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Troll 2

Troll 2
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Troll 2 has been widely hailed as one of the best bad movies ever made what with its documentary called "Best Worst Movie" and also topping the IMDB Bottom 100. Sometimes though a film can be overpraised in its horrendousness. Will Troll 2 stand up to the critical analysis that has debunked such films as Gigli and Mommie Dearest?

The short answer? No. No this movie is one of the worst ever made.

The long answer is that Troll 2 is undoubtedly an incredible film. Each time you watch this film, you catch something new in its delirium. Its a wonderful treat upon each viewing. Its so crammed with crumminess that when you stop laughing maniacally you find just another terrible thing to laugh at in the next second. You can't stop laughing and it's brilliant. This movie is why we do what we do.

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Justin
Jackie and I have seen it, Sam has not who is the primary remarker that you mention. However, remember that documentaries statemen... Read More
Friday, 15 July 2016 21:33
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Deadliest Prey

Deadliest Prey
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Danton returns to do his thing and his thing is killing so many people in ridiculous ways. This time he gets kidnapped by Colonel Hogan for the sake of a "never hunt a man" competition, faces off against Thorton, receives an assist from an old military buddy, has his wife kidnapped by a sexretary and does a fist pump in the air. Sound familiar?

If you had told us that Deadliest Prey is just a remake of Deadly Prey without any of a new story we would have been deeply disappointed. It shouldn't work. But somehow Deadliest Prey does work. There's no better way they could have done it. It's so much fun and has so much fan service that works great that we absolutely loved it. 

For the most part Deadliest Prey is stocked with the same characters as Deadly Prey, including Danton, Colonel Hogan, Thorton, the Sexretary, Danton's wife and the former bud. This time though there's an addition of 3 computer "hackers" who are the biggest of doofuses (doofusi?) and are atrociously bad (awesome) actors. They also do the fairly common thing of no knowledge of how the Internet works. It's great. Poor dialogue and even poorer deliverer from them makes for a very welcome addition.

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976-EVIL 2

976-EVIL 2
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Jim Wynorski makes his Stinker Madness debut with 1991's tale of a spooky phone hotline that gives you the confidence to mow on Bridgette Neilsen's box and gain super-powers so that you can stock a lady with a tall butt.

We're pretty confused on what this movie is about. Our best theory is that the dean of a community college has an obsession with his ex-office assistant. He's nuts and thinks that a 1-900 horoscope number will give him the powers to stalk her properly. So he somehow meets up with the proprietor of a spooky stuff supply store who if you give her cunnilingus you will be given the powers of Doctor Strange. Meanwhile, a guy who only has leather motorcycle gear to wear and who does not shower ever, thinks that the 1-900 number is somehow involved but they are just a red herring and are just a "phone company" with a really lame business model and a fairly bored CEO.

So none of the story makes any sense, which is no problem for us. We love how Jim doesn't bother with any of that and just crams silly stuff in to mask the lack of a plot. There's several sequences in this film that are a laugh riot, particularly the scene where Motorcycle Greg fights possessed assault rifles and flying frozen pizzas, a car chase sequence with a ninja driver, and possibly the best exploding dummy ever caught on film. Hilarious!

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Punisher: War Zone

Punisher: War Zone
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Our final film in our superhero threepeat is 2008's MCU bonkersfest Punisher: War Zone and its a masterpiece. Its the most violent, over the top, ridiculous, preposterous, bad-assery, poorly acted gem of an incredible time. It would have been impossible for this film to be successful but it is also impossible to NOT be a cult-classic. It's great.

Ray Stevenson kills it as the Punisher. There should be no other person to ever play Frank Castle (Sorry Joe Bernthal, Punisher doesn't have roof top conversations with men in tights; he just kills people). Ray's big, formidable, and hardly has any lines. He's brilliant.

