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Prelude to Starship Troopers

Prelude to Starship Troopers
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With this episode of the famed Stinker Madness Podcast we prepare for 1997's Starship Troopers from master of stuff, Paul Verhoeven. Despite having a solid IMDB user rating, the critics panned it. Does Johnny Rico get better with age? Can Denise Richards be more than just walking boobs? IS the only good bug a dead bug?

Streaming Do's and Don'tsThe Runner - NetflixPop Quiz, Hot Shot? - How do they do drugs in film?Sniffing cocaine - powdered lactoseHeroin cooking - sugar & baking sodaSmoking weed - Wizard Weed - weed with no THC. Same things cops use when they go undercover.Crack rocks - Rock candy OR glue and baking sodaNeedle injections - prosthetic arms, trick needles, OR for budget movies - stunt guy just frickin' does it.The Great Superpower DebateFace freezing power - 2.5/10About Starship Troopers - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

My confused relationship with this film begins in 1997 when I saw it at the theater. It was as any of my confused relationships have gone. I take a girl out to tacos and then afterwards there is that “should I ask her to ice cream even though I am not that into her” moment. I don’t ask and two years later I find out she was allergic to tacos and she just wanted to tug me off in her Camaro. That is when I realize, holy shit, I didn’t get what was going on there, I would have totally got my wiener pulled in the back of an American classic, alas that ship had sailed and the tug boat headed down the stream to tow a different load into the bay of soiled upholstery. That is about what happened with me and this movie. When it came out I thought it was okay but kind of weird, totally didn’t get it. I read the novel about 5 months after seeing the film and would, for the next five years or so, hold Starship Troopers as the gold standard for how to fuck up a novel.

Edward Neumeier wrote a script that was called Bug Hunt on Outpost Nine. After the similarities between it and the Heinlein novel were noticed it was then adjusted to be an adaptation of sorts. Verhoeven admittedly was unable to read more than a couple of chapters of the book, as it made him bored and depressed, his opinion being that it was far to right wing. Wherever Neumeier started and however close he was pushed to the novel, Verhoeven had his own plan on the movie he wanted to make. I find it odd as I think he is arguing the same points as Heinlein, just overtly and in a satirical voice, where as Heinlein told the story with such a subversive matter of fact tone that some have called the novel fascist intellectual pornography. I thought it was a real page turner.

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Point Break (1991)

Point Break (1991)
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For 25 years, people have been celebrating a film about a FBI guy spending 3/4 of the movie trying to get fired and perhaps sent to prison, while steadily falling in love with a dude brah. Since its release apparently no one has watched it because this crap stinks and not in good ways.

I'm sorry to say everyone but this movie just isn't very good NOR is it very bad. It is as middle of the road and completely unremarkable as any movie has ever existed. What? It's not very good? 

Point Break isn't good because:

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Prelude to Point Break (1991)

Prelude to Point Break (1991)
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Johnny Utah finally graces our presence in Kathryn Bigelow's second appearance on the show. Can it POSSIBLY be a good movie? Can it be a bad movie that everyone thinks is good? Or is it just the same as her Near Dark and just meh? Least Busey is in it.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsTomb Raider: The Cradle of Life - Netflix (No longer available)The Thaw - Amazon PrimeThe Brain that Wouldn't Die - (with MST3K) - YouTubeDarkman - NetflixThe Great Superpower Debate

Telekinesis limited to 8 ft range and 40 lbs. - 6.5 stars

About Point Break - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Despite winning Academy Award both for Best Picture and Best Director, Kathryn Bigelow is making her second visit to the Stinker Studios. We will of course remember her first visit, Near Dark, though we have all tried to forget, so hard we try. If she does as good as she did with Zero Dark 30 again there will be no denying her a second set of Oscars, likewise she could be back here for K-19: The Widowmaker, if one of us were so inclined.

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Prelude to Galgameth

Prelude to Galgameth
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It may be called Galgameth or it might be called The Adventures of Galgameth or it might be called The Legend of Galgameth; who's to say? Either way, it's the start of our "Monster Bud" 3 episode series. It involves a fantasy tale about a boy who gets a dragon who grows by eating metal. So we'll see how that works out.

Sorry about the awful audio quality. Our new mixer is total crap.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsTaken 3 - HBO NowMan-Thing - Hulu PlusSwamp Thing - Hulu PlusThe Demolitionist - Hulu PlusGood Neighbor, Bad Neighbor ET - ET Sloth - The GooniesThe Alien Spaceship - Flight of the NavigatorAbout Galgameth - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

The Adventures of Galgameth, also known as the Legend of Galgameth, on the DVD cover and poster it’s just Galgameth. There is actually a different name for every country it was released in, was released domestically by Trimark Home Video in 1997, though the film was made and released elsewhere in 1996.  It was shot in Romania by American director Sean McNamara. McNamara is widely known as a producer of pre-teen programming. Pre-teen is totally different from children’s programming, it doesn’t like being seen riding around in the car with its parents.  McNamara has consistently produced shows for Nickelodeon, the Disney Channel and Cartoon Network. This appears to be his second movie, though there are heavy TV credits in between his first film, Hollywood Chaos and this. Beyond the TV shows this guy does sequels. 2 Sequels to Casper, a sequel to The Cutting Edge and on for Three Ninjas. The sequels that he made which may rear there ugly heads around this place are the 3 Baby Geniuses sequels. Baby Geniuses 2: Superbabies, held the top spot on the bottom 100 for something like 2 years. You would think that after something like that the franchise would die. McNamara, who didn’t direct Superbabies, did revive the franchise with: Baby Geniuses and the Mystery of the Crown Jewels, Baby Geniuses and the Treasure of Egypt, then culminating his experience and the trilogy with Baby Geniuses and the Space Baby. It should probably be mentioned that he also directed Soul Surfer which was well received. He also placed himself in this film with second billing. 

