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Pet Sematary

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"Don't do down that path, yah", the strange drunk man with dubious ambitions said to the new residents. Later he would take them on a wondrous adventure to bury a kitty-cat that he himself murdered. It was the strangest thing that week until the dead son came back as Little Lord Fauntleroy with super-powers.

Pet Sematary is just another in a long line of Stephen King movies that raked in the cash but not one theater attendee bothered to pay attention to what was happening on screen. The entire plot is bananas (and falls squarely into "the idiot plot") but that's the least biggest draw for fans of our show. It's all the elements around the plot, ie. the truckers who are clearly trying to break speed records, the undead cat that is just like any other cat, Gage acquiring super-powers upon being reanimated and that the family never asks "Who the hell is this Judd Crandall guy anyways?"

It's a beautiful disaster and truly pushes the boundaries of bad movie laugh-ability with horrific tragedy. I mean, think about it. You are laughing at a child getting ran over - the worst possible thing that could ever happen. Yet the movie is so bad and the production is so crap that you are laughing.... during the worst thing ever. That is one hell of an achievement in bad film-making. Hell even Tommy Wiseau didn't do that.

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Friday the 13th: A New Beginning

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We wrap up our Spooktober with a staple from a staple franchise and one of the strangest big box office horror films ever made. This is just a strange film starring "Jason" with lots of head choppins, boobs and a cast of some pretty unusual characters.

So Jason V is one weird film and frankly astounds that it ever frightened anyone...even children. It's seriously gentle in its horror, the plot is not frightening, Jason is not intimidating, and the gore is pretty mild. The MPAA really didn't help out this film at all as it's seriously cut down.

None of it lines up, of course, with any one who cares about continuity or character motivations. The killer doesn't know how revenge works. The hero doesn't know how idolatry works. The film-makers don't know how enchiladas work. It's stunny how little anything works.

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Sleepwalkers

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Cat people. It's a movie about cat people. Written by horror master, Stephen King, it's arguably the most comedic horror film ever made. You thought Dreamcatcher was rife with errors...buckle in, folks.

Sleepwalkers is absolutely bananas. We'll just say right now that this is a must-do film for fans of crummy movies. It's a laugh riot. For instance, let's just put it out there that the chief action star of this film is a house cat, named Clovis. Clovis rivals Chuck Norris, Schwaz, Stallone and Van Damme in the pantheon of 90s action stars. I'm not joking.

So the film is basically about these cat people-- Ancient Egyptian people that have no origin but all of the superpowers (teleportation, telekinesis, invisibility, shape-shifting, invulnerability, immortality) and one of the most dumb weakness of all, allergic to cats. They are cat-people (half-people, half-cat) and their one weakness is cats?!?! Right. So if you've got a plague of cat-people in your town, if you don't have a Clovis, supercop, you're screwed I guess.

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Saw

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It was one of the biggest horror movies of the 2000s and created an entire style of film-making on the cheap for such studios as The Asylum and Blumhouse. So that should mean its good, right? Wrong. Saw stinks on ice. Happy 300th episode to us, I guess.

Where to begin with the problems of the film? Well lets actually start with a compliment. It only cost $1.2 million. Could they have used the money more wisely to make a better film and still raked in the cash? Absolutely. 

First there is Cary Elwes, who astounds at his lack of nomination in the Razzie awards. Rest assured, when we get our time machine built and right the wrongs of crappy movie award history, Mr. Wesley will be getting a big ol' SMABFA for either best or worst bad actor. He stinks. Then you've got Danny Glover working in mostly ADR in his usual befuddled whisper talk. It's a shame the two didn't get more screen time together because wow...So the acting is atrocious.

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ThanksKilling

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While we're too late for Thanksgiving, it's never too late for a movie about an ancient Native American curse that manifests itself in the form of a very dirty mouthed killer turkey. When you have 0 money and you accomplish what was done here gives us a tip of our hats but a wag of the finger too.

ThanksKilling deserves to be congratulated. It's a better film in all standpoints than the majority of films that cost 0 dollars to make and better than even a majority of films by The Asylum or any crummy gimmick movie showing daily on SyFy. The effects aren't bad, many jokes delivers (some do NOT), the pacing is never dull, and the bad acting is pretty fun. It deserves some merits.

With that it mind, it's a little much. The vulgarity of the turkey tends to get a little old, well after the first line really. The jokes can run a little many with the majority of them falling flat. That's not to say this isn't a funny movie. It's just there's about 60 times more jokes than your common film. It's wall to wall. So if they only have 6 or 7 really good jokes (which is pretty decent) that means there's a thousand that aren't funny. 