Then, on the other side of the acting, you have Dominic West (Jigsaw), who seems like possibly the worst actor imaginable. He's a caricature of a tough guy. It seems impossible that anyone could be worse, but then....it happens. Doug Hutchison (Looney Bin Jim) is bananas. He wins the bad act-off contest in stunning fashion. If bad-acting was a gladiatorial tournament, then Dominic West would yell at the audience "Are you not entertained?" (poorly) and the audience would go nuts but the Emperor would give the thumbs down and in comes the ringer, Doug Hutchison. Doug is blindfolded and has one hand behind his back and a moldy orange as his weapon, and beat the crap out of Dominic West. And then they team up to take down the whole Roman Empire for the rest of the movie. It's amazing.

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Prelude to Punisher: War Zone

Prelude to Punisher: War Zone
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In the last of our Superhero Threepeat, we are super jacked to bring in one of the most ridiculous (and awesome) films ever made. Its just one of only two "Marvel Knights" movies and I can't imagine why there weren't more. Ray Stevenson becomes Frank Castle in a bonkers and violent manner in Punisher: War Zone. Do not fail to watch this epic film.

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After the whirlwind non-success of Lions Gate (more aptly loins gate) 2004 Punisher, it was announced that the DVD sales were strong enough to warrant a sequel. Oddly, the studio would almost go bankrupt in 2012. Writer/Director Jonathan Hensleigh was back on board to direct with Tom Jane reprising his role as Frank Castle. The script this time was being worked on by a writer independent of Hensleigh. It would seem that early drafts would cause the departure of Hensleigh. This I should think to be a tall order, to write a script that would chase off the guy who wrote Armageddon. Jane stayed on like a trooper and at one point had gained 12 pounds of muscle for the role. Eventually a later version of the scrip would chase of Jane, who would rather and subsequently star in The Mist, Mutant Chronicles and Drive Hard. That’s got to be one dandy of a script. After being turned down by a hand full of directors they eventually hire Lexi Alexander. Alexander quit the second she saw the script. After Lions Gate gave her full creative control of the project she came back aboard. Alexander’s previous film was Green Street, which holds the distinction of being the second film to win both the Jury Prize and the Audience Award at SXSW. She has, however, had trouble staying busy since. It seems like there is an abundance of writers attached to the film, to the point where who did what is a mystery. 

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Superman IV: The Quest for Peace

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace
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Its time for another great threepeat of similarly themed crappy movies and in honor of Cap Vs Iron Man we are going to delve into some of the less talked about but maybe even worse superhero movies that have graced the silver screen and then tripped upon entrance. You'll thrill at Superman IV's ineptness! You'll gasp at the offensiveness of Supergirl! You'll wonder at the banana business that is Punisher: War Zone! Join us for this excellent showcase of flops in the worlds of DC and Marvel.

Superman takes on Lex Luthor's crappy cro-magnon clone of the Man of Steel while adding the power of the sun. So he's made of the thing that gives Supes his power on Earth? Bad design, Lex. Oh also, Superman owns a net specifically made to store nuclear missiles. Did he buy that?

Wow, this film...wow. What a train wreck. Superman IV is very easily one of the worst executed films of all time. The writing is awful, the action is awful, the acting is awful, the set design, costumes, sound, editing and even the film credits are awful. At no point in the production process did anyone stop and say, "Guys, this is not it! Start over!" Its preposterous!

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Justin
Hey Adam. Thanks for joining the show and the quality catch. Get ready to catch a bunch more.
Sunday, 22 May 2016 02:27
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She

She
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Sandahl Bergman and a couple of nut-sacks take us on an Odyssey through one bonkers town to the next in a post-apocalyptic/swords and sandals mashup. We welcome our very special guest, Toren Atkinson of The Darkest of the Hillside Thickets and the Caustic Soda Podcast, to help us attempt to make sense of 1982's She.

We want to say a huge thank you to the very funny, Toren Atkinson. We've all been huge fans of the Caustic Soda Podcast and are happy to have our second of the three hosts on our show. Don't hesitate to go back and listen to our hilarious American Ninja episode with Joe Fulgham for more Caustic Soda business. Toren is also the front-man of the "Chuthulu" rock band, The Darkest of the Hillside Thickets. TDotHT is recording and new album and Toren was kind enough to let us include one of the most badass of tracks, "Nyarlathotep". 

