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Gymkata

Gymkata
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USA Gold Medal magnet, Kurt Thomas, stars as John Cabot, a USA Gold Medal magnet/super secret agent/diplomat to strange lands. So he solo invades Parmistan, an absolutely insane country, to play "The Game" to get a satellite substation. Well that makes perfect sense!

Gymkata is serious shenanigans. It could be argued that it's the most bonkers movie we've reviewed and definitely the most poorly thought out. While most might focus on the unawesome martial art that combines gymnastics and karate (which puts it in the Streaming Do's and Don'ts realm) the country of Parmistan is our focus. Parmistan is impossible. It can't work. How does diplomacy work? Do they have foreign trade? Is their military only made of ninja or are they more like the secret police? Is there a system of government besides the Khan? I personally believe that someone, probably Pakistan, would have bombed Parmistan back into the Stone Age, but Parmistan never got out of the Stone Age so I guess bomb them back to the times of the dinosaurs (they may also have dinosaurs).

This is a really terrible movie. Sure, it's fun. But not fun in the usual manner. Take Megaforce for example. It's really bad but it's awesome. The action is awesome, the vehicles are awesome, the bad guy's awesome. It drips awesome. But Gymkata is the opposite. When Kurt Thomas fights guys using his special style it's quite not awesome. It's laughable at how dump it looks. If a child pretends to fight with Gymkata with their friends in the backyard, they are going to get beat up. It's a one way ticket to Bullytown.

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Prelude to Gymkata

Prelude to Gymkata
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This week on the podcast we gear up for one of the most notorious bad movies ever made and a hallmark of stupidity. When you need to invade a country that doesn't make any sense, send in an Olympic Gold Medalist!

The Wild Card - The Great Superpower Debate

Immunity to negative drug side effects - 7.75 out of 10 stars

The 2016 SMABFA NominationsBest Bad MovieThe Huntsman: Winter’s WarLondon Has FallenGods of EgyptMechanic: ResurrectionNine LivesZoolander 2The BoyIndependence Day: ResurgenceWorst Bad MovieMother’s DayAlice Through the Looking GlassWarcraftNow You See Me 2Batman v Superman: Dawn of JusticeSuicide SquadX-Men: ApocalypseGhostbustersAllegiantBest Bad ActorGerard Butler -  Gods of EgyptKevin Spacey – Nine LivesGerard Butler - London has FallenJason Statham – Mechanic: ResurrectionBrent Spiner – Independence Day: ResurgenceBill Pullman - Independence Day: ResurgenceChris Hemsworth -  Huntsman: Winter’s WarChristopher Walken – Nine LivesWorst Bad ActorJared Leto - Suicide SquadTye Sheridan – Xmen: ApocalypseBill Murray – GhostbustersDaniel Radcliffe – Now You See Me 2Jeff Goldblum – Independence Day: ResurgenceJohn Depp – Alice through the Looking GlassJesse Eisenberg – Batman V SupermanBest Bad ActressEmily Blunt - Huntsman: Winter’s WarCharlize Theron - Huntsman: Winter’s WarJessica Alba – Mechanic: ResurrectionGal Gadot: Batman V SupermanMargot Robbie - Suicide SquadKristen Wig - Zoolander 2Maika Monroe – 5th WaveVivica A. Fox – ID4; 2Penelope Cruz – Zoolander 2Anne Hathaway – Alice through the Looking GlassAubrey Plaza – Dirty GrandpaWorst Bad ActressJessica Alba – Mechanic: ResurrectionKate McKinnon – GhostbustersJennifer Aniston – Mother’s DayLizzy Caplan – Now You See Me 2Kate Hudson – Mother’s DayPenelope Cruz – Zoolander 2Cara Delevingne - Suicide SquadAnne Hathaway – Alice through the Looking GlassMia Wasikowska - Alice through the Looking GlassJennifer Garner – Nine LivesMST3K Riffibility Nine LivesBen-HurMechanic: ResurrectionIndependence Day: ResurgenceBatman V SupermanDirty GrandpaThe 5th WaveGods of EgyptHuntsman – Winter’s WarAbout Gymkata - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Kurt Thomas is the stuff of legend, gymnastically speaking. He was the first American man to win gold on the floor exercise at a world championship level. His prowess was such that he has two skills named after him, the Thomas Flair and the Thomas Salto. The Thomas Salto is described not only as difficult but dangerous. He was unable to win Olympic gold though being heavily favored due to the boycott of the 1980 Olympics by the US and the majority of the country’s political allies. Why you ask did we and many others boycott the 1980 Olympics, because it was in Moscow, and those commie bastards were totally harshing our mellow. Carter would officially boycott the games in protest that the USSR or any country for that matter would have the audacity to intervene in Afghanistan. We did something else besides just boycott the Olympics, the history books will remember a little thing called Rambo 3, The only thing you need to topple the soviet power in Afghanistan is a guy who hasn’t heard of a bath or haircut.

