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Slender Man

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A faceless board-room guy (probably the one that fired James Gunn) is also a tree-man, octopus, tarantula with very dubious motivations, but likely he's actually the ghost of Chalton Heston, arboriculturist.

Slender Man the movie was doomed before it came out the gate. There is no way to pay this much fan service to the original creepy-pasta while trying to make a sensical story. Once you put Slender Man into an environment that must have some sort of back-story and character motivations and that old bummer, the Protagonist/Antagonist diatribe you've got no choice but to make your new horror icon look about as clever as the bird in the desk of The Wicker Man.

The lighting is atrocious, the acting is middling, the writing is gadawful, and even the cat-stings are failed. It's like if someone hired the Asylum to helm their franchise hopeful. Yet beyond all that, there is some truly hilarious parts. There's a handful of lines that are so horrendously out-of-reality and out of place that you can be "that one guy" in the theater. Mash that up with two of the most hilarious "horror editing" (think The Ring) decisions and you have a great bad-movie.....almost.

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Rampage

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Dwayne is back into being the charming, super-ripped, former Special Forces, who has more ability to punch a monster in the face than follow social norms. This time he's playing the role of 15th guy from the 4th level of the original video game. Plus 3 monsters destroy Chicago and Don Jr. makes his acting debut.

Thanks to the incredibly bad decisions of corporate scientist CEOs (whatever that is), we are treated to three genetically mutated former critters that eventually get to big and start smashing crap. You can imagine what that's like. So let's talk about everything else.

Dwayne is fantastic in his putting on a show. Ok, he's not exactly going to win any awards (probably ever) but he has pretty solid chemistry with something that doesn't exist. He's charming us while acting next to a not existent giant monster. Pretty solid stuff there.Monster design works. This walks that fine line between too much and too little creature design and showcasing them. They look great.Jake Lacy - wow. Absolutely steals the show away from Dwayne. His frat-boy, daddy paid my professors, CEO (see recent President's sons) performance is legit theater LOL worthy. He kills it.Too much exposition. Sadly the first half isn't a page turner. There's a sprinkle of good stuff here and there but to try to make some semblance of believability they thought they could cram in far too much backstory here and way to much science talk over here. None of it matters! We came to see monsters fighting The Rock. Just do that!

However, for the most part, this film gets 90% of its popcorn-eating film genre work done well. Unfortunately, the draggy-ness of the exposition keeps it from being a fully enjoyable experience. With that all said, it's still clearly the best-made video game movie in history - which isn't really saying much.

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I think we were about as far off as we possibly could be. Ours was more like "Great Kicks For Old Chuck Percy Snow". This informat... Read More
Wednesday, 11 July 2018 15:55
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Geostorm

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It's a film that really can't figure out what it is trying to accomplish, other than showing some weather-related destruction and Gerard Butler talking out the side of his mouth. It's arguably the most anticipated stinker of 2017, does it hold up?

*Spoiler Alert - There are no Geo Storms in this film or geostorms*

As you can guess, science goes completely out the window in this one. The very first we see is that a weather controlling space net launches missiles into a storm above New York. Missiles. So the destruction of NYC by missiles is worse than the storm. Nice work. Follow that with space station hallways that are made of doors that only lead to space, frozen people who don't thaw out in the sun, wasting an entire shuttle launch to send 1 guy into space, the list goes on and on.

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Fate of the Furious

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Dom and the gang are back to wow theater audiences with "Over the Top: The Franchise" and doesn't disappoint in the bonkers business department. Everything is more, more, MORE!!!

Let's put it this way. One member of the show risked peeing her pants because she couldn't miss a second of this film. One member jumped out of his seat and just said, "Fuck....." I was personally jumping up and down in my seat with glee. There's no excuse for the low reviews of this film...except for the main reason for the low reviews of this film....it's really stupid. The entire plot is so dumb, Dom is ridiculous, the action is insanely ridiculous.

But here's the deal. ALL these films are that way. ALL of them. Yet you review them like their frickin' Grapes of Wrath! You loved 6 and 7, yet you have no love for this one, which is JUST the goddamn same! It's more of the same and that's what we wanted. You can't hate on this one without hating on all the others because your beefs apply to all of them. Quite being assholes! (I'm looking at you Matt Singer)

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The Great Wall

The Great Wall
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Matt Damon and Oberyn Martell find themselves in the middle of the Battle for Helm's Deep with an Elven army posing as Chinese on one side and an horde of Orcs posing as aliens on the other. Yep...aliens. Our front runner for dumbest film ever made.

The plot of The Great Wall is easily the most poorly thought out plot since....well ever. Its dumber than Reign of Fire. It's dumber than Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. It's dumber than After Earth AND Lady in the Water AND The Happening combined. It can't be understated how dumb this film's plot is. The only way you can argue the logistics of this "war" between the Chinese and space dog-lizards is that both sides are complete morons.

The entire thing goes that these space monsters flew across the expanse of space atop an asteroid that crashed into Earth. So their nasty and want to eat people...sorta. Well the Chinese aren't down with getting turned into poop so they built a 5,500 mile wall to keep these little bastards out. Out of what is yet to be determined.

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Independence Day: Resurgence

Independence Day: Resurgence
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ID4:2 comes to a Bad Movie Field Trip on the show this week. Will it be stupid fun enough to get into that elusive Best Bad Movie category for the 2016 SMABFAs? Can it at least be better than that damn Jupiter Ascending?

Well the critics aren't happy. They call it bloated, lazy, and tedious. Well we have good things to say and bad things to say but these words do not come into the fray at all. 

ID4:2 has some real strengths for what it is trying to accomplish, but most notably it has one of the crappiest movie studios (FOX) sticking their damn fingers into a director's vision. The worst parts of this film are the extra action sequences that have NOTHING to do with the story most particularly the moon sequence with Liam Hemsworth's character introduction. This scene is the first bit of "action" and it stinks. It's completely not "Emerrichian" and is obviously put in there to entice the audience into a sense of excitement early on and to show that Liam's guy is kick ass. However, it falls completely short of accomplishing that with the following point - when you leave the theater ask yourself, "What was any character's name in that movie?" The silence you will hear is indicative of how little anyone gives a crap about the characters. You go to these things to see "Welcome to Earth!" (punch) stupidity and aliens getting outwitted by man. Instead you are started with an action sequence that is not exciting nor worth bothering with. It also cost $10 million dollars..for one sequence that is the worst part of the film. Spend the money elsewhere! Or don't! Save the cash so you can profit and we can get another movie. Idiots...

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Gods of Egypt

Gods of Egypt
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2016's Gods of Egypt has not done so well at the box office nor with the critics, so its time for the SM team to take another bad movie field trip. Can the power of Gerard Butler and Jamie Lannister facing off against each other prove to be awesome?

This movie has been lambasted pretty hard by critics and the wiseness that is the Internet. So many people had mad-ons because there were 0 Egyptian actors in the film and its again just a bunch of white guys pretending to be ethnic, ie. Dracula Untold. Well I have a question....who gives a rats ass! If this film was chock full of Egypt's hottest stars (that aren't joining/getting murdered by Daesh) would it be a good movie? Nope. So eat shit, the Internet.

This movie is a triumph is stupidity. This is truly a bad Hollywood movie. That's the last I'm going to say about how bad this movie is.

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