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Tango & Cash

Tango & Cash
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Two cops find love in each other's egos, while attempting to clear their names from a villainous plot to take over the world's salted caramel industry. Stallone and Russell team up for one of the raddest buddy cop dumb-dumb rollercoaster. It's shenanigans.

Tango & Cash is incredibly stupid. There is absolutely no sense of reality here. The villain uses mice, that he loves,  to demonstrate his evilry. He owns monster trucks that have guns mounted on them. Hidden assassin's inside of mirrors (we think) & gun-shoes. Physics don't apply. Time and distance are more of guidelines...

Then there's the leads...wow do they love each other. Let me be clear, if this had been made today, they very well could have been the first openly gay supercops in a major motion picture. They really love each other on the inside and feel passionately about each other's genitals. I'm not making this up. Longing gazes at junk are quite frequent.

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Prelude to Tango & Cash

Prelude to Tango & Cash
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This week on the Stinker Madness Podcast, we tackle the classic "buddy" cop film from 1989 with Stallone and Russell in a weird incestuous love triangle, framed for murder, take down the vague bad guy, and enjoy some off-roading. It's Tango & Cash!

Streaming Do's and Don'tsMiracles Still Happen - YouTubeManiac Cop - Shudder.TV & FandorManhattan Chase - Amazon PrimePhenomena - Amazon PrimeThe Wild Card - The Great Superpower DebateBeing a Vulcan - 2.5/10 stars (Not good)About Tango & Cash - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Who is the man that gets into all of the Hollywood hang down competitions? Kurt Russell, that’s who. This week he will be comparing his star penis, I mean power, to that of one Sylvester Stallone. Apparently the two got along just fine as there was probably no illusions as to Stallone being the big boss on the picture. The caveats of Stallone pictures of the time are all there, firing the DP before shooting, starting to re-write the script after shooting starts, having more than one person rewrite the script without communicating with one another. Firing the director after the project has gone over budget by almost double. I guess Kurt saw that things were well in hand and didn’t bother making any more interference, Stallone would later praise him for being a real pro, despite Russell being the fall back option to Patrick Swayze who ditched the production for Road House. By the time the dust would settle on the set, there would be 4 directors including Stallone, 5 if you count Stuart Baird who is known for directing pictures in post-production and is Hollywood’s most rebound editing doctor, and there would be enough deleted scenes to make another movie. What remains is comedy gold. The largest feud during production was between Stallone who wanted it to be a very dark and brooding crime film and producer John Peters who wanted it to be a campy spoof of the popular buddy cop sub-genre. When you then bring in Baird to stir that pot together independently, you only get two things; Tango & Cash.

The cast list is almost as big as the repair bill on this thing. Terri Hatcher, Bryon James, Jack Palance, Geoffrey Lewis, James Hong, Robert Z’Dar, Michael Jeter, Clint Howard and many more, oh my!

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Rambo III

Rambo III
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John Rambo comes to us in the third installment of the First Blood/Rambo franchise in the pinnacle of 80's over the top action. It's fun, it's stupid, its violent, and ridiculous. But in the year 2016 and how much we don't really care for ethnic cleansing, it's also a little offensive.

If Rambo had been left in Afghanistan for about 3 months, the world certainly would be a different place than it is today and it's anybody's guess whether it would be better or worse. It could go either way, because sure he kicks the Russkies asses but he also teams up with the Mujahideen and I'm not sure that he didn't honestly believe they were worth fighting with. At no point does it seem anyone questioned the motives of the Mujahideen during filmmaking. They were fighting the Russians so I guess that must mean they are the good guys. It wouldn't take much longer before we learned that they were genocidal assholes. Ooo, poor taste in pals, John.

Bullets and fire are allergic to Rambo, he has teleportation powers, and he's suddenly an expert horseman. He can fly choppers, drive tanks, use booby traps and shows how deadly glow sticks are. It's loads of stupid fun.

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Prelude to Rambo III

Prelude to Rambo III
John Rambo vs John Rambo
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Carolco decides its destiny by spending too much on a ridiculous film that involves a man causes fire and bullets to steer clear. It's the Stallord's one jillionth appearance on the show and we haven't even gotten to Tango & Cash, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot or Cliffhanger!

Streaming Do's and Don'tsReign of Fire - StarzDown n' Dirty - Amazon Prime The Wild Card - Who would win in a knife fight?