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Blood Freak

Blood Freak
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This episode of the podcast centers around the classic Thanksgiving film from 1972, Blood Freak. Its that old tale of a man who smokes a little pot, eats an entire turkey and those goes on a tryptophan fueled and murderous rampage by becoming a freaking turkey. Yep. That's it.

Blood Freak is freaking insane and one of the worst movies ever made. The production values are incredibly poor with poor lighting, out of focus shots, terrible set design and horrible acting. It's right in line with films like Eegah!, Monster A Go-Go, The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies, or anything starring Tor Johnson. How this managed to get past the MST3K crew is a mystery deeper than where the hell is Amelia Earhardt.

As its sooooo bad, it's super super super fun. Its so riffable as it is terribly paced and stuffed with ridiculous scenarios and dialogue. At one point, the main turkey's fresh girlfriend and apparent fiance finds that her love is now a turkey head guy but decides to have sex with him anyways. Add in the entire films premise and you've got a must see on your hands.

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Purple Rain

Purple Rain
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Last weekend, millions of Prince fans watched the 1984 music film, Purple Rain, in honor of his Royal Highness, the Purple One. The 3 hosts of Stinker Madness joined in and celebrated the incredible talent and brilliance of Prince Rogers Nelson. The world won't be the same without him.

Purple Rain is not a musical, let's just get that out of the way. The songs take place within the world as part of concert performances, NOT the characters singing the narrative of the film. As such, this film becomes one of those hard ones to classify that may end up being in the same genre as Ray, Walk the Line, That Thing You Do and even Metallica's Through the Never, which barely contains any narrative at all. While Purple Rain is one of the finest examples of this genre there is, we will not be judging it against those particular types of movies, but movies as a whole. 

There's some problems with Purple Rain. The story is conflicting with itself for one. The Kid (Prince) and his band Revolution as supposed to be causing the owner of the nightclub grief, because Kid only plays songs that he likes and isn't pulling in much of a crowd. The problem there is that you can't say such a thing and then start the film with a phenomenal performance of "Let's Go Crazy" that would make the entire town of Minneapolis go ape-shit over. Any manager/bar owner would have seen that and said, "You know what, these guys are headlining this place for as long as I can keep them; which probably won't be for long." There's no conflict with the band that makes any sense; they are clearly the most incredible thing this place will ever see from the start.

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Prelude to Purple Rain

Prelude to Purple Rain
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Yesterday, the Artist Foreverly Known as Prince left us here on Earth with our dicks in our hands saying, "Well that's it. If Prince can die then there is no hope of me living forever." And now, as tears subside, we celebrate the musical genius by honoring his work in 1984's Purple Rain. Wow, what an honor.

Trigger Alert! Trigger Alert!

We start the episode with an intro that some Western religious folk may find offensive. If you offend easily to the impression of God and Heaven then you may want to skip this one. What? It's not like we drew a picture of Moha- (the writer of Stinker Madness has been sacked).

