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Tango & Cash

Tango & Cash
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Two cops find love in each other's egos, while attempting to clear their names from a villainous plot to take over the world's salted caramel industry. Stallone and Russell team up for one of the raddest buddy cop dumb-dumb rollercoaster. It's shenanigans.

Tango & Cash is incredibly stupid. There is absolutely no sense of reality here. The villain uses mice, that he loves,  to demonstrate his evilry. He owns monster trucks that have guns mounted on them. Hidden assassin's inside of mirrors (we think) & gun-shoes. Physics don't apply. Time and distance are more of guidelines...

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Commando

Commando
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Our good movie friend Tucker (If We Made It Podcast) stops by to discuss one of the greatest/stupidest action movies of all time. Be prepared for ridiculous (hilarious) Arnold impressions.

Commando is so iconic and such a staple in "men with guns" movies that it's hard to avoid and impossible to dislike. It's level of over-the-top is unequaled that for the next 15 years in film, every action movie attempts to be Commando but none have come close. It's the model, but at the same time it's SOOOOO stupid.

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Rambo III

Rambo III
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John Rambo comes to us in the third installment of the First Blood/Rambo franchise in the pinnacle of 80's over the top action. It's fun, it's stupid, its violent, and ridiculous. But in the year 2016 and how much we don't really care for ethnic cleansing, it's also a little offensive.

If Rambo had been left in Afghanistan for about 3 months, the world certainly would be a different place than it is today and it's anybody's guess whether it would be better or worse. It could go either way, because sure he kicks the Russkies asses but he also teams up with the Mujahideen and I'm not sure that he didn't honestly believe they were worth fighting with. At no point does it seem anyone questioned the motives of the Mujahideen during filmmaking. They were fighting the Russians so I guess that must mean they are the good guys. It wouldn't take much longer before we learned that they were genocidal assholes. Ooo, poor taste in pals, John.

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Stone Cold

Stone Cold
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Brian Bosworth stars this week as Joe Huff/John Stone/All Awesome in Stone Cold with William Forsythe and Lance Henriksen. Its the tale of one tough cop that goes undercover to accomplish absolutely nothing in preventing a biker gang destroying the entire government of Mississippi. Mullets, earrings, giant lizards, exploding choppers, and a ridiculously high body count makes up for one fun ride.

The very funny Ryan Fortier from the "Writing Through Vet School" blog joins us this week to help us make sense of this movie. Ryan is the author of "Paranoia" (available for $2.99) and one of the funniest bad movie reviewers. You can follow Ryan at https://quietthinker1.wordpress.com/ and read his bad movie reviews at https://quietthinker1.wordpress.com/category/bad-movies-2/.

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Prelude to The Star Wars Holiday Special

Prelude to The Star Wars Holiday Special
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Watch the Original CBS Bumper and Intro!

Brought to you by the Star Wars Prequels Awesome Editions - the way we would have made them (hint = more Splosions!)

Justin's Christmas wish is about to come true as we all prepare to view a film so notorious even the filmmakers tried to block everyone from every viewing it. With every single major cast member from Star Wars Episode IV plus singing and dancing (is that Bea Arthur and Heady Lamar? (That's HEADLY!)) this has got to be the greatest moment of our 15 Days of Bad Xmas Movies pod/vid crawl.

15 Days of Bad Xmas Movies Pod/Vid Crawl

Be sure to check out these other fine programs to continue your journey through horrible Christmas movies!

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Showdown in Little Tokyo

Showdown in Little Tokyo
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Two tough action ninja cops find bromance while taking down the Yakusa with exploding beer, double reverse punch kicks, and the dullest samurai sword of all time. Dolph Lundgren, Brandon Lee, and Tia Carrere's stunt body team up for some out of control action in LA. This is one of the best bad action movies you've never seen.

This movie is so dumb and awesome its ridiculous. We highly recommend this one if you're an action fanatic.

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:4-star
Cheesy effects:3-star
Horrendous acting:4-star
Laugh-out-loud-ability:4-star
Ridiculous stunts:3-star
Gratuitous nudity:3-star
Memorable one-liners:5-star

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Action Jackson

Action Jackson
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It's time for Jericho Jackson to try to live up to his nickname, yet for some reason he avoids the action for 3/4 of the movie. But when the action hits, boy does it hit. Vanity is the worst lounge singer of all time, Craig T. Nelson knows karate (at least his stunt guy does), and Sharon Stone just can't stay alive or happily married in any movie she's in. Get ready for some nonsense.