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Blood Freak

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This episode of the podcast centers around the classic Thanksgiving film from 1972, Blood Freak. Its that old tale of a man who smokes a little pot, eats an entire turkey and those goes on a tryptophan fueled and murderous rampage by becoming a freaking turkey. Yep. That's it.

Blood Freak is freaking insane and one of the worst movies ever made. The production values are incredibly poor with poor lighting, out of focus shots, terrible set design and horrible acting. It's right in line with films like Eegah!, Monster A Go-Go, The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies, or anything starring Tor Johnson. How this managed to get past the MST3K crew is a mystery deeper than where the hell is Amelia Earhardt.

As its sooooo bad, it's super super super fun. Its so riffable as it is terribly paced and stuffed with ridiculous scenarios and dialogue. At one point, the main turkey's fresh girlfriend and apparent fiance finds that her love is now a turkey head guy but decides to have sex with him anyways. Add in the entire films premise and you've got a must see on your hands.

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Prelude to Blood Freak

Prelude to Blood Freak
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In early preparation for Thanksgiving, Jackie gets a headstart with pulling the trigger on a turkey of a movie from 1972, 3 weeks early. But that's OK because it's a spooky tale about a motorcycle guy who smokes some pot and gets turned into a murderous turkey. Just like your family.

Special Segment - Films we've seen the most in a given period of time

Jackie - Care Bears Movie, The Beastmaster, Love ActuallyJustin - Condorman, Batman, Fight ClubSam - Rambo II, Encino Man, The A-Team, Children of MenThe Wild Card - Who Would Win in a Knife FightA Thanksgiving Turkey vs The Easter BunnyAbout Blood Freak - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Gobble gobble, it’s turkey time. Not the kind of turkey that J-Lo has in her pants. Did J-Lo ad lib that? Does that mean that in her pants she has a full turkey ensemble; a snood, wattle and major caruncle? Perhaps it is just the character “Ricki/Rochelle” who has mean roast beef curtains, because otherwise what the hell is she talking about? See (or hear rather) our Gigli episode for more.

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Troll 2

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Troll 2 has been widely hailed as one of the best bad movies ever made what with its documentary called "Best Worst Movie" and also topping the IMDB Bottom 100. Sometimes though a film can be overpraised in its horrendousness. Will Troll 2 stand up to the critical analysis that has debunked such films as Gigli and Mommie Dearest?

The short answer? No. No this movie is one of the worst ever made.

The long answer is that Troll 2 is undoubtedly an incredible film. Each time you watch this film, you catch something new in its delirium. Its a wonderful treat upon each viewing. Its so crammed with crumminess that when you stop laughing maniacally you find just another terrible thing to laugh at in the next second. You can't stop laughing and it's brilliant. This movie is why we do what we do.

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Justin
Jackie and I have seen it, Sam has not who is the primary remarker that you mention. However, remember that documentaries statemen... Read More
Friday, 15 July 2016 21:33
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Prelude to Troll 2

Prelude to Troll 2
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Finally, we hit one of the most notorious bad movies of all time. At one point, Troll 2 was the #1 lowest rated movie on IMDB.com until people realized it's freaking awesome. Praised by many and loved by tons, it's a treasure of a film and we can't wait to dive into it.

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A favorite cinematic guilty pleasure https://t.co/4JwTXRhIS5

— Don Carpenter (@BrakDBarbarian) June 27, 2016

The young one was playing Zombie Catchers, and he just earned this guy:@StinkerMadness pic.twitter.com/bk7cpUFbLs

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976-EVIL 2

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Jim Wynorski makes his Stinker Madness debut with 1991's tale of a spooky phone hotline that gives you the confidence to mow on Bridgette Neilsen's box and gain super-powers so that you can stock a lady with a tall butt.

We're pretty confused on what this movie is about. Our best theory is that the dean of a community college has an obsession with his ex-office assistant. He's nuts and thinks that a 1-900 horoscope number will give him the powers to stalk her properly. So he somehow meets up with the proprietor of a spooky stuff supply store who if you give her cunnilingus you will be given the powers of Doctor Strange. Meanwhile, a guy who only has leather motorcycle gear to wear and who does not shower ever, thinks that the 1-900 number is somehow involved but they are just a red herring and are just a "phone company" with a really lame business model and a fairly bored CEO.

