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Jurassic World

Jurassic World
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Gramps and Tucker from the If We Made It podcast join us for a Bad Movie Field trip with the most successful film of 2015, Jurassic World. It's been labeled by the geniuses of the Internet as a cinematic milkshake of bad movie tropes and not carrying the spirit of 1993's Jurassic Park. We ask, "What do you want from a monster movie?"

Jurassic World at its core is just plain silly. The employees are all buffoons, the CEO may be the worst one of all time, and Chris Pratt's jungle man routine is about as preposterous as Donald Trump being President. It's all just silly. Critics and haters alike complain about the film not taking itself seriously enough and Bryce Dallas Howard traipsing through jungles and stepping in dino doo doo in high heels, with a bevy of buzzwords like one-dimensional, cliche, and lackluster. Perhaps you should just stick with Kurosawa films, it's a friggin movie about dinosaurs eating people! You can claim that your precious Jurassic Park is a film about taking science too far without considering the consequences but ask any child (which is the franchise's target market, not you Beardy) and they will tell you its about dinosaurs eating people.

But you didn't ask for reality, you asked for more teeth.

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Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Halloween III: Season of the Witch
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Tom Atkins stars as a mustache-ride-given hacker doctor detective with the help of a young woman who may or may not be an android to take down a Irish/Californian novelty gift manufacturer who wants to use the powers of Stonehenge to transform millions of children into bugs and snakes. Don't come for Michael Meyers, stay for the endless sea of questions.

The movie is completely silly. The plot of ridiculous and with each moment the viewer is just presented more and more questions. It's like the entire run of Lost or the heads of the Hydra. When you answer one question, five more questions sprout up. Each character's motivations are pretty confusing not to mention who the hell they are. Why is Tom Atkins the detective? Why is he alcoholic? Is the girl a robot the entire time? If so, why does she lead Tom Atkins directly to the Silver Shamrock Corp? Does Silver Shamrock murder children or do they just become bugs and snakes? If its murder, then is it murder by teleporting bugs and snakes into their brains? Just writing these questions make me think of more. We could spend 900 pages in just questions.

Characters come and go without serving much purposes aside from groudy effects. Time and space have no properties (night only last about 2 hours in diagetic time, Santa Mira requires a long drive in a car to reach but is just a short jog if on foot). Dialog seems all too convenient for purposes of laughing at:

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Hell Squad

Hell Squad
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Take 1 kidnapped diplomat's son, a country that only has bad guys in it, one guy how is a bit of a dick, 9 strippers, shake and stir and you've got Hell Squad. We aren't really sure what this movie is (other than ridiculous), is it a comedy or action movie?

The story is that there is some new special WMD that can blow up organic material but not anything else. This is determined by finding a newspaper that is not burnt but evidence of a horse getting sploded after a test of the weapon, however since newspaper is made of paper which is made of trees which as far as I know are actually living and organic, should mean the newspaper would also burn. This is foreshadowing of the idiocy of the rest of the story. The rest of the story, is that terrorists have this weapon already but need a schematic for part of a rocket to launch it. It seems like they've already built the hard part though. So they kidnap a diplomat's son and ransom him for this schematic (which no country would negotiate this deal, sorry bud. You're dead). Well the answer to this problem is to take 9 Las Vegas showgirls, train them for 10 days, then send this into Karajan (bad guy country) and let them find the kid and bring him back.

The story is so dumb that I can only figure that its supposed to be a joke, but its presented in such a manner that makes it seem like its a solid premise for an action movie. However, jokes abound that may or may not be funny in the film. One lady can't use a rifle because he boobs are too big, there's a water shortage in Karajan so the girls all have to use the bath tub at once (and everyday) and spoiler alert - there's a Scooby-Doo ending.

With that all said, Hell Squad is a really good time and a very underrated bad movie. It's inept film-making at its best with a completely ridiculous story and presentation. You can watch it twice in a row because of how much laughing at it you'll do the first time around. We recommend it greatly.

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Beowulf

Beowulf
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Christopher Lambert (the T is silent apparently) dons the role of Beowulf and defends an outpost in the future or past from Grendel, one of the "damned" who is a monster surrounded by a fart cloud, and his super horny mother. To defeat this evil duo, Beowulf must use his endless array of MI6-like weapon/gadgets and a series of flips and hand-springs. How many denizens of the outpost will survive before Beowulf gets the job done (spoiler alert - just 1)?

Lambert gives us another shining example why he should be the lead role in every bad movie. He's awful. Seriously bad. He constantly has this look on his face that seems like he's just staring at nothing (it turns out he's legally blind) and his accent is like Tommy Wiseau had a baby with Shakira. He delivers each line like its the ultimate one-liner after killing the bad guy with a bazooka at the end of the film. Let me put it this way, Lorenzo Lamas and Michael Dudikoff are better actors. But Lambert steals the show with this method and we loved him for it.

The effects and fight choreography are completely ridiculous. Grendel looks like someone did a really nice job of creating a monster but some producer decided he wasn't evil enough so they put in a nice post-production green/purple fart cloud that envelopes him the whole movie. There's an incredible amount of backflips, cartwheels and hand-springs that Beowulf uses during fighting and all lead to him to getting punched in the face by Grendel. That's right, Grendel doesn't claw or bite or rip people apart; he punches them right in the face like he was Chuck Norris, while being a hulking mass covered in farts. It's amazing. 

