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Condorman

Condorman
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Disney bungles a live-action version of a cartoon with the least believable action star that has ever delved into the spy/superhero game. But add one of the raddest car chases, laser turret boats, rocket powered zip lines, and the worst costume you've ever seen and you've got one of the best early 80's turds to ever grace the screen. Wahoo!

The movie follows Woody who is the graphic artist behind the Condorman comic book frachise. Woody foolishly stumbles into a Soviet defection mission for the CIA and must employ the skills of his creation to help the beautiful and mysterious Natalia escape from the villainous Krakov and his right hand man, Morovitch and his team of skilled killers. You can use that if you'd like IMDB.

Michael Crawford's Woody is seriously one of the strangest casting decisions. Yes he's goofy and bumbling but at the same point is completely devoid of charm. Yet he's so unlikable that he becomes likable. It also seems like they gave him teeth extensions and raised the octave of his voice by a factor of 2. The rest of the cast does a fine job including a clearly drunk Oliver Reed.

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Prelude to Condorman

Prelude to Condorman
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Back in 1981, Disney tried to gift the world with a live-action version of a comic-book character, and failed miserably. But their mistake is our great reward as Condorman sweeps through the show. We are giddy with excitement.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsDeath Wish II - EPIXDeath Wish III - TUBITVTroll - EPIX and PrimeThe Wild Card - The Great Superpower Debate

Emo-Man - You gain powers based on your emotional state, ie angry you get hulky, peaceful you get zenlike, sad you can shoot water out your eyes, horny you get smelly genitals....

About Condorman - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Condorman was one of several films that changed the way that the Walt Disney Company would release films. With other stalwart failures such as The Black Hole, executives thought that attaching the Disney tag to anything remotely adult was a kiss of death. Though Condorman was aimed at all audiences it was really only beloved by 8 year olds. Eventually, 3 years later, Disney would form the Touchstone label for it’s adult oriented releases. Tragically the films wouldn’t be as imaginative as those that came before the label. The first film released under the tag was Splash. Stinker Madness did an episode on Splash, though I am not sure why we did it you should go back and listen to it, 3 times. Another favorite of the Touchstone line was Stakeout with Driefus and Emilio. When I watched Stakeout with my dad, firstly I asked him why he was in movies and he didn’t tell me, and secondly, about halfway through the film I asked him when the steaks were coming into play.

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Punisher: War Zone

Punisher: War Zone
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Our final film in our superhero threepeat is 2008's MCU bonkersfest Punisher: War Zone and its a masterpiece. Its the most violent, over the top, ridiculous, preposterous, bad-assery, poorly acted gem of an incredible time. It would have been impossible for this film to be successful but it is also impossible to NOT be a cult-classic. It's great.

Ray Stevenson kills it as the Punisher. There should be no other person to ever play Frank Castle (Sorry Joe Bernthal, Punisher doesn't have roof top conversations with men in tights; he just kills people). Ray's big, formidable, and hardly has any lines. He's brilliant.

Then, on the other side of the acting, you have Dominic West (Jigsaw), who seems like possibly the worst actor imaginable. He's a caricature of a tough guy. It seems impossible that anyone could be worse, but then....it happens. Doug Hutchison (Looney Bin Jim) is bananas. He wins the bad act-off contest in stunning fashion. If bad-acting was a gladiatorial tournament, then Dominic West would yell at the audience "Are you not entertained?" (poorly) and the audience would go nuts but the Emperor would give the thumbs down and in comes the ringer, Doug Hutchison. Doug is blindfolded and has one hand behind his back and a moldy orange as his weapon, and beat the crap out of Dominic West. And then they team up to take down the whole Roman Empire for the rest of the movie. It's amazing.