So none of the story makes any sense, which is no problem for us. We love how Jim doesn't bother with any of that and just crams silly stuff in to mask the lack of a plot. There's several sequences in this film that are a laugh riot, particularly the scene where Motorcycle Greg fights possessed assault rifles and flying frozen pizzas, a car chase sequence with a ninja driver, and possibly the best exploding dummy ever caught on film. Hilarious!

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Prelude to 976-EVIL 2

Prelude to 976-EVIL 2
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Jim Wynorski makes his very first and long overdue appearance on the show with 1991's 976-Evil 2, a film so important that they wouldn't even bring Robert Englund to direct it. Will Jim continue his fine tradition and increase his presence in the Stinker Hall of Fame? Spoiler alert - totally.

We'd like to say thank you to our fans that recently wrote in by sharing some thoughts from them on the show. If you'd like to join us in the bad movie discussion, like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter or write to us to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..

RE: Punisher: War Zone Episode

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Dreamcatcher

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Four buddies with superpowers given to them by an alien that may or may not be mentally handicapped, have to team up to stop poop monsters from making people get icky tummies. Really, that's the movie. Wow....

In our first 2 parter ever, we break down 2003's Dreamcatcher. This movie is insanity. There is just about everything you want in a bad movie in this one. It is a scosh too long but this one's got it all with the combination of the stupid plot, the bad acting, the cheesy movie monster (it comes out butts), the dubiousness of Morgan Freeman and Tom Sizemore's characters, and Dudditts. Wow, Duddits. We love you, Duddits.

The primary mistake this movie makes is poop. Really really. The film is meant to be frightening. The elements in concept are horrific. Being killed by something that is too big to be inside you coming out of your butt is possibly one of the worst ways to go. The Spanish Inquisition had nicer ways of killing people. Josef Mengele would have loved to have a bunch of shit weasels at his disposal. However, this is not scary in Dreamcatcher, it's hilarious. By the time the "horror" starts in this film, you've been giggling about farts and poop for ten minutes. So it's pretty tough to be scared.

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Prelude to Dreamcatcher

Prelude to Dreamcatcher
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Duddits is the man of the week as we go back to one of the most surprisingly bad (we mean bad) blockbusters of all time. It's 2003's Stephen King based Dreamcatcher starring every single actor ever!

I gotta admit, whomever cut that trailer did an epic job of polishing a turd. It really looks like a good movie. Way to mask all the poop monster stuff!

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

Well we didn't watch any streaming movies. Stupid Xmas planning. 

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Prelude to Spookies

Prelude to Spookies
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57 Channels and Monsters On is how we kick off this episode. No Springsteen didn't make it.

Its almost time kids. Just one more day until Halloween. So get a warm cup of pumpkin cider and curl up with a ridiculous podcast and an even more ridiculous movie. It's 1986's Spookies. Apparently it stars a bevvy of kooky monsters attacking a band of idiots. 

Be sure to come back on Oct. 31st as we are releasing our full episode on Saturday instead of Monday.

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Queen of the Damned

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Lestat, a vampire, falls in love. That's it. The end. Podcast over. Really that's all that happens in this film. It is truly one of the most uneventful things ever viewed by man. It's a complete snooze fest.

It may seem like important things are going on. But really it is just guys and girls moving incredibly slow (so they look sexy, I guess) and overacting. Or perhaps they are compensating for the huge teeth crammed into the actor's mugs. Speaking of actors...

Aaliyah - She may have dead before this thing was released. That's a bummer. Many tears. That does NOT make her immune to having won an award for terrible acting. She was awful. Most notably her snake dance and her incoherent vamp talk. She's pretty hard to understand but when you did it doesn't matter. 

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Prelude to Queen of the Damned

Prelude to Queen of the Damned
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It's week 2 of our 3 episode Halloween trio of horribleness. This week Aaliyah stars in a sexy vampire movie called Queen of the Damned from 2002. While it avoided the Razzies completely this film was still quite pandered by critics but in the years since has gained a pretty heavy cult following. Is it because its filled with annoying glitter vampires or is there some merits to the shenanigans?