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Gone with the Pope

Gone with the Pope
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Duke Mitchell gives us his best Godfather impression and along the way offends all of mankind, sails the Atlantic without problem, nabs the most powerful man on the planet with a pistol, and then finds God? It's one of the most bonkers films ever made and shouldn't be missed.

This film is one of those rare "masterpieces" that come once every few hundred years. When films like Gone with the Pope are released, the stars and planets must all be in line and druids must sacrifice a virgin on top of some rocks. This is incredibly unique. It's two movies mashed into one with one of the least charismatic actors fronting the entire show all while not having a clue on how to make a movie. It's a vanity piece on par with The Room with a screenplay that is written on napkins and roll up hundreds primarily used for snorting coke. What Duke Mitchell put together in 1975 is a trainwreck of catastrophic proportions.

But then you take the incredible work that Bob Murawski did with restoring and recutting the film and the incredible soundtrack by Jeff Mitchell (Director Duke Mitchell's son) and you've got this travesty of a film packaged in a box that rivals the production qualities of Heat and Good Fellas. It's insane. Imagine if Troll 2 was reproduced by Steven Spielberg. 

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Prelude to Gone with the Pope

Prelude to Gone with the Pope
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It's time for one of the craziest films ever to be made (sorta). In 1976, Duke Mitchell shot most of the film and then the footage disappeared..until now! We think it's about some mafia guys who kidnap The Pope, yes that Pope. You don't want to miss this one. 

Streaming Do's and Don'tsEraser - NetflixSmokey and the Bandit - StarzLeprechaun 3 - StarzGood Neighbor, Bad NeighborYor, The Hunter from the FutureBodhi - Point Break (1991)Johnny Rico - Starship TroopersAbout Gone with the Pope - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Bob Murawski, who is known for editing the majority of Sam Raimi’s work, and Sage Stallone, who is known for coming out of Sylvester Stallone’s testicles, together founded Grindhouse Releasing. Grindhouse has been called the Criterion of cult films. The story goes that in 1995 Stallone and Murawski found the work print of gone with the pope in Jeff Mitchell’s garage, Jeff being the son of director Duke Mitchell. It would then take 15 years to restore the film. In 2010 the film was finished and given a very limited release. The numbers say that this was released to DVD in 2014 while Mitchell’s other film, Massacre Mafia Style, was released to home video on 2015. This seems to not jive as I watched a copy of Massacre Mafia Style in 2014, possibly even 2013. In more contrast to the listed release dates, the word on the street was that the release of Massacre Mafia Style and subsequent DVD sales funded the Blu-ray mastering of Gone With the Pope. Though he did see the completion of the film, Stallone would die tragically of a heart attack in 2012 several years before it’s wider home release.

Mitchell, the King of Palm Springs, started his entertainment career club singing for $65 a week. Sammy Petrillo, at that time, was also making about that for comedy. They teamed up and did a Martin & Lewis thing for a few years. At the height of their popularity they were in the budget film Bella Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla. Shortly thereafter Jerry Lewis would have them blackballed. Duke continued his career as an entertainer and would eventually become responsible for the highly successful Palm Springs Ranch Club “Sunday Brunches” where he would bring in such exotic guests such as Cary Grant, Frank Sinatra and Lucille Ball. Mitchell’s film making strategy was as loose as those brunches probably got. Reportedly the closest thing to a script the film had was a pile that consisted of notebooks, loose papers, and ideas written on envelopes and cocktail napkins. He would put anyone in the film provided that he gave them money. He shot the whole thing on weekends and fired his sound guy so he wouldn’t have to pay him. There was reportedly $35k spent on the unfinished project.  Massacre Mafia Style was finished at a cost of $50k.

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A Star is Born

A Star is Born
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Is this the hardest to watch film of all time? The answer is yes. This movie sucks, isn't about anything, and it's 2 and a half hours of the worst person to ever live. We cut this things to ribbons and you'll like what we have to say.