John Rambo (First Blood) vs John Rambo (First Blood: Part 2)

About Rambo III - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Fired, fired, fired, every one gets fired! The main production theme of Rambo 3 would be Stallone firing everyone at one point or another. Harry Kliener who wrote the scripts for Bullitt and Red Heat was hired to write the film. Then fired because Stallone didn't like the draft. Russell Mulcahy who we will of course remember as an Ausploitation import, directing such films as Razorback and Highlander, would be fired two weeks in. Replacement Peter MacDonald was the second unit director. He would end up shooting portions of the film himself as 3 cinematographers were all fired. Israel was chosen as a shooting location but as there were too many shooting restrictions the whole country was fired and they just shot in Arizona. They ran into a group of civil war re-enacters when getting to Arizona. The group boasted a membership of over 250. They weren't fired, however it makes me wonder what the original extras plan was if they just happened into these fellow and were subsequently able to then shoot the battle scenes. Jerry Goldsmith also wasn't fired, he did however do an entire score that Stallone didn't like, Stallone like the music from Rambo 2 better, which was also written by Goldsmith so he lucked out and didn't get fired.

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Driven

Driven
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Stallone writes a screenplay that is about three things he has no working knowledge of; 1) Racing, 2) Relationships, 3) Story. It is quite possibly the worst screenplay ever written. Manos: The Hands of Fate has a lot more story than 2001's Driven. If anyone can tell us what the story is, please let us know.

Why this movie was made is vexing. What the inspiration was for Stallone to write this film is a mystery for the ages. He clearly has little to no interest in auto racing because he never shows any knowledge of how it works or even simple common sense regarding it. He appears to know that cars can go fast and that people sometimes try to see how fast they can go around a track but that's about it. Burt Reynold's character owns a race team but continually tries to sabotage his driver because he's just not good enough despite the fact that he's Number 1 in the world. Kip Pardue's character can't handle posing for photos and giving press conferences despite the fact that he's a rolling advertisement for his sponsors. The only thing that Stallone's character appears to do in the film is make people happy. Wow.

The effects and the action sequences are painful. They gave me a tummy ache. There are so many over the top car crashes with over-post-production editing and just random shots sprinkled in between all mixed together with incredibly dumb slow motion that even if you only watch auto racing for the crashes you will want to throw your remote at the television. 

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Prelude to Driven

Prelude to Driven
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Brought to you by "Top Pits" starring Tom Cruises and Valerie Kilmer.

In 2002, Stallone gave us an 8 time Razzie nominated movie that he took the time to write. Remember! This is the guy that wrote the screenplay to Rocky for which he won an Oscar....the same guy. Yeah....right. It's sort of a movie about race car driving, it's sort of about race car drivers and then its sort of about absolutely nothing.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsExodus:Gods and Kings (first 12 minutes) - HBORapid Fire - HBOThe Kid with the Golden Arm - NetflixCyber C.H.I.C. - YouTube (but some butthole removed it....lame)Good Neighbor, Bad NeighborPete's Dragon - Pete's DragonArtax - The Neverending StoryCharlotte - Charlotte's WebAbout Driven - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

I feel like I was just talking about Renny Harlin in a previous episode, however I’m not seeing it in any of my notes. If I did and you remember which episode just email us with the subject heading: “Sam is an asshole”. Odd that this is our first dance with Harlin when other directorial efforts include; Nightmare on Elm Street 4, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, Die Hard 2, Cliffhanger, Cuthroat Island, The Long Kiss Goodnight and Deep Blue Sea. That list was chronological and without gap up to this weeks title, Driven. Recently Harlin made The Legend of Hercules which has flirted with number 1 on the bottom 100. This guy is the other coffee shop across town from Paul Thomas Anderson. Renny Harlin is a fake name. His real name is Lauri Mauritz Harjola. He took over Geena Davis when she was all Bloomed out, or all Bloomed in, depending on perspective.

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Cobra

Cobra
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Stallone makes his 4th appearance on our show as he teams up with Golan and Globus (who make their third appearance) for the "one tough cop" showcase that is Cobra. Marion Cobretti has to protect a key witness that can identify the Nightslasher, who isn't just a raving murderer as his name would suggest; he's also the head of a criminal organization that wants to take over the world. How about that?

The movie is a pretty fun ride but really has a reputation that its terrible. It's really not and is maybe the best movie that we've seen from the Cannon Group, really. The movie has some silly one-liners and action sequences for sure, but for a Cannon film its acted adequately and only has a couple of plot holes (one being the entire premise). It's truly not that bad when compared to other silly cop vs. everyone movies from the same period. It's not even in the realm of badness as Stallone's next movie "Over the Top" (also a Golan/Globus picture).