Action Jackson is named very inaccurately. When it comes to action, Jericho dials it up to about a 3. He spends most of his time not performing any action. He almost seems more like a stock broker than an action guy. Yes we know he jumps over a car, but the rest of the time he just kind of wanders around and asks people what the hell is going on around him. He's essentially the worst detective ever. Everyone knows the plot of the film except him (and us). The entire plan of the villian (Craig T. Nelson) is revealed to him by a beautician who has absolutely no contact with anyone or any events in the movie. Uhm...what?

Craig T. plays a guy named Delaplane who's motivation is to keep his hair from staying the same color, revolutionize the auto industry by building a Fiero, and bang drug addicts. He's married to Sharon Stone who gets murdered (was she the 90's version of Sean Bean?) because she asks a question. He can also do karate. You heard it. Coach can do karate. It may be one of the worst castings for a karate guy of all time. I'm not buying it.

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Prelude to Action Jackson

Prelude to Action Jackson
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This episode is brought to you by the Invisible Slip. Because you really want everyone to see your ass through your dress.

Justin gets to choose this week and he's dialed up a classic in Carl Weather's Action Jackson. How long can Vanity keep her shirt on? Get super pumped (but don't hurt yourself).

We start out by discussing "The Brimley Awards" from the If We Made It podcast. You may remember Jeff and Tucker guesting on our "The Beastmaster" episode. Those guys are great and really funny. Check out the whole Brimley Awards episode from Jeff and Tucker.  I think you might hear Sam laughing once.

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Invasion USA

Invasion USA
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Watch the Trailer

Sam, Jackie and Justin delve into the intense neo-political sub-tones of Invasion USA...and all the Spolsions. Chuck Norris wears a curly mullet and tells you, "It's time to die" unless he doesn't also have a rocket launcher. BOOM!

So the fun thing about Invasion USA is Chuck Norris' impenetrable calmness. No matter what happens on screen, he's completely deadpan throughout and never raises his voice above a whisper ("Time to die, Rostov"). It's an achievement in non-excitement. Just look at the movie poster and imagine Chuck doing insane things with that expression on his face all the way.

The plot of this film is pretty ridiculous as well. There's some plan by an unknown group of assorted bad guys who appear to be from all over the world. It's affirmative action bad guy group as there's Russians, Cubans, Middle Eastern guys, and probably some Madagascans in there as well. Sam believes that they are mercenaries from all over and are only in it for the money. We still aren't sure what "it" is that they are in for, but it appears to be just invading the suburbs of Florida. Maybe it's just for general terror but then, how do you pay the mercenaries?

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Legion of Iron

Legion of Iron

So imagine you're sitting at make-out hill, getting a little R-n-R and then suddenly some guys (sorta dressed as cops) swoop down and steal you away to an underground facility where you must gladiatorial fight to the death for your right to protect your girlfriends virginity.

Well that's the entire plot for this little known 1990 stinker brought to us from Epic Productions. IMDB only has a total of 64 users having ever viewed it which makes it too rare to be on the Bottom 100, not that it should be.

Unlike Barbarian Queen, that was gratuitously chock full o' shirtless girls, this movies surprising achievement is a stark lack of nudity. I think their may be a brief man-ass, but its amazingly bare (phrasing) considering its very adult (and sometimes uncomfortable) content material. There is some pretty rough rape scenes and some very Stockholm Syndrome undertones with Alison (Camille Carrigan) that were very bold for the b-movie genre, which usually has very light-hearted subject matter.... as far as character development anyways.  In fact, if it wasn't for the silly plot idea, the screenplay might have been respected at the time.

I will warn the viewer this, stick with this movie.  3/4 of this film is pretty mediocre and has a few scenes where I had a hard time paying attention. The plight of poor old kidnapped Billy (Kevin T. Walsh (I assume the T stands for Top Notch)), was pretty uninteresting especially after his sole, overt motivation to win in battle (protect his girly's chaste underwears) is a moot point. A good chunk of this film is Billy being psychologically toyed with by the evil Queen Diana (Erika Nunn) to join with her as her gentleman-servant. Erika Nunn is easily the worst part of this film, as her character sucks and she is impossibly ugly. I usually try to avoid trashing people's looks but because she is meant to be a femme-fatale, who wears revealing "future" attire and strange headwear, that I believe is meant to make the viewer think, "Hey Billy doesn't have it so bad", I think she's fair game. When she was on camera, I spent most of it averting me eyes.  Yikes.

So Billy (who really is a wanker) befriends Lyle Wagner (Reggie De Morton) who is the facilities main trainer. Why, I'm not sure because Lyle's fighting style appears to be circle your opponent and give him a mean face and then wait for him to hit your sword; just like Barbarian Queen strangely. But either way Billy has a training montage, ala Gymkata and so he is ready to fight.

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