Essentially, the entire movie is about Barbara Streisand's ego. From the very first time you see her, she is hamming it up the entire time and placating to the camera. She's like a teenage girl with a webcam and a hair brush pretending to be a microphone. Its horrendously hard to watch. 

Kris Kristopherson portrays the worst "rock star" in music history. He can't complete a song on stage without walking off, pissing off the audience or really even having more than one song. No one would go to this guy's concert, no matter how awesome his songs might be in theory. He can't complete a song. 

The whole film is completely unbelievable (two rock stars can build architectural masterpiece in the span of a week?), the dialogue is atrocious (I made beef and biscuits for breakfast) and we can't find anything romantic about it anywhere (they take a weird bath with Schiltz beer can candle-holders, he cheats on her with someone even less attractive than Streisand and she appears to use him just to launch her career). This is a big fan don't watch movie. 

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Stinker Madness
Whoops! Good catch. Although as old as Josh Brolin is looking these days, I wouldn't have been surprised....
Monday, 12 October 2015 17:40
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Flash Gordon

Flash Gordon
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Let the war for Planet Mongo begin! Its the QB of the New York Jets vs. Max Van Sydow's evil eyebrows, endless robots (are they robots?) and people that bleed oil. This is one bad movie...that rules.

Sam J. Jones from Playgirl and The Dating Game fame takes on the complex and emotionally challenging role of Flash Gordon, a guy who gains super fighting skills when holding things somewhat shaped like footballs. When the evil guy from Planet Mongo makes the weather of the world gets pretty messed up and natural disasters happen such as "Volcano, Volcano Eruption and Hot Hail", Flash Gordon must fall asleep on space rocket, fall in love by holding hands, and then wander around a few planet/moons/asteroids until he can unite the tribes of Mongo in order to stop Emperor Ming.

This film is really really really bad. It's fun, I'll disclaim, but it truly is a giant train wreck. It's made on the scale of a Cecil B. DeMille movie but looks about as good as a Roger Corman film. It's ridiculous. The set pieces are giant, the costumes are lavish and the visual effects are outlandish. But each piece is super super super dumb.

The story is truly stupid. Ming's motivations are pretty vague. We guess he wants to destroy the world because the citizens of Earth knows who he is. So Flash falls asleep on a rocket that ends up on Ming's homeworld. Ming doesn't like him because he's handsome or maybe it's because he's incredibly stupid and a bit of a dick. Flash must unite some planets of guys that don't make sense to take down Ming and his empire that doesn't make sense.

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Prelude to Flash Gordon

Prelude to Flash Gordon












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Presented by The 1980 Hawkman Rocket Cycle. Never fly blind through victory again!

Jackie gets us ready for one of the most popular bad movies of all time as Sam J Jones hits us in the face with his metaphorical football. Get pumped for Freddie Mercury (God rest his soul) and the rest of Queen, Max Von Sydow, Timothy Dalton, and sweeeeeettt costumes! Flash! AAAAWWWWW.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsMovie NameSummaryIMDBNetflixAmazonJustinJackieSamTotalAfter Midnight

Horror anthology about a college professor (Zada) teaching a course called "The Psychology of Fear". He brings his students (including psychic McWhirter) to his home, one dark and stormy night to tell scary stories. The first involves a young couple whose car breaks down by an old, abandoned house. The second has four trendy teenage girls getting lost in a bad part of town, and chased by a pack of vicious dogs. Last, we have Helgenberger confronting a stalker at the answering service where she works the night shift.

Normally, we like anthology movies as they are usually silly and don't take themselves too seriously. This is not one of those types. Sam and Justin did not enjoy it in the least. Jackie loses her mind and likes this film.

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Never Too Young to Die

Never Too Young to Die
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What happens if you turn a gymnast into an action hero, a trashy whore into super spy, James Bond into a Ben-Gay ad, and Gene Simmons into a lady-boy? Why you get this DTV gem of a movie, duh! Uncle Jesse saves the world from dirty water and Gene Simmons gives us a "too believable" performance. YEEEEAHH!