Streaming Do's and Don'tsPrivate School - HBO NowBurial Ground: The Nights of Terror - YoutubeDark Was the Night - NetflixMotel Hell - Amazon & EPIXGood Neighbor, Bad NeighborCasper, the Friendly Ghost - CasperSlimer - GhostbustersThe Wolfman - The WolfmanAbout Queen of the Damned - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

The film is a loose adaptation of the second and third books of Anne Rice’s The Vampire Chronicles, taking its name from the third novel. Anne Rice is known as a writer of high class, a chief example would be her novel; The Taking of Sleeping Beauty, where sleeping beauty is woken not by a kiss but by a dude humping her comatose body. Which, to get sidetracked, if you haven’t seen Almodivar’s Talk to Her, you should check that out. In 2005, she started a new series entitled: Christ the Lord, it chronicles the early life of Jesus. I just can’t imagine. There is a chance that it is just a gussied up fill in the blanks, there is a larger chance that Jesus walks into the desert and finds so many other young men. She might just turn the desert into a metaphor for an activity that is hot and dry…

Michael Rymer directed this film. His debut film Angel Baby won every award it was put in front of. He seemed to struggle a bit with getting attached to quality projects. Eventually he will be enlisted to direct a pilot miniseries for the sci-fi channel. When I watched the countless hours of extra features in Battlestar Galactica it was evident that Rymer was as key a component as Ronald D. Moore and David Eick. He brought the cinematic element to the show. He would direct key episodes throughout the series run including the premiers and finales.

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Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Halloween III: Season of the Witch
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Tom Atkins stars as a mustache-ride-given hacker doctor detective with the help of a young woman who may or may not be an android to take down a Irish/Californian novelty gift manufacturer who wants to use the powers of Stonehenge to transform millions of children into bugs and snakes. Don't come for Michael Meyers, stay for the endless sea of questions.

The movie is completely silly. The plot of ridiculous and with each moment the viewer is just presented more and more questions. It's like the entire run of Lost or the heads of the Hydra. When you answer one question, five more questions sprout up. Each character's motivations are pretty confusing not to mention who the hell they are. Why is Tom Atkins the detective? Why is he alcoholic? Is the girl a robot the entire time? If so, why does she lead Tom Atkins directly to the Silver Shamrock Corp? Does Silver Shamrock murder children or do they just become bugs and snakes? If its murder, then is it murder by teleporting bugs and snakes into their brains? Just writing these questions make me think of more. We could spend 900 pages in just questions.

Characters come and go without serving much purposes aside from groudy effects. Time and space have no properties (night only last about 2 hours in diagetic time, Santa Mira requires a long drive in a car to reach but is just a short jog if on foot). Dialog seems all too convenient for purposes of laughing at:

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Prelude to Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Prelude to Halloween III: Season of the Witch
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Brought to you by Silver Shamrock, inventors of such gags as Sticky Toilet Paper and Super Tiny Undies. Get the gags going this Halloween with Silver Shamrock.

It's that time again, kids. Time to enjoy the sweet smells of fall, the colors of the leaves as they fall to the ground, Mom's pumpkin pie and being transformed into bugs and snakes through the powers of Stonehenge. Halloween III: Season of the Witch (yes the one that doesn't have Michael Myers) stops in on Stinker Madness to kick off our three episode series on our favorite spooky films. Be sure to wear your masks!

Be sure to listen after the credits to maybe the longest outtake section we have ever made with Star Wars theories and a new song from Jackie.

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I Know Who Killed Me

I Know Who Killed Me
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LL stars in her Razzie winning opus/masterpiece of terrible cinema, twice! It's the story of a mixed up teen and her mixed up teen doppelganger who suffer from "non-religious stigmata" and death by not finishing piano training. It may be the least frightening horror movie ever made!

Lindsey Lohan wows us in the film. She may not have been aware she was in movie for about half of the film. She appears to be either on ludes or vodka quite frequently. You can see her tune out of being there when not giving lines and sorta just stares at the wall. Her "stripping" is awful in that she doesn't actually strip. Oh she dances then? No she doesn't do that either. She just sorta makes a poopy face and slithers around the pole. Wow. I've never stripper danced before but I'm pretty sure I could have done a better job.

Her "killer" is portrayed as a serial killer with a desire to "punish" his victims by hacking off limbs while leaving them alive, then tossing them off the side of the road when he runs out of limbs. Here's the thing: there's only 1 murder victim in this movie. 1 victim does NOT make a serial killer, nor does it bring in the FBI. Idiots. 

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Prelude to Bad Taste

Prelude to Bad Taste
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Brought to you by Crumb's Country Delights - Try the Finger Ladies for only $1.00.

It's Halloweeny time and for that we bring in a special guest horror movie expert, Jackie's mom Janet. We discuss the upcoming movie which is Peter Jackson's masterpiece, Bad Taste. We also talk about our three SCARIEST movies of all time. Plus where the hell did Sam go? Did a spooky ghost get him?!?! Did he get turned into intergalactic fast food and is now on the menu of Crumb's Country Delights?!?!

Spoilers(Sam's probably just trapped on the toilet or something)

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