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Road House

Road House
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Dalton gets brought into make a bar even less fun, get paid way too much, prevent alcohol from being served and then rip everyone's throats out. It's the bad movie classic Road House, 5 time Razzie nominee starring Patrick Swayze and Sam Elliot.

This is one of the most viewed and loved bad movies of all time and there's a reason it's so popular. It's ridiculous. It's one hell of a good time. The action is over the top, the dialogue is hilarious, the acting is a atrocious and the plot of completely stupid. It's fantastic. There's so many problems with the story but I'll try to name just a couple:

Ben Gazara plays a villain (Brad Wesley) who seems to have built a nice town as head of the Chamber of Commerce, but suddenly gains a real interest in being a bad guy once Dalton comes to town and decides to blow up the entire town. Huh?Dalton gets paid a $5000 hiring bonus and then $500/night. Which means if Dalton works at the Double Deuce for just 1 month, he'll make $17,500 dollars. Dalton may be a millionaire. That's a TON of money in 1988 and I'm pretty sure that the Double Deuce didn't make that much money in a fiscal quarter.Where are the friggin cops? Its implied that they are paid off but there is really only so much a dirty cop can hide. There's eyeballs every night on the floor of the bar and probably a corpse or two a month.Where are the women in the film thinking they are going? They are all dressed like they are going to a club in Miami or LA, but instead they are just going to a shit hole with eyeballs on the floor every night.Wayde (Sam Elliot) plays the "best" bouncer in the world (cause that's a thing) yet Wayde works at a run down strip club. If he's the best he should be head of security at a casino in Vegas or Atlantic City. He is definitely not the best bouncer in the world.No one seems to have a clue how insurance works. Wesley blows up an auto parts store and then runs a car dealership over with Bigfoot and then splodes a guy's house so they decide to kill him. No! Just call your insurance company, get a check and then move.

Road House is an epic in "tough guy" business. Every character is super tough (but not as tough as Dalton, of course) and all of the women are damsels that have one motivation in life; get your boobs out. If you get offended by some pretty one dimensional female characters you might want to avoid this one. But if you can get past how offensive this film is, you're in for a great ride. It is one of those rare films that never takes its foot off the gas pedal. It's a really dumb gas pedal but that thing is pegged for 90 minutes. Great great great time!

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Prelude to Road House

Prelude to Road House
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Presented by The Antiques Road House. Dalton stops by to help analyze some precious valuables.

This episode we get a preview of the 1988 classic stinker, Road House, starring Patrick Swayze, Sam Elliot and Ben Gazarra. It's a whole hodown at the Double Deuce bar. How many bottles will we smash over each other's heads?

Streaming Do's and Don'tsCongo - NetflixDeep in the Darkness - NetflixDonner Pass - NetflixLeprechaun 2 - NetflixGood Neighbor, Bad NeighborOda Mae Brown - GhostBaby Houseman - Dirty DancingAbout Road House - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

It isn’t that odd that Road House would be the Stinker Madness introduction to Patrick Swayze. It is odd that it has taken this long for the late Mr. Swayze to grace our program with his presence. A considerable amount of time as he has starred in the following future episodes:

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Johnny Mnemonic

Johnny Mnemonic
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It's a cyberpunk trip through the Internet with Keanu Reeves as he portrays Johnny Mnemonic, a hard-drive installed brain courier guy who has to deliver the cure for Chronic Internetitis Addiction to a group of resistance fighters trying to free our minds from evil corporate influence.....or something?

Wow, 1995 really had no clue how the Internet worked. Yes, this is one of those "lets go into the Internet....with our minds" movies. They didn't get it right. I, however, don't want to spend too much time on how wrong they got with the Internet. I will say that it is the worst onscreen representation of the Internet in film.

Keanu is quite bad, if not at his worst, which many may think that isn't a stretch for him but its hard to say that his work in John Wick was not impressive (even if he only had 10 lines). But Johnny Mnemonic stands right beside Johnny Utah in an actor forgetting that they are in a film. Dina Meyer does her best impression of Dina Meyer. She sets out to portray an actress who stinks. Dolph Lundgren, Henry Rollins, Udo Kier, and Ice T all do just fine and make room for the two main characters to stink it up without helping.

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Prelude to Johnny Mnemonic

Prelude to Johnny Mnemonic
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Brought to you by Johnny Pneumatic. Keanu Reeves and Rosmand Pike gets trapped in an annoying steampunk world and gets his armed replaced with a drill (just go with it).

