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Condorman

Condorman
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Disney bungles a live-action version of a cartoon with the least believable action star that has ever delved into the spy/superhero game. But add one of the raddest car chases, laser turret boats, rocket powered zip lines, and the worst costume you've ever seen and you've got one of the best early 80's turds to ever grace the screen. Wahoo!

The movie follows Woody who is the graphic artist behind the Condorman comic book frachise. Woody foolishly stumbles into a Soviet defection mission for the CIA and must employ the skills of his creation to help the beautiful and mysterious Natalia escape from the villainous Krakov and his right hand man, Morovitch and his team of skilled killers. You can use that if you'd like IMDB.

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License to Drive

License to Drive
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The Corey's team up to help Haim get his drivers license and bang a girl. Along the way, they go on a slew of crimes mostly involving reckless endangerment but also sexual assault and child pornography in a showcase of how horrible the 80's were. Not even Heather Graham and Carol Kane can save this.

This film is a pukefest of 80's trends, stupidity, and selfishness. It's a perfect capsule of something that is horrible. So yes, it captures the essence of the decade but the decade sucks and so does this film. Sorry lovers of Aquanet. 

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Driven

Driven
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Stallone writes a screenplay that is about three things he has no working knowledge of; 1) Racing, 2) Relationships, 3) Story. It is quite possibly the worst screenplay ever written. Manos: The Hands of Fate has a lot more story than 2001's Driven. If anyone can tell us what the story is, please let us know.

Why this movie was made is vexing. What the inspiration was for Stallone to write this film is a mystery for the ages. He clearly has little to no interest in auto racing because he never shows any knowledge of how it works or even simple common sense regarding it. He appears to know that cars can go fast and that people sometimes try to see how fast they can go around a track but that's about it. Burt Reynold's character owns a race team but continually tries to sabotage his driver because he's just not good enough despite the fact that he's Number 1 in the world. Kip Pardue's character can't handle posing for photos and giving press conferences despite the fact that he's a rolling advertisement for his sponsors. The only thing that Stallone's character appears to do in the film is make people happy. Wow.

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Prelude to Driven

Prelude to Driven
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Brought to you by "Top Pits" starring Tom Cruises and Valerie Kilmer.

In 2002, Stallone gave us an 8 time Razzie nominated movie that he took the time to write. Remember! This is the guy that wrote the screenplay to Rocky for which he won an Oscar....the same guy. Yeah....right. It's sort of a movie about race car driving, it's sort of about race car drivers and then its sort of about absolutely nothing.

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Midnight Ride

Midnight Ride
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Mark Hamill kidnaps a lady so that he can have his doctor zap her brains but first he must give slip to the husband, one Michael Dudikoff. It's a thriller/action/slasher movie where Hamill shows he's nuts, Dudikoff gives us his "whoa-face", we learn who Tommy Wiseau's mother is and Robert Mitchum is on set for about 2 hours!

This movie is pretty ridiculous. It never stops moving with absurdity. From Dudikoff getting strapped to the hood of a car in an elaborate death method to the explosion of a family in a station wagon to endless fog to the bad "Xtreme Sports" music choice. It's bat shit. 

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Corvette Summer

Corvette Summer
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Its the story of a virgin teaming up with a very loose woman on the hunt of an ugly car. It stars Mark Hamill and Annie Potts and its called Corvette Summer. Its possibly the greatest love story told in a bad movie and is one step away from actually being a good movie. But an ugly car, poor production values, and plot holes keep it from getting there.

So Mark Hamill plays a recent high school grad, named Kenny who is a mechanical wizard, but a socially awkward virgin. Kenny has rebuilt a Corvette Stingray as part of his high school shop class. The car gets stolen on its first day out and Kenny is heart-broken. He gets a tip that the car is in Vegas so Kenny goes in search of it. Along the way, he meets a "hooker in training" named Vanessa (Annie Potts) who helps him out by letting him live in her van and search for the car.

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Prelude to Corvette Summer

Prelude to Corvette Summer
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Presented by Corellian Corvette Summer, the story of a moisture farmer and a Twilek with a heart of gold that gets his CR90 Corvette stolen. If only he'd made it to Tashi Station...

Justin delivers his favorite romantic bad movie with Mark Hamill and Annie Potts and the buttest Corvette ever. Its Corvette Summer from 1978. It's the story of a socially awkward virgin on the hunt of a stolen ugly car, along the way falling for a hooker in training. 

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The Wraith

The Wraith
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Charlie Sheen, Sherilyn Fenn, Randy Quaid and Nick Cassavetes do battle with making sense as The Wraith and vengeance storm Arizona.

