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Tango & Cash

Tango & Cash
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Two cops find love in each other's egos, while attempting to clear their names from a villainous plot to take over the world's salted caramel industry. Stallone and Russell team up for one of the raddest buddy cop dumb-dumb rollercoaster. It's shenanigans.

Tango & Cash is incredibly stupid. There is absolutely no sense of reality here. The villain uses mice, that he loves,  to demonstrate his evilry. He owns monster trucks that have guns mounted on them. Hidden assassin's inside of mirrors (we think) & gun-shoes. Physics don't apply. Time and distance are more of guidelines...

Then there's the leads...wow do they love each other. Let me be clear, if this had been made today, they very well could have been the first openly gay supercops in a major motion picture. They really love each other on the inside and feel passionately about each other's genitals. I'm not making this up. Longing gazes at junk are quite frequent.

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Prelude to Tango & Cash

Prelude to Tango & Cash
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This week on the Stinker Madness Podcast, we tackle the classic "buddy" cop film from 1989 with Stallone and Russell in a weird incestuous love triangle, framed for murder, take down the vague bad guy, and enjoy some off-roading. It's Tango & Cash!

Streaming Do's and Don'tsMiracles Still Happen - YouTubeManiac Cop - Shudder.TV & FandorManhattan Chase - Amazon PrimePhenomena - Amazon PrimeThe Wild Card - The Great Superpower DebateBeing a Vulcan - 2.5/10 stars (Not good)About Tango & Cash - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Who is the man that gets into all of the Hollywood hang down competitions? Kurt Russell, that’s who. This week he will be comparing his star penis, I mean power, to that of one Sylvester Stallone. Apparently the two got along just fine as there was probably no illusions as to Stallone being the big boss on the picture. The caveats of Stallone pictures of the time are all there, firing the DP before shooting, starting to re-write the script after shooting starts, having more than one person rewrite the script without communicating with one another. Firing the director after the project has gone over budget by almost double. I guess Kurt saw that things were well in hand and didn’t bother making any more interference, Stallone would later praise him for being a real pro, despite Russell being the fall back option to Patrick Swayze who ditched the production for Road House. By the time the dust would settle on the set, there would be 4 directors including Stallone, 5 if you count Stuart Baird who is known for directing pictures in post-production and is Hollywood’s most rebound editing doctor, and there would be enough deleted scenes to make another movie. What remains is comedy gold. The largest feud during production was between Stallone who wanted it to be a very dark and brooding crime film and producer John Peters who wanted it to be a campy spoof of the popular buddy cop sub-genre. When you then bring in Baird to stir that pot together independently, you only get two things; Tango & Cash.

The cast list is almost as big as the repair bill on this thing. Terri Hatcher, Bryon James, Jack Palance, Geoffrey Lewis, James Hong, Robert Z’Dar, Michael Jeter, Clint Howard and many more, oh my!

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The Dead Pool

The Dead Pool
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Dirty Harry finally becomes the worst cop in the history of cops when he decides asking questions or arresting people is boring; it's just better to shoot everyone in the face. Sprinkle in some karate, self-deprecating jokes, an unnecessary love interest, old-man grumble dialogue, a car/rc car/car chase, dubious action, and a plot that leaves the audience thinking it was invented by monkeys and you've got the recipe for a franchise killer. Goodbye, Dirty Harry.

The primary problem with The Dead Pool is the incapable hands behind the camera. The script is incredibly dumb, with a "surprise" twist that is blatantly obvious from the first scene in the movie. You're then stuck with a setup for the twist that you're already clued into for the next hour. You know that all the character actions are irrelevant to the actual story and it makes it painful to deal with. So you've got an audience bored with the movie, why not put in another plot as a vehicle for action? Seriously, when your main story doesn't have any call for action, don't add a subplot that is just there so that your protagonist can shoot people in the face. Terrible writing. 

Next there's the horrible directing. The movie starts with some horrible stock shots of San Fran with post-production slow motion. Slo-mo is bad enough but slowing down stock shots? What? Team that up with some of the worst crappy cop music that sounds like euro-pop and you've got a pretty bad start for the audience. 

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