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Volcano

Volcano
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Tommy and Anne face off against some hot magma ("What's Magma?") in the first of two 1997 volcano movies. This one features a lead character who should be fired and never hired for his job, a slew of disaster movie cliches (Dog never dies, anyone?) and Stan, the Man-Chucking Man in possibly the stupidest movie we've ever seen on this show.

Let's start off by declaring how incredibly dumb this movie is. Every single bit of "science" is telegraphed to the audience because "Hey! They're stupid!" such as the definition of tectonic activity, gravity and magma. The volcano has a mind of its own and has Tommy Lee Jones sense meaning if Tommy is coming its sneaky and hides from him. The government officials of LA have no clue how things should work and it seems Tommy's Roark is the mayor as everyone calls him or reports to him daily even before the eruption. The Chief of Police even calls to obligatorily yell at someone, even if its completely unrelated to Emergency Management of which Roark is the director of. I can in no way define how stupid this movie is because in order to define something you must possess some semblance of intelligence. That would be a slap in the face of this movies lack thereof.

Then there's the effects. Too many people over use the "effects that don't stand up to time" but this thing never had a chance to stand up at all. I specifically talk about "the building" (and why there is a character to just set up that a building exists is beyond me). At one point, the cast stands in front of a large photo of the building as if they are there. Usually when someone looks at something fake they are looking at a painting that's supposed to be real but this time it's a photo....that's out of focus. Seriously.

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Sssssss

Sssssss
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In what very well may be the worst mad scientist plan of all time, Professor Stoner (didn't make that up) turns innocent David from Man to Snakeman to.....well mongoose lunch. It's ssssssso ssssssstupid! It should be mentioned that no other film on this podcast is as worthy of being a MST3K episode.

Sssssss suffers from being not only very poorly thought out but also has some of the least movie making efforts ever attempted in film. It's not quite as useless as Frogs but tries to dupe us that it is a film but just showing shot after shot of crazy! snakes. However, they are live snakes and the actors aren't trained professionals so that at least makes these sequences viewable. Each sequence of snake business is spent wondering if the actors are going to get bit or smooshed or if they are accidentally going to kill one of the little serpents. ASPCA be damned!

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Heather Menzies-Urich here. Her hair....wow. And those glasses....wow. No film heroine has ever nailed a Danny Partridge impression so well. Her visage is like the front end of a bus with a bike rack on it...right before it runs you over. Yipes!

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