So John Stamos plays Lance Stargrove, a gymnastic champ who's father is a top secret agent (played by George Lazenby). When Lance's father dies preventing a group of hooligans from doing something unknown, Stargrove must take over the family business and stop Velvet Von Ragner (Gene Simmons), a transgender sociopath with dreams of world domination (we guess). Stargrove is helped out by Danja (Vanity) and his tech buddy Cliff (Peter Kwong).

Some bad movies have a great beginning and a great ending but the middle is dry and dull. This is often due to lack of a budget or lack of imagination in the writing. Never Too Young to Die is not one of those films. This thing comes in hot and never cools down with scene after scene of shenanigans that you look for in a classic stinker. From the unforgettable theme song (entitled Stargrove, naturally) to the climatic and preposterous battle on top of a dam between Stargrove and Von Ragner, this one is solid gold.

Stamos and Simmons deliver incredibly memorable performances and attempt to duke it out on who is the most ridiculous. Stamos being an action hero is tremendously silly with his gymnastics, smooth hair and his Warner Bros cartoon style of love-making. Yet, Simmons takes the cake. His performance is almost too good and makes us have some serious questions about Gene in the 80s. 

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Prelude to Never Too Young to Die

Prelude to Never Too Young to Die












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Presented by Vanity Off. For when you really just need Vanity to go back to Prince.

This episode John Stamos' hair gets the spot light (and the mousse) as we get ready for a gem of a turd in Never Too Young to Die with Stamos, Vanity (again), and George Lazenby and Gene Simmons (calling Dr. Love?). Sam brings us this direct-to-video movie that Jackie nor Justin has ever heard of.

We start out talking about Vanity and what she's done other than Action Jackson and Never Too Young to Die.  Apparently, she's in 52 Pickup which Sam calls "the most underrated movie, ever" However, Vanity doesn't really participate much in 52 Pickup so that doesn't really count. 2/3 Stinker Madness hosts think she's gross but Sam is all about Vanity's charm and looks.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsMovie NameSummaryIMDBNetflixAmazonJustinJackieSamTotalBeneath The Planet of the Apes

The sole survivor of an interplanetary rescue mission searches for the only survivor of the previous expedition. He discovers a planet ruled by apes and an underground city run by telepathic humans.

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Freejack

Freejack
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We take a look into the future where Mick Jagger gets to be an action star, no one ages, and that fava-beans and chianti guy gets paid his day rate. Emilio Estevez stars as Alex Furlong, a race car driver that gets exploded into the future so that he can get "bone-jacked" for a rich man's immortality....we think. The future doesn't make a whole lot of sense to us humble 2014 people.

Emilio and Jagger are really quite bad actors in this film. They both are terrible but in completely opposite ways. Jagger is thoroughly wooden and puts little to no effort into his role. While Estevez does his best Jim Carrey and overacts each scene. He's like that desperate person at the end of the bar at midnight that tries way too hard to be your friend. This duo play enemies so the opposing acting makes up for some fun unintentional comedic chemistry.

There's some pretty weird things in the future as well. Everybody shoots at each other yet cities seem to be fairly pleasant aside from the flying bullets. Time and space do not have properties in people's dwellings as most apartments in the film have secret rooms and doors that can't physically exist in the building space, at least in the world that we understand. Toss in Alex and Julie Redlund's (played by Rene Russo) relationship with their literal on-screen butt kissing and quite unrealistic dialogue, you've got a story world that involves a lot of head scratching for the viewer.

All in all, Freejack is a movie that makes little sense, with the majority of the story being cut from the book as unimportant. Well for bad movie lovers this is a good thing because there's very little wasted time on things like plot or character development. Just action, crazy dialogue, vague villainy, a physically impossible world, and a cinematic sequence of events that all lead up to one heck of a good time.

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