Its time for us to finally see what the Internet looks like from the inside with 1995's Johnny Mnemonic, starring Keanu Reeves and Dina Meyer, with fun appearances of Dolph Lundgren, Henry Rollins, Udo Kier and Ice-T doesn't screw it up!

Streaming Do's and Don'tsThe Lost Boys - NetflixThe Howling V: The Rebirth - Netflix (no longer availabe, bummer)Cyborg - NetflixGood Neighbor, Bad NeighborMr. Anderson (Not "The One", but Neo before he takes the red pill) - The MatrixTed "Theodore" Logan - Bill & Ted's Excellent AdventureOfficer Jack Travor - SpeedAbout Johnny Mnemonic - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

I have chosen Jonny Mnemonic for 2 very specific reasons:

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Stone Cold

Stone Cold
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Brian Bosworth stars this week as Joe Huff/John Stone/All Awesome in Stone Cold with William Forsythe and Lance Henriksen. Its the tale of one tough cop that goes undercover to accomplish absolutely nothing in preventing a biker gang destroying the entire government of Mississippi. Mullets, earrings, giant lizards, exploding choppers, and a ridiculously high body count makes up for one fun ride.

The very funny Ryan Fortier from the "Writing Through Vet School" blog joins us this week to help us make sense of this movie. Ryan is the author of "Paranoia" (available for $2.99) and one of the funniest bad movie reviewers. You can follow Ryan at https://quietthinker1.wordpress.com/ and read his bad movie reviews at https://quietthinker1.wordpress.com/category/bad-movies-2/.

The plot of this film is quite dubious. Essentially, there is a biker gang that is causing a ruckus. One of them gets put on trial for shooting a priest for some reason. So we guess they are going to try to spring him from jail. The FBI hires a suspended tough guy cop named Joe Huff to go under-cover, as John Stone, in the gang to keep tabs on them. Along the way, they do some stuff and then Joe completely fails to stop them from killing everyone. We really have no idea what the story of this film is supposed to be. On screen, all you can really tell is that a guy acts tough and then all of Mississippi dies. It also seems that no one really has much of a plan to accomplish their unknown goals. The biker gang has no end game. Stone's plan just seems to be hang around the gang and do assorted tasks for them. And when someone comes up with a plan to do something they completely fail every single time. Even simple tasks like "earn profits" or "stay alive" cannot be executed.

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Prelude to Stone Cold

Prelude to Stone Cold
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We open this one with a production meeting for the sequel to Stone Cold. Brian Bosworth discusses ideas.

Take one Brian "The Boz" Bosworth, put him in the role of one tough cop and let him do his own hair and costumes and you've got 1991's Stone Cold directed by stinker staple Craig R. Baxley. It's one of Justin's favorite bad movies so get jacked!

Streaming Do's and Don'tsKung Fury - YoutubeNomads - NetflixNight Watch - NetflixPlatoon Leader - NetflixGood Neighbor, Bad NeighborAce VenturaRockyJames BondAbout Stone Cold - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Directed by Craig R. Baxley, who started as a stunt performer but rose to the position of Director. He is notable for such Stinker Madness Episodes as Action Jackson.  Other films include, most likely future episode; I Come in Peace. Baxley hit the TV scene pretty hard as a director as well, credits include; Silencing Mary and Twisted Desire, both staring Melissa Joan Hart. Because what Clarrisa realy knows best is how to get sexyish after her show gets cancelled.

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American Kickboxer 2

American Kickboxer 2
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American Kickboxer 2 is a one of a kind achievement in horrendously bad acting, awful dialogue, poorly performed stunts, and incredibly stupid plot. It really is a perfect storm in bad action movies. With this combined tour de crap, it becomes a laugh a second tornado of awesomeness. This is too rad to ignore.

Essentially, a rich family's child is kidnapped and the mother has to recruit two tough guys from her past to rescue her. Sounds simple right? Well lets try this again. The owner of a successful plumbing company has a slightly mentally handicapped child who gets kidnapped by action guys. She contacts her tough guy ex-husband and her tough guy ex-lover and explains to both of them that they have an 8 year old child and that she's been kidnapped. The two tough guys then proceed to fight each other more than bad guys until a hooker tells them that a warehouse that stores guys who don't actually work there and just have upstairs "Fight Club" also contains the kidnapped child. At that point they end up having to fight each other to the death, when a pothead frees here by using cockroaches. Movie ends with an implied three-way. Wow.

