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Stone Cold

Stone Cold
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Brian Bosworth stars this week as Joe Huff/John Stone/All Awesome in Stone Cold with William Forsythe and Lance Henriksen. Its the tale of one tough cop that goes undercover to accomplish absolutely nothing in preventing a biker gang destroying the entire government of Mississippi. Mullets, earrings, giant lizards, exploding choppers, and a ridiculously high body count makes up for one fun ride.

The very funny Ryan Fortier from the "Writing Through Vet School" blog joins us this week to help us make sense of this movie. Ryan is the author of "Paranoia" (available for $2.99) and one of the funniest bad movie reviewers. You can follow Ryan at https://quietthinker1.wordpress.com/ and read his bad movie reviews at https://quietthinker1.wordpress.com/category/bad-movies-2/.

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The Wraith

The Wraith
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Charlie Sheen, Sherilyn Fenn, Randy Quaid and Nick Cassavetes do battle with making sense as The Wraith and vengeance storm Arizona.

This movie is sweet. It's a real brainbuster as to why this isn't a more widely known film. If you were born as a male from 1975-1985 and you had seen this film at about the age of 11, it would have easily been your favorite film. Its got everything you could want: sweet cars, racing, cool guys, explosions, boobs, and a sprinkling of some magic baloney. We can only figure that because there's 4 sets of boobs in it that most parents wouldn't let their children see it. Well guess what, now we're all adults and this movie should be a big deal. If you haven't seen this, stop what you're doing and go watch it. It's for you.

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Beyond the Valley of the Dolls

Beyond the Valley of the Dolls
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Russ and Roger go beyond in this under-whelming tale of how LA is tough on people, I guess. It's really a tale of people having banter that doesn't work for the viewer and then boning. Nothing happens in the film until 90% of the way through. We say less banter, more boobies.

We'll just go ahead and say that this was a massive disappointment. We were hoping for some really far out zany business with a nice backdrop of solid chests. Unfortunately, its mostly just music video, party, banter, music video, party, banter, tame boning, music video, banter, party, wedding, credits. This formula equals a sum of boring for 3/4 of the film. The pacing and writing seem to try to shock the viewer but I can't even imagining in 1970 that this film was shocking. Its as if you are told that people can be gay and then the person telling you this looks at you as says "Aren't you shocked? You must be shocked? That's SOOOO shocking" while you look at this person and wonder if they've ever been outside. How naive did Russ and Roger think people were in 1970? People have sex and do drugs?!?! Whoa...

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Megaforce

Megaforce
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We complete Carl's Inaction in Action trilogy with one of the most ridiculous movies ever made. The leaders of the world have confirmed the existence of Megaforce. They are then hired by a crusty old man to blow up his helicopter.

We all feel that Megaforce is absolutely necessary if you love bad movies. Sam has it in his Hall of Fame. It's required viewing. If you haven't seen this please take 99 minutes and watch this on YouTube. Its a great time and the laughs never stop coming.

One of the greatest debates of all time is what does Megaforce actually do? What do they accomplish? What is this movie about? What happens? There are as many theories to the answers of these questions as there are about the meaning of life.

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Beowulf

Beowulf
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Christopher Lambert (the T is silent apparently) dons the role of Beowulf and defends an outpost in the future or past from Grendel, one of the "damned" who is a monster surrounded by a fart cloud, and his super horny mother. To defeat this evil duo, Beowulf must use his endless array of MI6-like weapon/gadgets and a series of flips and hand-springs. How many denizens of the outpost will survive before Beowulf gets the job done (spoiler alert - just 1)?

Lambert gives us another shining example why he should be the lead role in every bad movie. He's awful. Seriously bad. He constantly has this look on his face that seems like he's just staring at nothing (it turns out he's legally blind) and his accent is like Tommy Wiseau had a baby with Shakira. He delivers each line like its the ultimate one-liner after killing the bad guy with a bazooka at the end of the film. Let me put it this way, Lorenzo Lamas and Michael Dudikoff are better actors. But Lambert steals the show with this method and we loved him for it.