For more on Toren, Caustic Soda, and The Darkest of the Hillside Thickets, please please please visit:

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Tomboy

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Betsy Russell cranks up the charm while the movie's everything else sets women's equality back 20 years. It's possibly the most offensive to women (and anyone with a brain) movie to come out of the 80s packaged as a rom-com. Enjoy this movie, but in no way practice anything from it in real life.

We'll start with Betsy Russell, the star (Tommy Boyd). She's quite cute. She's quite charming. She's got a huge rack. But her hair stinks. She suffers from a case of Adrienne Barbeau head. Yes it was the 80's and yes perms were the norm but in "these modern times" perms look ridiculous and only belong on people that work the counter at your local golf course. With that caveat, we'd love it if we could find more stinkers with her in them. She's got IT!

The rest of this movie is a series of bad and offensive ideas where people behind the camera had no concept of reality nor how to treat women properly. The lead beau is an EPIC douche/rapist. In one scene he punches Tommy in the mouth and then while "unconscious" he begins the process of rape. Then she falls in love with him. This guy just punched you in the face and was going to sexually assault you! Don't fall in love with him! Call the cops!

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Gone with the Pope

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Duke Mitchell gives us his best Godfather impression and along the way offends all of mankind, sails the Atlantic without problem, nabs the most powerful man on the planet with a pistol, and then finds God? It's one of the most bonkers films ever made and shouldn't be missed.

This film is one of those rare "masterpieces" that come once every few hundred years. When films like Gone with the Pope are released, the stars and planets must all be in line and druids must sacrifice a virgin on top of some rocks. This is incredibly unique. It's two movies mashed into one with one of the least charismatic actors fronting the entire show all while not having a clue on how to make a movie. It's a vanity piece on par with The Room with a screenplay that is written on napkins and roll up hundreds primarily used for snorting coke. What Duke Mitchell put together in 1975 is a trainwreck of catastrophic proportions.

But then you take the incredible work that Bob Murawski did with restoring and recutting the film and the incredible soundtrack by Jeff Mitchell (Director Duke Mitchell's son) and you've got this travesty of a film packaged in a box that rivals the production qualities of Heat and Good Fellas. It's insane. Imagine if Troll 2 was reproduced by Steven Spielberg. 

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Prelude to Gone with the Pope

Prelude to Gone with the Pope
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It's time for one of the craziest films ever to be made (sorta). In 1976, Duke Mitchell shot most of the film and then the footage disappeared..until now! We think it's about some mafia guys who kidnap The Pope, yes that Pope. You don't want to miss this one. 

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Bob Murawski, who is known for editing the majority of Sam Raimi’s work, and Sage Stallone, who is known for coming out of Sylvester Stallone’s testicles, together founded Grindhouse Releasing. Grindhouse has been called the Criterion of cult films. The story goes that in 1995 Stallone and Murawski found the work print of gone with the pope in Jeff Mitchell’s garage, Jeff being the son of director Duke Mitchell. It would then take 15 years to restore the film. In 2010 the film was finished and given a very limited release. The numbers say that this was released to DVD in 2014 while Mitchell’s other film, Massacre Mafia Style, was released to home video on 2015. This seems to not jive as I watched a copy of Massacre Mafia Style in 2014, possibly even 2013. In more contrast to the listed release dates, the word on the street was that the release of Massacre Mafia Style and subsequent DVD sales funded the Blu-ray mastering of Gone With the Pope. Though he did see the completion of the film, Stallone would die tragically of a heart attack in 2012 several years before it’s wider home release.

Mitchell, the King of Palm Springs, started his entertainment career club singing for $65 a week. Sammy Petrillo, at that time, was also making about that for comedy. They teamed up and did a Martin & Lewis thing for a few years. At the height of their popularity they were in the budget film Bella Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla. Shortly thereafter Jerry Lewis would have them blackballed. Duke continued his career as an entertainer and would eventually become responsible for the highly successful Palm Springs Ranch Club “Sunday Brunches” where he would bring in such exotic guests such as Cary Grant, Frank Sinatra and Lucille Ball. Mitchell’s film making strategy was as loose as those brunches probably got. Reportedly the closest thing to a script the film had was a pile that consisted of notebooks, loose papers, and ideas written on envelopes and cocktail napkins. He would put anyone in the film provided that he gave them money. He shot the whole thing on weekends and fired his sound guy so he wouldn’t have to pay him. There was reportedly $35k spent on the unfinished project.  Massacre Mafia Style was finished at a cost of $50k.

