Listen on Google Play Music

EasyBlog

This is some blog description about this site

Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time

beastmaster-2
4-star
5-star
4-star
4-star
3-star
0-star
3-star
4-star
3-star
7-star
Listen to the Stinker Madness Episode

Become a Patron!

Watch the Whole Movie!

"Let's take the barbarian guy out of his world of fantasy and put him in our world of taxes and endless advertising," said a man in a tie once or twice. Unfortunately, for said tie guy, no fan of film has ever said, "Yes I want that." Yet this travesty of the genre still attempted to woo audiences by sending the Beastmaster into Los Angeles so we can watch what happens when he wants to get pizza. Hooray!

While the premise of this film is one that typically infuriates fans (see Masters of the Universe and Jason Takes Manhattan), Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time pleases from end to end. It has some sort of charm that doesn't make sense. The jokes are total crap. The acting is painful. There's no boobs. Yet somehow it all adds up to shenanigans that simple entertain lovers o' the stupid.

The true highlight is Wings Hauser's Arklon, who is arguably the lowest IQ villain in cinema history. His plan is seriously to blow up his world. He has already conquered the world, yet he thinks blowing it up will give him more power. There isn't some mystical element that blowing the world up turns him into a god or anything. He just wants a neutron bomb to blow the whole damn thing up, including himself. Ok, let's put that aside. In order to accomplish his goal of suicide and world-ending destruction, he decides to enlist the unwilling support of LA Girl, Jackie (Kari Wuhrer) who knows nothing of nuclear weapons but knows a lot about 90's fashion. Standing right next to Arklon is the witch Lyranna (Sarah Douglas) who has a great rack, wants to bang him, rule the world at his side, has superpowers, knows where the bomb is, has the means to get there and continually helps him without getting a single utterance of "thank you". Arklon's moronic antics culminate when he falls into a lake of fire and shouts his victory at Dar - and then burns up to death. Yup, you sure won buddy.

Continue reading
0 Comments

The Beastmaster

The Beastmaster
4-star
5-star
3-star
4-star
4-star
3-star
4-star
3-star
9-star
Listen to the Stinker Madness Episode


Watch the WHOLE DAMN MOVIE

Let the ferrets fly and the tigers die as Jeff and Tucker from If We Made It podcast show up to help us try to make sense of The Beastmaster. Does PETA show up to put a stop to the madness? Does Tanya Roberts save the movie by letting the ladies out? Does anyone get 'sploded? (Spoiler alerts - no, yes, yes - respectively)

This movie is completely nuts. Its a complete knockoff of Conan, but so wild in every way, it stands on its own. Beastmaster has some pretty vague powers, villians have pretty vague motivations and relationships, minions wear helmets that don't allow them to see anything, bat-people may or may not make soup, and people disappear randomly for much of the movie. It's great.

How this film didn't get shut down with animal cruelty is a pretty big mystery. Most people know that the tiger that was painted black to become a panther died, but the incredible feat is how many ferrets must have been murdered. They fly across the screen all the time; they had to have hired a guy just to toss ferrets. Another falls to his death, another drowns, god knows how many were eaten by the eagle. 

Really this film has all the things you want in a bad sword and sandal film. In fact, it may be more fun than Deathstalker. Its just one scene after another that can be stand alone discussions in ridiculousness. From the start with the butter-face witches to the Dar's training to Tanya Roberts incredible knockers, to child sacrifice rescue dummy to the biggest explosion ever caught on film. Whatever "it" is, this film has "it." Fantastic bad movie.

Continue reading
0 Comments

Prelude to Beastmaster

Prelude to Beastmaster












Listen to the Stinker Madness Episode


Watch the WHOLE DAMN MOVIE!

Sponsored by Critter Commander! Build an army of animals to do your bidding to do things like your laundry and wash your car.

This 0.5 episode contains the usual nonsense we have but we really amp it up in honor of Marc Singer's manliness. Jackie really loves this movie and it turns out that her entire youth was geared around it.

We start out talking about how The Beastmaster was just a modest theatrical success but really came alive on VHS and achieved cult status. Justin recounts that he double-featured this with Deathstalker and Sam only remembers that a guy gets his nuts bit off by a ferret. Jackie tells us that this movie is like Tom Jones; adult/elderly women eat it up. It's like the 50 Shades of Grey of cheesy movies. At least until 50 Shades of Grey comes out in the theaters.

Netflix Do's and Don'tsMovie NameSummaryIMDBNetflixAmazonJustinJackieSamTotalMaximum Conviction

When former black ops operative Cross (Seagal) and his partner Manning (Austin) are assigned to decommission an old prison, they must oversee the arrival of two mysterious female prisoners. Before long, an elite force of mercenaries assault the prison in search of the new arrivals. As the true identities of the women are revealed, Cross realizes he's caught in the middle of something far bigger than he had imagined.

Continue reading
0 Comments

Just Subscribe Already!

Stinker Madness Podcast LogoIts obvious you like Stinker Madness, so subscribe to the podcast and get new episodes of Stinker Madness every week - on your phone, your tablet, your computer, however you like to listen! Once you’ve subscribed, free episodes will automatically download on Fridays and Mondays. Don't know what the hell a podcast is or what it means to subscribe? Enter the present: Click here.

  • I Don't Know How to Get a Podcast
  • Subscribe via iTunes
  • Subscribe on Android
  • RSS Feed
  • Listen on Stitcher
  • This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

itunessubscribe stitcherSubscribeOnAndroid