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Red Sonja

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Conan rides through your screen once again but this time he's named Kalidor and he's not the main character. Instead, a non-action star shows us what non-action looks like in the least adventurous adventure movie ever made. Swords & Sandals? Check. Visual Valium? You betcha.

I don't know how this movie stinks so bad. It has your typical lady-hero plot of sword & sandal genre staples. Revenge for burning down the village. Ok. Wait, the villain burned down the village for subtle lesbian motivations? Wow, that sounds super hot.'s not.

This is "walking around" the movie. Look, Frodo & Samwise walk to Mordor for a vacation from paradise and you can't take your eyes off it. Here, the entire world is about to be destroyed by cracking apart (again because of a jilted lesbian) and you can't keep awake.

For the most part, this is the fault of two people: 1) Dino De Laurentiss and 2) Brigidette Nielsen. Dino edited forced this turd out because he apparently couldn't get anything made that didn't involve Conan. And then Nielsen's terrible line delivery and even worse sword-fighting. The entire time she looks like she's afraid of the script (with good reason) and her sword hitting her in the face. This is not an action lady, folks. See Geena Davis in Cutthroat Island for more realistic stunts. Blech.

So long story short, this is just folks walking around. At best this is fun only because of the incredibly dubious plot, the fantastic matte-work, and the bonkers costumes and set design. Hope you don't like things happening in a film!

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:2-star
Cheesy effects:3-star
Horrendous acting:4-star
Ridiculous stunts:2-star
Gratuitous nudity:1-star
Memorable one-liners:2-star

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality: 3-star
Bad Movie Quality:5-star

Streaming Dos and Don'ts

  • Doberman Cop - DVD
  • Lethal Ninja/For Hire - DVD
  • Calamity of Snakes - DVD
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Stinker Madness
Lizzie, apparently we aren't going to be able to use for some reason anymore. I've uploaded the episode to our server ... Read More
Monday, 31 July 2017 22:27

Prelude to Yor: The Hunter from the Future

Prelude to Yor: The Hunter from the Future
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For years, Sam has been praising Yor: The Hunter from the Future and now its finally time to share it's hunky goodness with the rest of the world. Let the scantily clad ladies fill our eyeballs. Plus we don't talk about Star Wars OR Christmas!

Streaming Do's and Don'tsElectric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films - NetflixCannonball Run II - Hulu PlusTimeline - Netflix36th Chamber of Shaolin - NetflixThe Great Superpower Debate

The Super Penis

About American Kickboxer 2 - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Yor was directed by Antonio Margheriti, who, for his various films financed in the US, would adopt the pseudonym Anthony M. Dawson. Apparently the closest translation of Margheriti was daisies and he was advised that no one wanted to watch a movie that was directed by Tony Daisies, unless that movie involved penises in other men’s butts. That last part was me filling in the blanks. Margheriti was already a stalwart veteran of budget films. In 1965 executives at MGM saw Assignment Outer Space and Battle of the Worlds, two of the first Italian space movies, and immediately gave him a four film deal. He would complete those four films in three months. They are known as The Gamma One Series, though not directly related. The first film in the series, Wild Wild Planet is one of my future picks. He would behave similarly in this instance, Columbia would finance this film but he made a four part miniseries totaling 286 minutes with the shoe string budget that was originally allotted for a single film. He would go ahead and carve it down and give Columbia what they wanted, but with the longer cut he was able to co-opt it for Italian television. 

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Barbarian Queen

Barbarian Queen

Let me break this down to you in one word - boobs.  So many boobs.  Oh god there's so many.  

Sounds great right?

Well......not really. It actually makes for just ok. But I'll get into that.

So the movie revolves around this group of women (in some unknown location and in some unknown time) that have their village and booties plundered but some guys in black, all on the day of the Amethea's (Lana Clarkson) wedding day to Argan (Frank Zagarino). Bummer. So this small band of women (only 2 of them actually do anything; Taramis only ever cares about food) set out to rescue Argan and get revenge.

Well they suck at it.  They are REALLY good however and getting captured, tortured and further raped.  Nice work ladies. Eventually they make it to the bad guy's castle/town thingy where everyone does nothing but wander around and then get captured.  Amethea eventually ends up on a torture "rack" (her elbows are nice and bent the entire time, very comfy).  Her torturer then attempts to awkwardly rape her but she must have been really (I mean REALLY) doing kegel exercises as she ends up ripping the guy's unit off and then pushing him into what I infer is a vat of acid.

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