The effects and fight choreography are completely ridiculous. Grendel looks like someone did a really nice job of creating a monster but some producer decided he wasn't evil enough so they put in a nice post-production green/purple fart cloud that envelopes him the whole movie. There's an incredible amount of backflips, cartwheels and hand-springs that Beowulf uses during fighting and all lead to him to getting punched in the face by Grendel. That's right, Grendel doesn't claw or bite or rip people apart; he punches them right in the face like he was Chuck Norris, while being a hulking mass covered in farts. It's amazing. 

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Undefeatable

Undefeatable
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Godfrey Ho or one of his 1000 other aliases, directs this stunning look into one man's child neglect issues and the subsequent internal conflicts that come about....mainly crazy mullet painting, eyeball collecting, insane kung fu fights and taking your shirt off.

Undefeatable is like a one-way ticket to nonsenical town. Don Niam plays "Stingray" a deatmatcher that fights in boxing gear and in a ring but killing the opponent is ok/encouraged (we don't know the rules) who becomes a wacko because he gets addicted to killing opponents. But he's also got mommy issues because at one point in his life she "went to get smokes" and never came back. Stingray's motivation for being nutty is pretty vague and unclear. But either way he's nuts. Really nuts. His wife leaves him because he's abusive so he goes on a hunt to find any and all women who resemble her and kidnap them, take their eyeballs and then dump the corpse. It should be noted that in this movie taking out someones eyeballs can and will be the cause of death. Any other actions taken are just for fun.

Meanwhile Cynthia Rothrock plays Kristi, a waitress/street fighter who is saving up money to pay for her sisters college. Unfortunately, Stingray takes Kristi's sister as one of his victims, so Kristi goes on a tirade through Kung Fu Town (everyone in this town knows kung fu, seriously) in a search for vengeance. Cynthia Rothrock is amazing in this film. Her fight scenes are epic, her acting is laughable (especially when she visits her sisters corpse in the morgue, which is in the police station apparently) and her air fighting practice is like something out of a bad break-dancing video. Its a tragedy that Don Niam and Cynthia Rothrock don't share more screen time because their singular screen presences are quite something and would be better if they could dual it out with their "acting" a little more.

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Girls Just Want to Have Fun

Girls Just Want to Have Fun
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Sarah Jessica Parker and Helen Hunt remind us why the 80's should stay dead in this zaniest, craziest, wildest, freshest, bubblegum romp. Sarah Jessica Parker plays Laney, a girl who just wants to dance, and Helen Hunt plays Lynne who just wants to put weird stuff in her hair (lobsters, grasshoppers, dinosaurs, etc...). But the pair are thwarted by the reality of life and the harshness of societal norms (like jobs and school).

The movie is the 80's in a can of pepper spray applied directly to the head. Everything is pink. Everything. Fine. Everyone has atrocious fashion sense. Fine. The music is awful princess pop. Fine. If you can get past those things there's still more non-decade specific problems that this movie suffers from (and rewards with).

For instance, the complete lack of a concept of reality. The girls go to Catholic School but never show up and if they do they ditch pretty easily. The Catholic School also features very young and attractive nuns only. They also practice outdoor gymnastics (ladies' pommel horse?). Everyone in this film can instantly be best friends without ever being properly introduced as well. "Hey, you're that new girl, right?," one girl might say. "Wow, you're like totally my best friend now. Let's tell each other our deepest secrets and get into zany trouble!", the other would retort.

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Bad Taste

Bad Taste
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LOTR director Peter Jackson directs and stars (with 2 roles) in Bad Taste, a film so amazing it took 4 years to make and was banned in Australia.

This movie tells the tale of the Protectors of Earth as they take on the evil Lord Crumb and his evil fast food employee horde. Can Derek defeat Crumb or is the yummy goodness of human meat just too much to ignore? Will Crumb's Country Delights take over in market share? Will the board of directors see increased profits? How does Barry keep such an excellent beard for 4 years? Your questions are answered, when Mark guests with Jackie and Justin.

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The Leprechaun

The Leprechaun
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Rachel and three of the worst painters known to man get terrorized by a little green guy with bad hygiene. He just wants his gold, but no one thinks to just spend the gold OR kick him across the county.