As I mentioned the acting is awful.......ly awesome. Evan Lurie and Dale Cook are ridiculously bad. Dale shouts all of his lines but is unintelligible because he has to have a toothpick in his mouth at all times (including fight scenes). Evan Lurie, in the true spirit of the film, does the exact opposite and mumbles ever line because "he's so peaceful". Tackleberry is completely unbelievable as a fat Vince Vaughn/business executive/action guy and Kathy Shower does her best concerned mom routine (who is surprisingly better at it than Erika Eleniak).

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Prelude to American Kickboxer 2

Prelude to American Kickboxer 2
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Presented by We're No Cupcakes, Cupcakes. Two tough guys are forced to take over a bakery and not kill each other or the customers.

Sam brings in a dozy this week, when two tough guys have to team up and do assorted martial arts to free a young girl from a kidnapping ring. American Kickboxer 2 stars Dale Cook, Evan Lurie, Kathy Showers and Tackleberry. Our main question for this film will be: Is there any actual kickboxing in it?

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

Unfortunately we have no movies this week but we do think you should check this out. It's a new free movie streaming service, much like Crackle and with a solid lineup of good bad movies. It's called Tubitv and here are some highlights:

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Megaforce

Megaforce
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We complete Carl's Inaction in Action trilogy with one of the most ridiculous movies ever made. The leaders of the world have confirmed the existence of Megaforce. They are then hired by a crusty old man to blow up his helicopter.

We all feel that Megaforce is absolutely necessary if you love bad movies. Sam has it in his Hall of Fame. It's required viewing. If you haven't seen this please take 99 minutes and watch this on YouTube. Its a great time and the laughs never stop coming.

One of the greatest debates of all time is what does Megaforce actually do? What do they accomplish? What is this movie about? What happens? There are as many theories to the answers of these questions as there are about the meaning of life.

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The Delta Force

The Delta Force
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Part 2 of Carl's Inaction in Action series, we look at Chuck Norris and Lee Marvin in the Cannon Group's The Delta Force. It's part best hijacking movie ever and then part iconic Chuck Norris ridiculous action. Sometimes you in suspense and then other times your slapping your head in how preposterous it is.

There's two movies here. One is a slow-paced, well directed, solidly acted hostage crisis movie. The other is 100 guys invading a country and blowing everyone up. The first 100 minutes have 0 shots fired. It isn't even until 114 minutes that The Delta Force starts firing bullets back. But once they start shooting they don't stop until there's about 3 minutes left in the film.

So again I have to review this based on the two different movies. The first movie is very frightening. You really feel fear for the characters and there's some very heavy and serious thematic elements brought up. This all may be even more relevant today than it was in 1986 (when the film was released). There's anti-Semitic conflicts and Holocaust connections. There's general terror as we all know how awful a plane hijacking is.

But at the same time, the two main terrorists (one of which is maybe Robert Forster's best performance which is saying something) flip-flop back and forth about how evil they are. Sometimes you almost expect them to be revealed as misunderstood freedom fighters but then they just get downright villainous. Very strange.

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Prelude to The Delta Force

Prelude to The Delta Force
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Brought to you by The Delta Force 4: Phoentigeddon

It's time to pack up the dune buggies and the motorcycles with rocket launchers and prepare for part 2 of "Karl's Inaction in Action" trilogy started by Hell Squad and finishing with Megaforce.

This time it's Chuck Norris & Lee Marvin (his last film) vs The Middle East as Cannon Films makes their 4th appearance on Stinker Madness. Golan himself directed this nugget. Which Chuck Norris will we get? Bearded, Mulleted, or Clean Cut?

Streaming Do's and Don'tsThe Town that Dreaded Sundown (2014)Full Moon HighRobocop 2Robocop 3

Jackie's Rant - assorted trivia questions

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Hell Squad

Hell Squad
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Take 1 kidnapped diplomat's son, a country that only has bad guys in it, one guy how is a bit of a dick, 9 strippers, shake and stir and you've got Hell Squad. We aren't really sure what this movie is (other than ridiculous), is it a comedy or action movie?

The story is that there is some new special WMD that can blow up organic material but not anything else. This is determined by finding a newspaper that is not burnt but evidence of a horse getting sploded after a test of the weapon, however since newspaper is made of paper which is made of trees which as far as I know are actually living and organic, should mean the newspaper would also burn. This is foreshadowing of the idiocy of the rest of the story. The rest of the story, is that terrorists have this weapon already but need a schematic for part of a rocket to launch it. It seems like they've already built the hard part though. So they kidnap a diplomat's son and ransom him for this schematic (which no country would negotiate this deal, sorry bud. You're dead). Well the answer to this problem is to take 9 Las Vegas showgirls, train them for 10 days, then send this into Karajan (bad guy country) and let them find the kid and bring him back.