As I said, the primary plot flaw is the premise. Who are these guys in the sewer banging axes together? They put a serial killer in charge? Is he even in charge? What are their motivations and plans? But that really adds to the fun of the film on a stinker level, so it works for us.

The movie also has some pretty wild sequences. Bridgette Nielsen models with some robots (why is this sequence in there other than to showcase "the goods?"), Stallone jumps (his own) 1950 Mercury Coupe about 30 times, The Nightslasher makes an exploding barricade out of two conveniently parked gas tanker trucks, and the New World Order take over an entire town just to capture one lady (Bridgette Nielsen).

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Prelude to Cobra

Prelude to Cobra
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Presented by Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, because one Cobra isn't enough.

Its time for us to give ol' Sly Stallone another go (for the fourth time) as he teams up with Golan and Globus for Cobra. One tough cop must teach some bad guys a lesson...or something. 

Streaming Do's and Don'tsOverkillThe BurbsKilling SeasonLegendaryJackie's Rant

Hollywood Trickery or going to a movie and you are lied to about it.

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Expendables 3

Expendables 3
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75 old guys and a handful of "youths" blow some stuff up, make poopy-faces, and break through the 4th wall WAY too many times. We go to the theater and expend $3 for one of the biggest flops of 2014.

So it appears indeed that the team behind EX3 completely walked away from what made the series great. First, it's PG-13. Then instead of giving us old guys that we know and want to see, we are giving a team of young nobodies who's characters are about as kick-ass as warm lemonade. The stunts don't really get going until the last sequence and there's just too much damn CGI in it. Guys go back to what you built your career off - one-liners (that don't break through the 4th wall), crazy action sequences (that are shoot well with good stunts - not just shaking the camera around), and actual action stars (not Kelsey Grammar and Mel Gibson -even though they deliver the best performances in the movie). Still this movie is a total do...in the theater or on DVD when it comes out, NOT by illegally downloading it, you unholy pieces of Simon Cowell shit.

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:Cheesy effects:Horrendous acting:Laugh-out-loud-ability:Ridiculous stunts:Gratuitous nudity:Memorable one-liners:

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality: Bad Movie Quality:

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Deathrace 2000

Deathrace 2000
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VROOOM and SPLOOSH take center stage as David Carradine makes mince-meat out of pedestrians and Sly Stallone shows us the meaning behind "Mr. The Turbo".  This one is ground-zero stinker!

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Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:Cheesy effects:Horrendous acting:Laugh-out-loud-ability:Ridiculous stunts:Gratuitous nudity:Memorable one-liners:

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality: Bad Movie Quality:

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Prelude to Deathrace 2000

Prelude to Deathrace 2000

The very first "Stinker Hall of Fame" movie makes it's debut; so let's get ready to run people over with David Carradine and Sly Stallone.  Plus Stinker Thinkers (Sam is pummeling Justin) and Netflix Do's and Don'ts...we also may get a little out of hand here....

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Over the Top

Over the Top
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Truck stops, crummy arm wrestling, and terrible parenting make up this weeks stinker and P.U. does this one stink! Stallone plays a mediocre trucker, a "good" arm-wrestler and maybe the worst parent ever. How the hell Leonard Part 6 won the Razzie over this turd is a travesty.

So the film revolves around Lincoln Hawk (Stallone) and his son, Michael (David Mendenhall), rekindling their relationship after 10 years of neglect. They do this by truckin' and arm wrastling. As children actor's go, David Mendenhall is pretty bad. You'd really like to step on this kid within 4 minutes of the film. It's very fitting that Stallone's Lincoln Hawk appears to completely ignore the existence of him as his son.

The relationship between the two of these people is astounding. One minute it is just preposterous as Hawk is such a total dirtbag to his son (he's late to his child's graduation because he's gotta take his shirt off and wash his truck) and the next minute is super creepy with child cuddling in a truck cab. Ick. It also tells us that a child's relationship with his father is much more important than the future of the child's life. Michael starts the film out by graduating from military school with honors and finishes the film by giving up everything to become a truck-driving arm wrestler. Nice. Maybe the film is an accurate depiction of how awful awful awful parents can really screw up a child. Or maybe it's just that someone doesn't know how to make a character likable in any way.

The film is supposed to be a feel good, heart warming tale but instead is just an awful story about a father who should be arrested for child neglect and child endangerment.

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Prelude to Over the Top

Prelude to Over the Top

Justin, Jackie and Sam gear up for some truckin' and arm wrastlin' with Sly Stallone's "Over the Top".  We also add more Netflix Dos and Don'ts, plus Stinker Thinkers, and Sam introduces us to the "Big Time TF"

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