Also Warwick Davis rides a skateboard, drives a Power Wheel, pogos, teleports, does a Shaggy and Scooby-Doo impression, gets shot a bunch, has super strength, hates cereal, loves shoes, Daffy Ducks a fence, and has Wolverines powers.

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Jason X

Jason X
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A group of teenage Jawas thaw out a frozen Jason, only to realize that the its time to die. Not even a karate version of C-3PO can stop Jason from enacting his vengeance on humpers. Plus, is that Candyman? And why are space stations so explodable?

So some how in 2008 Jason is captured and stuck in a cryogenic research facility (that just happens to be at Camp Crystal Lake). Some Army dudes want to study his regenerative powers but instead he hacks them all up. One of the facility staff them shoots Jason into one of the cryo chambers and he gets frozen up nice until 2455. At that point, a group of students/doctors/research/scavengers (unclear who these people are but they basically are Jawas) find Jason and put him on their space ship so they can sell him. He thaws out and hilarity ensues.

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Showdown in Little Tokyo

Showdown in Little Tokyo
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Two tough action ninja cops find bromance while taking down the Yakusa with exploding beer, double reverse punch kicks, and the dullest samurai sword of all time. Dolph Lundgren, Brandon Lee, and Tia Carrere's stunt body team up for some out of control action in LA. This is one of the best bad action movies you've never seen.

This movie is so dumb and awesome its ridiculous. We highly recommend this one if you're an action fanatic.

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Expendables 3

Expendables 3
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75 old guys and a handful of "youths" blow some stuff up, make poopy-faces, and break through the 4th wall WAY too many times. We go to the theater and expend $3 for one of the biggest flops of 2014.

So it appears indeed that the team behind EX3 completely walked away from what made the series great. First, it's PG-13. Then instead of giving us old guys that we know and want to see, we are giving a team of young nobodies who's characters are about as kick-ass as warm lemonade. The stunts don't really get going until the last sequence and there's just too much damn CGI in it. Guys go back to what you built your career off - one-liners (that don't break through the 4th wall), crazy action sequences (that are shoot well with good stunts - not just shaking the camera around), and actual action stars (not Kelsey Grammar and Mel Gibson -even though they deliver the best performances in the movie). Still this movie is a total do...in the theater or on DVD when it comes out, NOT by illegally downloading it, you unholy pieces of Simon Cowell shit.

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Malibu Express

Malibu Express
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It's time to step onto the Malibu Express (hope you can get past security) and get into the shower (it's ok to stare at the camera) as Andy Sidaris gives us the epic booby movie that is Malibu Express.

This one's got it all: Guns, girls, glitz, boobs, racing, helicopters, grenades, ad-libbed lines, fast cars, faster women, yacht clubs, international espionage, more boobs, and soooo much more boobs.

We also want to thank Arlene Sidaris for all her help and support on making this episode possible. Arlene is why we all still have access to the Andy Sidaris library and so we wish her love and thanks for keeping these movies alive. Also please watch the film this week in full from Mill Creek Productions:

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Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
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We take a look at the Kevin Costner and Kevin Reynolds epic turd that is Robin Hood. With special guests Hobbits, stunt butts, fisheye lenses, and a plot that makes absolutely no sense....oh and Shaun and Chelsea. Tallyho!

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Action Jackson

Action Jackson
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It's time for Jericho Jackson to try to live up to his nickname, yet for some reason he avoids the action for 3/4 of the movie. But when the action hits, boy does it hit. Vanity is the worst lounge singer of all time, Craig T. Nelson knows karate (at least his stunt guy does), and Sharon Stone just can't stay alive or happily married in any movie she's in. Get ready for some nonsense.

Action Jackson is named very inaccurately. When it comes to action, Jericho dials it up to about a 3. He spends most of his time not performing any action. He almost seems more like a stock broker than an action guy. Yes we know he jumps over a car, but the rest of the time he just kind of wanders around and asks people what the hell is going on around him. He's essentially the worst detective ever. Everyone knows the plot of the film except him (and us). The entire plan of the villian (Craig T. Nelson) is revealed to him by a beautician who has absolutely no contact with anyone or any events in the movie. Uhm...what?

