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Congo

Congo
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An endless troupe of soon-to-be-dead invade a protected jungle to achieve their cavalcade of ulterior motives set to the backdrop of civil war. There's also a talking trash-can, lasers, primacide, Reagan's Star Wars program, bad science, missiles, bad management and Ernie Hudson. It's time for some good ol' bonkers business.

Congo from opening shot to final frame is a mass of nonsense. At no point in time does anything feasible or scientifically sound happen throughout. It's like they took the original script, sent it to Bizarro World, then brought it back and used that version. None of it makes any damn sense.

Now, the biggie...Amy the gorilla. She stinks, I'm sorry Stan Winston. This is a talking trashcan or at best one of the members of the Chuck E. Cheese band. But she's probably the most likeable character in the film, so you got that going for you.

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Prelude to Congo

Prelude to Congo
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Last year we made a hard decision that the classic Michael Crichton adaptation Congo was a must do for an episode and now we have reached the point where its time for such shenanigans. It's lasers, gorillas and greed and everything you want.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsGantz:O - NetflixSupersonic Man - Rifftrax - Amazon PrimeSuper Inframan - Amazon PrimeThe Wild Card - The Great Superpower DebateWater Freeze Man - 8.75/10 StarsAbout Congo - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

The novel Congo, written of course, by Michael Crichton in 1980, made a startling number of accurate predictions about future technology. When it came time make the movie, some 15 years later, those behind other Hollywood brain trust decisions, would include only two main technologies for the film version. These would most assuredly be the least intellectually palatable devices; the monkey talk box and, the by 1995 scientifically proven to be implausible laser gun. Another fabulous decision by the film-making team would be putting some hair on a brown trash can and making the declaration that it is a talking ape named Amy.

Frank Marshal made his third directorial effort with Congo, the previous two films being the box office hit Arachnophobia and the critical success Alive. Despite his established track record and more than impressive production credits as the other half of Amblin Entertainment, he decided to make this steaming turd burger. True to form, however, the Marshal picture still killed it at the box office raking in $80 million against a $50 million dollar budget. It should also be noted that John Patrick Shanley wrote the screen play for this. Yes the same guy who auteured Joe Vs The Volcano somehow also wrote this.

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Prelude to Unmasking the Idol

Prelude to Unmasking the Idol
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A little known film from 1986 that features untold amounts of ninjas, treasure, espionage, ninjas, 3-wheeler's, a baboon, a bad-ass Ford Ranger, and so many balloons comes to the show. This is one movie you won't want to miss.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsThe 5th Wave - StarzLondon Has Fallen - NetflixThe Wild Card - Who Wins in a Knife FightBoon (Unmasking the Idol) vs. Clyde (Every Which Way But Loose)About Unmasking the Idol (1986) - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

The only thing you need to know is that Duncan Jax is the world’s most dangerous ninja, I guess. It is a rare occasion when a film applies a lower functional knowledge of ninjas than the Cannon Films library, but a rare occasion this is. Red rare, like the red of a baboon’s butt. If you like the red of a baboon’s but then you won’t be disappointed by this film. Yes that’s right there is a baboon in this movie. 

One could really question if this is a ninja movie, or an animal side kick film. One could also question whether this is a James Rip off or an Indiana Jones rip off. Thankfully the answer to those and all the other questions about this film is “yes”. You can actually play a fun game with this film where you start to ask a question and then in the middle of it just say the word “yes”. For example: “Is he about to?”… “yes”, “Is that baboon going to use that on?”… “yes”.  You can go on and on. I feel like the answer to most of the questions at the end of the full episode are going to simply be “yes”.

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Ed

Ed
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Ed is the masterfully crafted story of a farmer turned worlds best pitcher ever with the help of a hilarious baseball-playing chimpanzee all while discovering the magic of baseball and the magic of children. Or it could be a film about the demonstration making a movie without knowing how baseball and/or animals work with the magic of baseball and the magic of children. You decide!

Ed stinks. We know that it is a children's movie. Fine. As far as children movies go, this one is insulting to children. For children to like this film, they must be stupid. That's the message that this film delivers, "It's ok that we don't think very hard about this one; children are stupid and will like anything." Except children aren't stupid. They know things about the world including how baseball works or how observable physics work. It's insulting. It's also fairly racist.

While Ed has the type of comedy that just comes across as annoying like The Love Guru and films that rely on sped-up film and farts to employ "humor", there are quite a few moments that are unintentionally laughable. Matt LeBlanc's performance as the greatest pitcher of all time is truly funny (especially when one of his pitches goes quite awry), the dramatic "cut day" scene that involves ONLY Jim Caviezel's character getting cut, and that after 38 minutes of the film you've only seen 30 seconds of actual baseball being played.

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Prelude to Ed

Prelude to Ed
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Brought to you by TRASH. The new channel featuring animals playing sports. Order TRASH today!

Matt LeBlanc graces our TV in the 1996 mega-stinker Ed. Its about a movie of a man in a monkey suit playing baseball! Plus there's a chimpanzee who plays baseball! (Our apologies to Matt LeBlanc, that joke is just way to easy to make)

Streaming Do's and Don'tsOutcast - NetflixCan't Buy Me Love - NetflixStar Wars Episode I - The Phantom Menace - HBO NowStar Wars Episode II - Attack of the Clones - HBO NowGood Neighbor, Bad Neighbor 

Apologize to our fans, but Sam totally blew it and didn't come up with any good neighbor, bad neighbor picks. If you see him, please shame him publicly.

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