The story is so dumb that I can only figure that its supposed to be a joke, but its presented in such a manner that makes it seem like its a solid premise for an action movie. However, jokes abound that may or may not be funny in the film. One lady can't use a rifle because he boobs are too big, there's a water shortage in Karajan so the girls all have to use the bath tub at once (and everyday) and spoiler alert - there's a Scooby-Doo ending.

With that all said, Hell Squad is a really good time and a very underrated bad movie. It's inept film-making at its best with a completely ridiculous story and presentation. You can watch it twice in a row because of how much laughing at it you'll do the first time around. We recommend it greatly.

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Prelude to Hell Squad

Prelude to Hell Squad
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Brought to you by Z-Nationwide Insurance, making sure your dead loved ones.....stay dead.

It's Sam's week to pick a movie and he's got Hell Squad on deck. Looks like a bunch of strippers become mercenaries and save the world or something. We've also got a special guest coming for the full episode and he says this is one of his favorite bad movies so hopes are high we can hit another home run with finding a great bad movie.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsBrotherhood of Death - Netflix6 Bullets - NetflixBetrayal - NetflixJackie's Rant

Why aren't there more dongs in movies?

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Deadly Prey

Deadly Prey
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Here's the deal...this movie rules. Period. It has instantly gone into our Hall of Fame because it does everything right in both good storytelling and horrendously terrible film-making. It is as good to watch as any "good" movie and is only topped by the very creme of the crap in bad movies. There may only be a handful of movies better to view than Deadly Prey and we couldn't argue with anyone if they put it at the top of their list. It's that good.

Let me put it this way. If you were talking films with a person that you'd just met, say at work or at class and they casually said, "So have you ever seen a movie called Deadly Prey?" there is potential that you might become best friends.

Ted Prior plays Danton. Or vice versa. I'm not really sure which. Danton is like a chimera, unicorn, or the Minotaur. He's a being of mythic proportion. Maybe more like Thor, Hercules, or Achilles. 2000 years ago, poets would have told tale of Danton to travelers and bards would have sung his adventures. So again, did Ted Prior play Danton or did the spirit of Danton come down from Olympus and possess good ol' Ted. Because their on-screen symbiosis is unbreakable.

I could talk about Danton all day but there was also a phenomenal movie that happened as well. This movie is bonkers. From the very first shot (when does that take place?) to the very last frame you are in. The last 5 minutes of the movie will blow your mind and when the credits roll, you'll stand up and clap. This is just bad film-making at its very best.

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Prelude to Deadly Prey

Prelude to Deadly Prey
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Brought to you by Cutoffs and Mullets. Do you love white-trash reality shows? Then you'll love the newest reality show to hit TLC!

David A. Prior brings to us his brother Ted, with one of the best hair-dos ever to make the big time. It's another possible "Hall of Fame" candidate that has a series of "10 star" user reviews on IMDB. This thing better deliver because it looks like its going to.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsDragon Lord - NetflixMeals on Wheels - YoutubeMankillers - YoutubeMaster of the Flying Guillotine - YoutubeAction USA - YoutubeWhatcho Talkin' Bout Willis?

If you are a super rich hunting afficionado, and you could hunt anything from any movie, what would it be?

About Deadly Prey - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Written & Directed by David A. Pryor. 

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Mercenaries

Mercenaries
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Watch the Movie on Netflix

Cynthia Rothrock builds a team of elite tough gals made up of Zoe Bell, Kristanna Loken, Vivica A. Fox, and Nicole Bilderback to take down a broad-shouldered Brigitte Nielsen who is hell bent on being the CEO of a bad-guy factory. With the power of plot convenience and inept villains, the team invade "The Citadel" to spring the kidnapped First Daughter and maybe some sex slaves.

So the movie achieves two things - becoming the best Asylum movie ever made and reminding us why the cast is still stuck in the C-list bracket. The acting can be quite bad, especially from Vivica A. Fox who reprises her role from Sharknado 2 as Hammered Shit. Cynthia Rothrock helps out by playing the top of the CIA, but choose the worst hair style of all time, usually found on 16 year girls from small towns in Nevada. Zoe Bell dons a poopy face through the whole thing because I guess that looks tough. However, Kristanna Loken, Nicole Bilderback and Brigitte Nielsen surprisingly do a really good job especially Nielsen who dispute going to hell in the looks department plays a very sinister and maniacal villain.