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Street Trash

Street Trash
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A fairly accurate look into the life and mind of the bum that captures the essence of the transient; 100% crazy. Take a bunch of homeless people and then stuff them full of the worst alcohol ever created and watch them melt. Plus many not safe for children topics including penis keep-away...wait what?

Street Trash really isn't for everyone. On many levels, it is almost too morally offensive. There's several sequences that are almost too uncomfortable. These bums are horrible, horrible people. They truly care about nothing but themselves and have as little regard for human life as Dr. Josef Mengele. Enter at your own risk and do not bring a date to a viewing of Street Trash.

If you can not only suspend your disbelief but also suspend your revulsion of disgusting people, there's alot of good stuff here. Spoiler Alert - This movie is "about" melting bums. There's a batch of hard alcohol called Viper that when consumed turns your insides-out and makes your guts turn into spectacular colored paint. Very interesting. Melting bums are the least gross thing in this film. That's how awful the actions of these bums are.

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Turkey Shoot

Turkey Shoot
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The deadliest game comes to Stinker Madness once again in the form of Ozploitation with 1982's Turkey Shoot. Brian Trenchard-Smith delivers a classic stinker with some seriously insane sequences and a hell of lot of fun.

Turkey Shoot has a reputation for being pretty hardcore with heavy exploitative tones and excessive gore. We're not really seeing it. This is a fairly tame movie (in relative terms) to other "exploitation" films (see Cannibal Ferox, Mad Foxes, Killer Elephants et al.) So no one should go into this one thinking they are gonna get really offended or grossed out.

There is a ton of great performances and memorable characters. The cast is great with especially epic jobs from Roger Ward, Carmen Duncan and Steve Railsback. Olivia Hussey does a pretty good job of playing an innocent virginal character that makes no sense. She however does NOT do a good job of shooting a .50 cal.

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The Apple

The Apple
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In the year 1994, disco has become such a force in culture that record producers can rule the government forcing the citizens of Earth to face prison time and social rejection if they are not down with "BIM"...we still aren't sure what BIM is but apparently you must be down with it. However, we are not.

This movie stinks! Wow is this not how you make a movie and its such a mess that it becomes a spectacle. Normally, movies that predict the future are pretty off in their predictions of how we live but this one is WAAAAYYYY off. I don't remember glam in 1994's music. Maybe I misses something but I don't remember flannel having alot of glitter on it. But this film just can't believe that disco and "The Bay City Rollers" weren't going to rule music.

When compared to similar musical films of 1980, this is maybe the worst musical of all time. Note I'm not saying worse as a movie than Xanadu or Can't Stop the Music, but worse as a musical. The difference is that the music in this film is awful. Its a musical and the music is garbage. The dancing is preposterous. All of the other failings of this film take a back seat to how bad the music is.

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Yor: The Hunter from the Future

Yor: The Hunter from the Future
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Yor does not come from the future. He comes from over there. Sorry for the spoiler. He is still awesome. The ladies love him, the men fear him and Yor believes himself to be the most rad dude of all time and he might be right.

Yor is one of those wacky Italian movies that believes to be a good idea with a good story but is just a mess of silly business. Yor bounces smugly from scene to scene veritably stating directly to the audience, "Hey, did you know I'm awesome? Cause I am." His motivations aren't clear, his actions are bonkers, and his idiom is dubious. He's great. He even has his own awesome theme song (Yor's World) that rivals "Do You Want to Be a Hero" from Biggles: Adventure in Time and "Stargrove" from Never Too Young To Die.

Yor and his ladies...we truly don't even need a plot for Yor because we'd be happy just watching Yor walk around, meet a lady, fight some dudes or monsters, bang said lady, then walk around, meet another lady who makes lady #1 quite jealous, lady fight, then lady dies and the process repeats. Now that I think about it that's pretty much the whole film except the last 20 minutes. The idea of jealous ladies defending other ladies from Yor's wiles in a barbarian movie is so silly and will lead to many a good laughs.