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Prelude to Punisher: War Zone

Prelude to Punisher: War Zone
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In the last of our Superhero Threepeat, we are super jacked to bring in one of the most ridiculous (and awesome) films ever made. Its just one of only two "Marvel Knights" movies and I can't imagine why there weren't more. Ray Stevenson becomes Frank Castle in a bonkers and violent manner in Punisher: War Zone. Do not fail to watch this epic film.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsFrozen - StarzSahara - NetflixPredator - StarzWild Card - Pop Quiz, Hotshot

Real or not real comic book characters?

The Red BeeMadame FatalMatter Eater LadUS 1About Punisher: War Zone Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

After the whirlwind non-success of Lions Gate (more aptly loins gate) 2004 Punisher, it was announced that the DVD sales were strong enough to warrant a sequel. Oddly, the studio would almost go bankrupt in 2012. Writer/Director Jonathan Hensleigh was back on board to direct with Tom Jane reprising his role as Frank Castle. The script this time was being worked on by a writer independent of Hensleigh. It would seem that early drafts would cause the departure of Hensleigh. This I should think to be a tall order, to write a script that would chase off the guy who wrote Armageddon. Jane stayed on like a trooper and at one point had gained 12 pounds of muscle for the role. Eventually a later version of the scrip would chase of Jane, who would rather and subsequently star in The Mist, Mutant Chronicles and Drive Hard. That’s got to be one dandy of a script. After being turned down by a hand full of directors they eventually hire Lexi Alexander. Alexander quit the second she saw the script. After Lions Gate gave her full creative control of the project she came back aboard. Alexander’s previous film was Green Street, which holds the distinction of being the second film to win both the Jury Prize and the Audience Award at SXSW. She has, however, had trouble staying busy since. It seems like there is an abundance of writers attached to the film, to the point where who did what is a mystery. 

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Supergirl

Supergirl
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Part 2 of our 3 Superhero Movie Festival just so happens to be our 200th podcast episode! Congratulations to us! Sadly the movie, Supergirl, does not contain any of the fanfare that revolves around our momentous milestone. It's just one of the most boring, uneventful films ever made.

There are so many problems with Supergirl. The first and foremost is that absolutely nothing happens of interest. It's truly unwatchable in the level of bore. Make something happen guys...anything.

Secondly, it breaks its own rules constantly. First is the entire franchise. Superman's home of Krypton got exploded and he was the only survivor right? Well Supergirl is his cousin, which is fine. But the total lack of exposition about how she exists is troubling. She and a group of others who may or may not be Kryptonian live in the bottom of a lake in Minnesota (in micro-size, none the less). So did they get there before Krypton exploded? They've been on Earth this whole time? Shouldn't they have the powers of the yellow sun as well? Who are these people?

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Prelude to Supergirl

Prelude to Supergirl
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In part 2 of our Superhero fest, we follow Superman IV with another flop from the Supes franchise, 1984's Supergirl, starring Helen Slater of The Legend of Billie Jean fame. How offensive will Jackie's third 1980's teen girl movie be? Can it stand up to the horrible morals established in Teen Witch? Will it have as much creepy sexual misguidance as Tomboy? We're two for two in this genre so hopefully Supergirl will uphold the tradition.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsWolf - StarzChain Reaction - StarzCool World - StarzWild Card - The Superhero Poop BattleBatman vs The JokerThe Joker vs Lex LuthorThor vs Lex LuthorAbout Supergirl - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

As mentioned in last week’s SBBS, or as I refer to it in private; the astute observations of a handsome genius, this was the final cannonball that sunk the dubious Salkind Superman franchise. After the dreadful Superman 3 the Salkinds felt they could revive the series by doing a spinoff with Supergirl. At this point Richard Lester has once again had it with the Salkinds. The directorial search ended with French director Jeannot Szwarc, a veteran of American Television. He had previously directed Christopher Reeves in Somewhere in Time. His Hollywood commercial viability was dropping as the aforementioned Somewhere in Time had under-performed and his follow up, Enigma with Martin Sheen was a full flop. The Salkinds, who were probably out of options, took him on the recommendation of Reeves, who would subsequently bail on his cameo in this film. The script was provided by David O’Dell who, with his next film would provide Stinker Madness with it’s first episode: Masters of the Universe. Odell also wrote the script for the visual masterpiece, The Dark Crystal. Those who have paid close attention to the dialogue and the story of The Dark Crystal have determined that it makes as much sense as a screen door on a submarine. Money was apparently no object as Dolly Parton would turn down 7 million to play the witch. The opening credits reportedly cost $1 million.