This movie is sweet. It's a real brainbuster as to why this isn't a more widely known film. If you were born as a male from 1975-1985 and you had seen this film at about the age of 11, it would have easily been your favorite film. Its got everything you could want: sweet cars, racing, cool guys, explosions, boobs, and a sprinkling of some magic baloney. We can only figure that because there's 4 sets of boobs in it that most parents wouldn't let their children see it. Well guess what, now we're all adults and this movie should be a big deal. If you haven't seen this, stop what you're doing and go watch it. It's for you.

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Prelude to The Wraith

Prelude to The Wraith
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Presented by Barret Jaxson and the Dodge M4S. Charlie Sheen makes a special appearance to tell us all about it.

Its finally time to review the most awesome concept car movie of all time, 1986's The Wraith. This film stars Charlie Sheen, Sherilyn Fenn, Randy Quaid, Clint Howard, Nick Cassavettes and the Dodge M4S. Sweeeeeeet! Vengeance always demands a K-Car. Thanks Lee Iaccoca!

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The Fast and the Furious (1955)

The Fast and the Furious (1955)
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In one of Roger Corman's first films, one guy gets framed for manslaughter (as best as we can guess) and must steal a Jag and a lady to escape to Mexico. He somehow ends up getting sidetracked by entering into an auto race and by falling in love with said stolen lady. Zowie!

Well, this movie stinks. It's not worth your time at all. Its painfully boring all while trying to be super sophisticated and smart. It's neither of those things. The plot is not very flushed out and the series of events that happen to put the main guy (Frank Webster) on the path to the end are dubious at best. There's far too many things that just don't make any sense and kind of need to, even going by bad movie fan standards.

The characters are annoying and attempt to banter their way through their predicament, which somehow just ends up contradicting the previous thing they just said each time they open their mouths. The conflict is quite bland as they plainly could just drive to Mexico because no cops are going to ever arrest them. Here's a pretty typical example of intrigue:

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Prelude to The Fast and the Furious (1955)

Prelude to The Fast and the Furious (1955)
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Brought to you by Fast and Furious 74, in the future the Fast crew cast is completely replaced by robots, except Kurt Russell.

This week we travel back in time to 1955 to watch the Roger Corman classic, The Fast and the Furious. What's the tie-in to the current franchise? It appears to be a film about a car guy so maybe they are related?

Stinker Dos and Don'ts

  • Blood of Beasts
  • The Chaperone
  • Dangerous Curves
  • Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan

Pop Quiz Hot Shot

What is a:

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Need for Speed

Need for Speed
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Jesse Pinkman and a band of nobody's get in all sorts of trouble with some fast cars...to end up with not much of anything but debt. Expect some crazy flying cars, helicopters everywhere, a complete lack for the public's safety and the never ending question; will Aaron Paul call someone bitch?

It's the first time a video game movie graces our show and it's a hell of a ride, so go out, get the movie and a Redbox or whatever and then listen to this podcast to relive all the sheer stupidity or fun we find.

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Prelude to Need for Speed

Prelude to Need for Speed
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Presented by Fireball Run, starring Burt Reynolds, Dom Deluise, Farrah Fawcett and Deckard Cain from Diablo.

We strap ourselves into our five-point safety harnesses and don our crash helmets as we prepare to view the video game adaptation of Need for Speed with Aaron Paul. We drum up some mild streaming recommendations, complain about new releases, and more movie trivia. Varoom.

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The Man from Hong Kong

The Man from Hong Kong
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Bad movie authority Roman finally joins us in the studio as we view and yammer about the Ausploitation awesomeness that is The Man From Hong Kong. Are there any stuntmen or actors alive in Australia after this seriously dangerous movie?!?!

This movie features some of the craziest stunts we've ever seen and it's a wonder anyone made it out of it. There is a car chase scene that is completely epic, hang glider accidents, Spider-Man building climbing, ninja fights, burning men and so much more. Plus, Jigsaw rocks!

Seriously worth watching since it's free on YouTube!

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Deathrace 2000

Deathrace 2000
Watch the WHOLE movie!

VROOOM and SPLOOSH take center stage as David Carradine makes mince-meat out of pedestrians and Sly Stallone shows us the meaning behind "Mr. The Turbo".  This one is ground-zero stinker!

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Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:4-star
Cheesy effects:2-star
Horrendous acting:4-star
Laugh-out-loud-ability:4-star
Ridiculous stunts:3-star
Gratuitous nudity:4-star
Memorable one-liners:4-star

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality: 4-star
Bad Movie Quality:8-star

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