There's some pretty rad parts of the films. The fight/actions scenes are pretty wild particularly the final chase/shootout and when the free the sex-slaves and let them attempt to get their vengeance from their captors. The dialogue is pretty solid for a cheesy action movie, specifically Cynthia Rothrock's explanation of the mission and Kristanna Loken's security guard seduction tactics.

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Prelude to Mercenaries

Prelude to Mercenaries
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Presented by Nursenaries, for when you want your live-in care provider to be an ex-ass-kicking gun for hire. Kaboom, Grandpa!

This week we are turning to Netflix for the Christopher Olen Ray action lady team-up Mercenaries (Netflix Link), starring Cynthia Rothrock, Zoe Bell, Kristanna Loken, Vivica A. Fox, Bridgitte Nielsen and Nicole Bilderback. It's an Asylum film so we are a little nervous about it...

Netflix Do's and Don'tsThe EnemyHitman's RunAbsolute ZeroWhatcho Talkin' Bout, Willis?

Must haves for a movie mercenary

About Mercenaries - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Directed by Christopher Olen Ray.  Yes … Son of Olen Ray.  His films include Asteroid vs Earth, Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus, and Almighty Thor.  He is a frequent collaborator with one Richard Grieco. Born in 1978, he started his film career in 1978 by playing baby Christopher in Brain Leeches by Fred Olen Ray.  He owns a Thundercats t-shirt.  12 directorial credits and 23 various producer credits since 2008.  He doesn’t seem to post much on Facebook. Because he’s too busy fuckin workin.

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Prelude to Undefeatable

Prelude to Undefeatable
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Brought to you by Scripts R' Us - the only spot to get a movie script when you have absolutely no writing talent.

This episode, we prepare for what has been heralded as the most awesome thing ever, the Godfrey Ho YouTube sensation that is Undefeatable. From what we know there is lots of bad kung fu, some ridiculous stunts, an epic mullet, and the "best fight scene of all time", according to many movie reviewers. We have high hopes that this will be a new entry in the Bad Movie Hall of Fame.

Netflix Do's and Don'tsOculusReindeer GamesSpitfireStrandedSpecial IDAbout Undefeatable - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Directed/Produced By Godfrey Hall (born Godfrey Ho, has 9 psudonyms)

Godfrey Ho shot a bunch of stuff with Richard Harrison and then would add pieces with condensed version of another movie.  The stuff he shot with Harrison would try to make sense of the pile of movie. The were generally named Ninja ---------, Ninja the Protector, Ninja Terminator, etc. (50)

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Cobra

Cobra
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Stallone makes his 4th appearance on our show as he teams up with Golan and Globus (who make their third appearance) for the "one tough cop" showcase that is Cobra. Marion Cobretti has to protect a key witness that can identify the Nightslasher, who isn't just a raving murderer as his name would suggest; he's also the head of a criminal organization that wants to take over the world. How about that?

The movie is a pretty fun ride but really has a reputation that its terrible. It's really not and is maybe the best movie that we've seen from the Cannon Group, really. The movie has some silly one-liners and action sequences for sure, but for a Cannon film its acted adequately and only has a couple of plot holes (one being the entire premise). It's truly not that bad when compared to other silly cop vs. everyone movies from the same period. It's not even in the realm of badness as Stallone's next movie "Over the Top" (also a Golan/Globus picture).

As I said, the primary plot flaw is the premise. Who are these guys in the sewer banging axes together? They put a serial killer in charge? Is he even in charge? What are their motivations and plans? But that really adds to the fun of the film on a stinker level, so it works for us.

The movie also has some pretty wild sequences. Bridgette Nielsen models with some robots (why is this sequence in there other than to showcase "the goods?"), Stallone jumps (his own) 1950 Mercury Coupe about 30 times, The Nightslasher makes an exploding barricade out of two conveniently parked gas tanker trucks, and the New World Order take over an entire town just to capture one lady (Bridgette Nielsen).

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Prelude to Cobra

Prelude to Cobra
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Presented by Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, because one Cobra isn't enough.

Its time for us to give ol' Sly Stallone another go (for the fourth time) as he teams up with Golan and Globus for Cobra. One tough cop must teach some bad guys a lesson...or something. 

Streaming Do's and Don'tsOverkillThe BurbsKilling SeasonLegendaryJackie's Rant

Hollywood Trickery or going to a movie and you are lied to about it.

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