As to the troubled nature of this film, it remains the only DC movie not released by Warner, ever. Warner finished the movie but opted to scrap it, Tristar would offer them enough to distribute the movie. One of Tristar’s strategies on recouping the initial investment on purchasing the distribution rights was to go direct to video in markets outside the US. At one point a container that was only labeled “do not use” was found in the vault of Pinewood Studios.  Inside that container was the director’s cut of Supergirl, with a total running time of 138 minutes. There was reportedly an hour cut from the “do not use” version. Oddly the “do not use” version would be one of the more successful versions as Anchor Bay did a limited edition of 50,000 copies which apparently sold.

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Superman IV: The Quest for Peace

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace
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Its time for another great threepeat of similarly themed crappy movies and in honor of Cap Vs Iron Man we are going to delve into some of the less talked about but maybe even worse superhero movies that have graced the silver screen and then tripped upon entrance. You'll thrill at Superman IV's ineptness! You'll gasp at the offensiveness of Supergirl! You'll wonder at the banana business that is Punisher: War Zone! Join us for this excellent showcase of flops in the worlds of DC and Marvel.

Superman takes on Lex Luthor's crappy cro-magnon clone of the Man of Steel while adding the power of the sun. So he's made of the thing that gives Supes his power on Earth? Bad design, Lex. Oh also, Superman owns a net specifically made to store nuclear missiles. Did he buy that?

Wow, this film...wow. What a train wreck. Superman IV is very easily one of the worst executed films of all time. The writing is awful, the action is awful, the acting is awful, the set design, costumes, sound, editing and even the film credits are awful. At no point in the production process did anyone stop and say, "Guys, this is not it! Start over!" Its preposterous!

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Justin
Hey Adam. Thanks for joining the show and the quality catch. Get ready to catch a bunch more.
Sunday, 22 May 2016 02:27
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Prelude to Superman IV: The Quest for Peace

Prelude to Superman IV: The Quest for Peace
Listen to the Stinker Madness Episode


Watch the Trailer!

Its time for another great threepeat of similarly themed crappy movies and in honor of Cap Vs Iron Man we are going to delve into some of the less talked about but maybe even worse superhero movies that have graced the silver screen and then tripped upon entrance. You'll thrill at Superman IV's ineptness! You'll gasp at the offensiveness of Supergirl! You'll wonder at the banana business that is Punisher: War Zone! Join us for this excellent showcase of flops in the worlds of DC and Marvel.

This week we prepare to enter the world of the 4 Christopher Reeves' Superman experience with the fourth and final of them. Superman faces off against Nuclear Man and the world's problem with too many damn nukes! We start the episode with Arch-Maker.com, the only speed dating experience for hero's and villain's trying to find the perfect nemesis match.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsSmokey and the Bandit II - StarzThe Saint - NetflixDemons - Shudder.tvWild Card - The Great Superpower Debate

Static Electricity Sponge Person - 4/10 stars

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The Fantastic Four

The Fantastic Four
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Before the flop of 2015, before the two turds in the early 2000s, there was 1994's The Fantastic Four. It's a film that was never meant to be viewed by the eyes of man but we are super happy that we can. We are joined by special guest, bad movie blogger and friend of the show, Brad Slager (@MartiniShark) who knows and loves this movie. Check out Brad's write up on FF at http://www.lifezette.com/popzette/the-first-fantastic-dud/.

While this film was meant to end up in the trashcan and only made in order to keep the film rights to The Fantastic Four (see also 2015), there is such a level of effort that is clear when watching this movie. All the actors are giving it their all. There's a real sense that the people involved really believed in this project rather than it just being a doomed project. Its a classic example of the Internet's definition of a good-bad movie of wanting to make a good movie and ending up with a really bad one.