Craig T. plays a guy named Delaplane who's motivation is to keep his hair from staying the same color, revolutionize the auto industry by building a Fiero, and bang drug addicts. He's married to Sharon Stone who gets murdered (was she the 90's version of Sean Bean?) because she asks a question. He can also do karate. You heard it. Coach can do karate. It may be one of the worst castings for a karate guy of all time. I'm not buying it.

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Noah

Noah
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We apologize for the poor audio on this episode. We had a new computer setup and frankly we don't know what the hell we're doing. But you all seem to like what we do so keep on'a listenin'.

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The first half is "The Bible as told by Tolkien". The second half is Cape Fear (no really). And the entire thing is sprinkled with crap. It's Noah and it's arguably the worst movie ever to see a theater release. 

We honestly can't see what anyone sees as good in this film. I guess it's full of action, but there is very little good storytelling here. Its purely built around the action and effects, which really doesn't help because the action is incredibly dumb and the effects look absolutely terrible. Tons and tons of CGI that looks pretty rubbery. Then there's battle-action Noah. Where did Noah learned to fight like Legolas?

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Prelude to Deathrace 2000

Prelude to Deathrace 2000

The very first "Stinker Hall of Fame" movie makes it's debut; so let's get ready to run people over with David Carradine and Sly Stallone.  Plus Stinker Thinkers (Sam is pummeling Justin) and Netflix Do's and Don'ts...we also may get a little out of hand here....

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Teen Witch

Teen Witch
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Hang on to your eye of newt and your spider legs! You're about to drink a powerful witch's brew of bad movie business. Betrayal, conceit, lust, and greed take over this week in a trip back to the 80's. You're going to be the most popular girl!

This movie is nanners. It seems amazingly offensive to just about any group of people in the world, including females, teenagers, morals, parents, teachers and probably even witches. The witch trials were a better era for witches than Teen Witch. The movie is about an unpopular girl in high school who uses magic powers to win the heart of a statutory rapist, in the process ruins the life of her friends and family. She's an awful person. Her beau is about the biggest b-hole in the world so they may be perfect for each other but combined they are like Stalin marrying Lizzie Borden. Pure evil!

Most people will note this film for its horrible music. Rap battles, cheer songs about boys, on stage performances from a Sheena-E knockoff, the list goes on. The interesting thing about the music is the sheer volume which lends this film to be considered a musical, however we can't agree because each of the musical sequances take place in the reality of the world and the world is presented as if it is our world. I think these musical pieces aren't there for pure entertainment like true musicals do; they are there because they are part of the characters life. It's pretty weird. However, each musical number is purely ridiculous and can each be viewed on their own for their LOL-ability.

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Freejack

Freejack
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We take a look into the future where Mick Jagger gets to be an action star, no one ages, and that fava-beans and chianti guy gets paid his day rate. Emilio Estevez stars as Alex Furlong, a race car driver that gets exploded into the future so that he can get "bone-jacked" for a rich man's immortality....we think. The future doesn't make a whole lot of sense to us humble 2014 people.

Emilio and Jagger are really quite bad actors in this film. They both are terrible but in completely opposite ways. Jagger is thoroughly wooden and puts little to no effort into his role. While Estevez does his best Jim Carrey and overacts each scene. He's like that desperate person at the end of the bar at midnight that tries way too hard to be your friend. This duo play enemies so the opposing acting makes up for some fun unintentional comedic chemistry.

There's some pretty weird things in the future as well. Everybody shoots at each other yet cities seem to be fairly pleasant aside from the flying bullets. Time and space do not have properties in people's dwellings as most apartments in the film have secret rooms and doors that can't physically exist in the building space, at least in the world that we understand. Toss in Alex and Julie Redlund's (played by Rene Russo) relationship with their literal on-screen butt kissing and quite unrealistic dialogue, you've got a story world that involves a lot of head scratching for the viewer.

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Prelude to Freejack

Prelude to Freejack

We get ready to travel to the future when Mick Jagger becomes a movie star in Freejack.  Plus more Netflix dos and don'ts as well as our riveting improv work.

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