The costume design is one of the most incredible pieces of this film. Anyone wearing armor has one of those glorious and well-thought-out helmets that have no eye-holes, so Lambert isn't the only one that can't see a damn thing I guess. Grendel's mom wears a see-through bit that looks like the remnants of bubble wrap that has all the bubbles popped or snot. We aren't sure which. Kyra (Beowulf's love interest) wears a booby-shirt through most of the movie, but also dons lingerie that doesn't make any sense as her pajamas. Beowulf seems to just wear the same battle attire every day and even when he sleeps or bones down.

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Cobra

Cobra
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Stallone makes his 4th appearance on our show as he teams up with Golan and Globus (who make their third appearance) for the "one tough cop" showcase that is Cobra. Marion Cobretti has to protect a key witness that can identify the Nightslasher, who isn't just a raving murderer as his name would suggest; he's also the head of a criminal organization that wants to take over the world. How about that?

The movie is a pretty fun ride but really has a reputation that its terrible. It's really not and is maybe the best movie that we've seen from the Cannon Group, really. The movie has some silly one-liners and action sequences for sure, but for a Cannon film its acted adequately and only has a couple of plot holes (one being the entire premise). It's truly not that bad when compared to other silly cop vs. everyone movies from the same period. It's not even in the realm of badness as Stallone's next movie "Over the Top" (also a Golan/Globus picture).

As I said, the primary plot flaw is the premise. Who are these guys in the sewer banging axes together? They put a serial killer in charge? Is he even in charge? What are their motivations and plans? But that really adds to the fun of the film on a stinker level, so it works for us.

The movie also has some pretty wild sequences. Bridgette Nielsen models with some robots (why is this sequence in there other than to showcase "the goods?"), Stallone jumps (his own) 1950 Mercury Coupe about 30 times, The Nightslasher makes an exploding barricade out of two conveniently parked gas tanker trucks, and the New World Order take over an entire town just to capture one lady (Bridgette Nielsen).

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Need for Speed

Need for Speed
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Jesse Pinkman and a band of nobody's get in all sorts of trouble with some fast cars...to end up with not much of anything but debt. Expect some crazy flying cars, helicopters everywhere, a complete lack for the public's safety and the never ending question; will Aaron Paul call someone bitch?

It's the first time a video game movie graces our show and it's a hell of a ride, so go out, get the movie and a Redbox or whatever and then listen to this podcast to relive all the sheer stupidity or fun we find.

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The Man from Hong Kong

The Man from Hong Kong
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Bad movie authority Roman finally joins us in the studio as we view and yammer about the Ausploitation awesomeness that is The Man From Hong Kong. Are there any stuntmen or actors alive in Australia after this seriously dangerous movie?!?!

This movie features some of the craziest stunts we've ever seen and it's a wonder anyone made it out of it. There is a car chase scene that is completely epic, hang glider accidents, Spider-Man building climbing, ninja fights, burning men and so much more. Plus, Jigsaw rocks!

Seriously worth watching since it's free on YouTube!

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:Cheesy effects:Horrendous acting:Laugh-out-loud-ability:Ridiculous stunts:Gratuitous nudity:Memorable one-liners:

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Legion of Iron

Legion of Iron
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So imagine you're sitting at make-out hill, getting a little R-n-R and then suddenly some guys (sorta dressed as cops) swoop down and steal you away to an underground facility where you must gladiatorial fight to the death for your right to protect your girlfriends virginity.

Well that's the entire plot for this little known 1990 stinker brought to us from Epic Productions. IMDB only has a total of 64 users having ever viewed it which makes it too rare to be on the Bottom 100, not that it should be.

Unlike Barbarian Queen, that was gratuitously chock full o' shirtless girls, this movies surprising achievement is a stark lack of nudity. I think their may be a brief man-ass, but its amazingly bare (phrasing) considering its very adult (and sometimes uncomfortable) content material. There is some pretty rough rape scenes and some very Stockholm Syndrome undertones with Alison (Camille Carrigan) that were very bold for the b-movie genre, which usually has very light-hearted subject matter.... as far as character development anyways.  In fact, if it wasn't for the silly plot idea, the screenplay might have been respected at the time.

I will warn the viewer this, stick with this movie.  3/4 of this film is pretty mediocre and has a few scenes where I had a hard time paying attention. The plight of poor old kidnapped Billy (Kevin T. Walsh (I assume the T stands for Top Notch)), was pretty uninteresting especially after his sole, overt motivation to win in battle (protect his girly's chaste underwears) is a moot point. A good chunk of this film is Billy being psychologically toyed with by the evil Queen Diana (Erika Nunn) to join with her as her gentleman-servant. Erika Nunn is easily the worst part of this film, as her character sucks and she is impossibly ugly. I usually try to avoid trashing people's looks but because she is meant to be a femme-fatale, who wears revealing "future" attire and strange headwear, that I believe is meant to make the viewer think, "Hey Billy doesn't have it so bad", I think she's fair game. When she was on camera, I spent most of it averting me eyes.  Yikes.

So Billy (who really is a wanker) befriends Lyle Wagner (Reggie De Morton) who is the facilities main trainer. Why, I'm not sure because Lyle's fighting style appears to be circle your opponent and give him a mean face and then wait for him to hit your sword; just like Barbarian Queen strangely. But either way Billy has a training montage, ala Gymkata and so he is ready to fight.

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