The film is refreshing because it is a fan boy's dream. Nothing is changed about the origin of the FF, the powers, their characterization, stories, etc. It looks cheesy, its campy and its silly. At no point is there any modernization of things to make them look good on screen. It is just a movie made for fun and not for people to talk about how interesting the origin retelling was (see modern comic adaptations). That makes it great.

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Captain America

Captain America
Is Peyton Manning Captain America?
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Matt Salinger dons the role of weak but honorable Steve Rogers and becomes Captain America as part of the Super Soldier Program so that he can be strong enough to stop the Nazi equivalent, the Red Skull. Sound familiar? Well that's about all this film has in common with anything that you know about Cap. The rest is pretty much the dumbest hot mess that you could possibly imagine.

Albert Pyun's Captain America is maybe the worst adaptation of a single character that has ever been made. Matt Salinger is awkward moving at all times and shows absolutely no athletic ability. Captain America is a bit of a dick as he really shows little concern for other people. He's about as smart as a box of hair. He really never succeeds in any mission nor is he ever known by the world as a WWII superhero, even though when he is unthawed the world seems to care, despite having never heard of him before.

The visuals (costumes, effects and action) are horrendous and make up the best part of the film. By best I mean that they are hilarious. Cap's outfit looks like its made of vinyl and seems to get ripped up randomly from what we can only infer is that Matt Salinger leaned up against walls too much. The shield looks like an after dinner peppermint. Red Skull only has Red Skull face for the first 5 minutes on screen. The Red Skull rat is epic bad stop-motion. The list of bad visuals goes on and on.

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Prelude to Captain America

Prelude to Captain America
Listen to the Stinker Madness Episode


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Brought to you by Captain Canada. Can Captain Canada, with the help of Jacques Pierre, defeat the villainous Josef Stalin and his evil right hand man, the Red Scare? Tune in to WABC on Stinker Madness to find out!

It's time for some sweet pre-Avenger action, when Matt Salinger becomes Steve Rogers or is that Peyton Manning? Its 1990's Captain America directed by Albert Pyun and produced by Menahem Golan. Its gotta be a total slam dunk right?

Streaming Dos and Don'tsThe Core - NetflixScorcher - NetflixJack's Back - NetflixAbraxas Guardian of the Universe - WAS on YouTube but is now gone. Sorry.Good Neighbor, Bad NeighborTeen WitchCondormanTeenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Raymond Chow)About American Kickboxer 2 - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Directed by one Albert Pyun. Still no word on the Radioactive Dreams remastering project as a VHS copy of the film is now at the low end $89 plus shipping on Amazon.  I just have to keep everyone abreast of that situation. This is not regarded as Alberts Finest hour. It can't be as bad as that shit we watched with Natasha Henstridge (Adrenalin: Fear the Rush).

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Catwoman

Catwoman
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Episode audio warning: there is a weird bumping the mic sound for the first 20 minutes of this episode. We completely apologize but we can't fix it. Its annoying and I hate it and want it to die but we can't fix it.

We are just going to say right out the gate that Catwoman sucks. It's awful. Pure garbage and terrible film-making. It very well may be the worst made movie that we have viewed on this podcast. This belongs in the bottom 20 on IMDB. Blech.

The movie attempts to be a special effects masterpiece. There is an amazing amount of unnecessary CGI that all looks completely awful. We know that this was 2004 and CGI wasn't quite as good as we have now. Simple solution = don't add it. So much of it could be eliminated and wouldn't change the movie in the slightest. Ugh.

The filmmakers also have no consent of reality and how things work in the world. Halle Berry's character is an "art designer" at a skin care company, however her boss yells at her for no reason and then tells her the basic "just be better at your job" managerial style that does NOT get you to be the CEO of a major corporation. She also delivers her art layout drafts to a science research facility across town, when her boss is just upstairs. 

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