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Dreamcatcher

Dreamcatcher
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Four buddies with superpowers given to them by an alien that may or may not be mentally handicapped, have to team up to stop poop monsters from making people get icky tummies. Really, that's the movie. Wow....

In our first 2 parter ever, we break down 2003's Dreamcatcher. This movie is insanity. There is just about everything you want in a bad movie in this one. It is a scosh too long but this one's got it all with the combination of the stupid plot, the bad acting, the cheesy movie monster (it comes out butts), the dubiousness of Morgan Freeman and Tom Sizemore's characters, and Dudditts. Wow, Duddits. We love you, Duddits.

The primary mistake this movie makes is poop. Really really. The film is meant to be frightening. The elements in concept are horrific. Being killed by something that is too big to be inside you coming out of your butt is possibly one of the worst ways to go. The Spanish Inquisition had nicer ways of killing people. Josef Mengele would have loved to have a bunch of shit weasels at his disposal. However, this is not scary in Dreamcatcher, it's hilarious. By the time the "horror" starts in this film, you've been giggling about farts and poop for ten minutes. So it's pretty tough to be scared.

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Jurassic World

Jurassic World
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Gramps and Tucker from the If We Made It podcast join us for a Bad Movie Field trip with the most successful film of 2015, Jurassic World. It's been labeled by the geniuses of the Internet as a cinematic milkshake of bad movie tropes and not carrying the spirit of 1993's Jurassic Park. We ask, "What do you want from a monster movie?"

Jurassic World at its core is just plain silly. The employees are all buffoons, the CEO may be the worst one of all time, and Chris Pratt's jungle man routine is about as preposterous as Donald Trump being President. It's all just silly. Critics and haters alike complain about the film not taking itself seriously enough and Bryce Dallas Howard traipsing through jungles and stepping in dino doo doo in high heels, with a bevy of buzzwords like one-dimensional, cliche, and lackluster. Perhaps you should just stick with Kurosawa films, it's a friggin movie about dinosaurs eating people! You can claim that your precious Jurassic Park is a film about taking science too far without considering the consequences but ask any child (which is the franchise's target market, not you Beardy) and they will tell you its about dinosaurs eating people.

But you didn't ask for reality, you asked for more teeth.

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Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Halloween III: Season of the Witch
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Tom Atkins stars as a mustache-ride-given hacker doctor detective with the help of a young woman who may or may not be an android to take down a Irish/Californian novelty gift manufacturer who wants to use the powers of Stonehenge to transform millions of children into bugs and snakes. Don't come for Michael Meyers, stay for the endless sea of questions.

The movie is completely silly. The plot of ridiculous and with each moment the viewer is just presented more and more questions. It's like the entire run of Lost or the heads of the Hydra. When you answer one question, five more questions sprout up. Each character's motivations are pretty confusing not to mention who the hell they are. Why is Tom Atkins the detective? Why is he alcoholic? Is the girl a robot the entire time? If so, why does she lead Tom Atkins directly to the Silver Shamrock Corp? Does Silver Shamrock murder children or do they just become bugs and snakes? If its murder, then is it murder by teleporting bugs and snakes into their brains? Just writing these questions make me think of more. We could spend 900 pages in just questions.

Characters come and go without serving much purposes aside from groudy effects. Time and space have no properties (night only last about 2 hours in diagetic time, Santa Mira requires a long drive in a car to reach but is just a short jog if on foot). Dialog seems all too convenient for purposes of laughing at:

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Midnight Ride

Midnight Ride
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Mark Hamill kidnaps a lady so that he can have his doctor zap her brains but first he must give slip to the husband, one Michael Dudikoff. It's a thriller/action/slasher movie where Hamill shows he's nuts, Dudikoff gives us his "whoa-face", we learn who Tommy Wiseau's mother is and Robert Mitchum is on set for about 2 hours!

This movie is pretty ridiculous. It never stops moving with absurdity. From Dudikoff getting strapped to the hood of a car in an elaborate death method to the explosion of a family in a station wagon to endless fog to the bad "Xtreme Sports" music choice. It's bat shit. 

The film has absolutely no clue what the heck it is. It's a slasher with no blood. It's an car chase movie with little car chasing. It's a thriller with non-diagetic music that fits a 90's Nerf commercial. What it is though is hot. It's fast-paced, laugh a second, splosions all over the place and never-ending ludicrousness. It's awesome.

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Road House

Road House
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Dalton gets brought into make a bar even less fun, get paid way too much, prevent alcohol from being served and then rip everyone's throats out. It's the bad movie classic Road House, 5 time Razzie nominee starring Patrick Swayze and Sam Elliot.

This is one of the most viewed and loved bad movies of all time and there's a reason it's so popular. It's ridiculous. It's one hell of a good time. The action is over the top, the dialogue is hilarious, the acting is a atrocious and the plot of completely stupid. It's fantastic. There's so many problems with the story but I'll try to name just a couple:

Ben Gazara plays a villain (Brad Wesley) who seems to have built a nice town as head of the Chamber of Commerce, but suddenly gains a real interest in being a bad guy once Dalton comes to town and decides to blow up the entire town. Huh?Dalton gets paid a $5000 hiring bonus and then $500/night. Which means if Dalton works at the Double Deuce for just 1 month, he'll make $17,500 dollars. Dalton may be a millionaire. That's a TON of money in 1988 and I'm pretty sure that the Double Deuce didn't make that much money in a fiscal quarter.Where are the friggin cops? Its implied that they are paid off but there is really only so much a dirty cop can hide. There's eyeballs every night on the floor of the bar and probably a corpse or two a month.Where are the women in the film thinking they are going? They are all dressed like they are going to a club in Miami or LA, but instead they are just going to a shit hole with eyeballs on the floor every night.Wayde (Sam Elliot) plays the "best" bouncer in the world (cause that's a thing) yet Wayde works at a run down strip club. If he's the best he should be head of security at a casino in Vegas or Atlantic City. He is definitely not the best bouncer in the world.No one seems to have a clue how insurance works. Wesley blows up an auto parts store and then runs a car dealership over with Bigfoot and then splodes a guy's house so they decide to kill him. No! Just call your insurance company, get a check and then move.

Road House is an epic in "tough guy" business. Every character is super tough (but not as tough as Dalton, of course) and all of the women are damsels that have one motivation in life; get your boobs out. If you get offended by some pretty one dimensional female characters you might want to avoid this one. But if you can get past how offensive this film is, you're in for a great ride. It is one of those rare films that never takes its foot off the gas pedal. It's a really dumb gas pedal but that thing is pegged for 90 minutes. Great great great time!

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Stone Cold

Stone Cold
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Brian Bosworth stars this week as Joe Huff/John Stone/All Awesome in Stone Cold with William Forsythe and Lance Henriksen. Its the tale of one tough cop that goes undercover to accomplish absolutely nothing in preventing a biker gang destroying the entire government of Mississippi. Mullets, earrings, giant lizards, exploding choppers, and a ridiculously high body count makes up for one fun ride.

The very funny Ryan Fortier from the "Writing Through Vet School" blog joins us this week to help us make sense of this movie. Ryan is the author of "Paranoia" (available for $2.99) and one of the funniest bad movie reviewers. You can follow Ryan at https://quietthinker1.wordpress.com/ and read his bad movie reviews at https://quietthinker1.wordpress.com/category/bad-movies-2/.

The plot of this film is quite dubious. Essentially, there is a biker gang that is causing a ruckus. One of them gets put on trial for shooting a priest for some reason. So we guess they are going to try to spring him from jail. The FBI hires a suspended tough guy cop named Joe Huff to go under-cover, as John Stone, in the gang to keep tabs on them. Along the way, they do some stuff and then Joe completely fails to stop them from killing everyone. We really have no idea what the story of this film is supposed to be. On screen, all you can really tell is that a guy acts tough and then all of Mississippi dies. It also seems that no one really has much of a plan to accomplish their unknown goals. The biker gang has no end game. Stone's plan just seems to be hang around the gang and do assorted tasks for them. And when someone comes up with a plan to do something they completely fail every single time. Even simple tasks like "earn profits" or "stay alive" cannot be executed.

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