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The Fantastic Four

The Fantastic Four
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Before the flop of 2015, before the two turds in the early 2000s, there was 1994's The Fantastic Four. It's a film that was never meant to be viewed by the eyes of man but we are super happy that we can. We are joined by special guest, bad movie blogger and friend of the show, Brad Slager (@MartiniShark) who knows and loves this movie. Check out Brad's write up on FF at http://www.lifezette.com/popzette/the-first-fantastic-dud/.

While this film was meant to end up in the trashcan and only made in order to keep the film rights to The Fantastic Four (see also 2015), there is such a level of effort that is clear when watching this movie. All the actors are giving it their all. There's a real sense that the people involved really believed in this project rather than it just being a doomed project. Its a classic example of the Internet's definition of a good-bad movie of wanting to make a good movie and ending up with a really bad one.

The film is refreshing because it is a fan boy's dream. Nothing is changed about the origin of the FF, the powers, their characterization, stories, etc. It looks cheesy, its campy and its silly. At no point is there any modernization of things to make them look good on screen. It is just a movie made for fun and not for people to talk about how interesting the origin retelling was (see modern comic adaptations). That makes it great.

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Midnight Ride

Midnight Ride
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Mark Hamill kidnaps a lady so that he can have his doctor zap her brains but first he must give slip to the husband, one Michael Dudikoff. It's a thriller/action/slasher movie where Hamill shows he's nuts, Dudikoff gives us his "whoa-face", we learn who Tommy Wiseau's mother is and Robert Mitchum is on set for about 2 hours!

This movie is pretty ridiculous. It never stops moving with absurdity. From Dudikoff getting strapped to the hood of a car in an elaborate death method to the explosion of a family in a station wagon to endless fog to the bad "Xtreme Sports" music choice. It's bat shit. 

The film has absolutely no clue what the heck it is. It's a slasher with no blood. It's an car chase movie with little car chasing. It's a thriller with non-diagetic music that fits a 90's Nerf commercial. What it is though is hot. It's fast-paced, laugh a second, splosions all over the place and never-ending ludicrousness. It's awesome.

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Prelude to Midnight Ride

Prelude to Midnight Ride
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We start this episode with a letter from Justin to Mark Hamill in the hopes he will become his best friend and replace Sam and Jackie on the podcast. We have yet to hear back.

We gear up for a fan pick from our Facebook fan:

Hello, just started listening this week, really enjoying the show. Question, have any of you seen Midnight Ride(1990)...

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Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
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When you take 70-bajillion characters with vague powers and zero characterization, toss in a very poorly cast James Remar who manages to act worse than Christopher Lambert, sprinkle with crappy, boring fight scenes with a side of the worst special effects ever, and then finish off with completely removing any bit of "Mortal Kombating" while still calling it Mortal Kombat, you've built a movie worthy of being called one of the worst movies of all time. Mortal Kombat: Annihiliation deserves to be in the IMDB Bottom 100, should have swept the Razzie awards and deserves to be mentioned alongside Birdemic and Manos: The Hands of Fate. It is a truly awful and painful film to view.

The story of the film truly isn't worth mentioning, mostly because it doesn't exist. The plot entails Shao Kahn (Bryan Thomspon) causing a "convergence" of all the realms so that he can't have power. We can't figure out what that power is or why smashing realms together causes that. So Raiden (James Remar) and team must stop Kahn and his cronies by using Katana as a key, Liu Kang defeating Kahn in a fight and Raiden becoming mortal. That's it. That's the entire plot. No other details are revealed.

The special effects...wow. They are arguably the worst special effects ever....in any movie. They are awful. They entire movie looks like crap because there is nearly as many shots with CGI as Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. The difference is that they all look terrible. So bad that you need to walk away from them. When you deliver the final product from the animator to the producer and say "This is the best we could do with the current technology and the budget you've provided," it is your job as the producer to say, "Well that didn't work," and walk away.

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Prelude to Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

Prelude to Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
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We open the episode with Sportcenter's coverage of the Mortal Kombat association vs. the Mortal Kombat Players Association legal battle over injuries in the sport.

We get ready to experience the "watchable crap" called Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, the sequel to the massively successful Mortal Kombat (1995). Is there a chance that it could possibly be not a giant turd and as much fun as the first one? Odds are not good with it's 11 Metacritic score.

In lieu of Streaming Do's and Don'ts this week, our friend @MartiniShark has gifted us the entirety of Seven (1979). We are now able to finish our total review from the debacle that was our episode that got cut short thanks to bad Internetting.

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Ed

Ed
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Ed is the masterfully crafted story of a farmer turned worlds best pitcher ever with the help of a hilarious baseball-playing chimpanzee all while discovering the magic of baseball and the magic of children. Or it could be a film about the demonstration making a movie without knowing how baseball and/or animals work with the magic of baseball and the magic of children. You decide!

Ed stinks. We know that it is a children's movie. Fine. As far as children movies go, this one is insulting to children. For children to like this film, they must be stupid. That's the message that this film delivers, "It's ok that we don't think very hard about this one; children are stupid and will like anything." Except children aren't stupid. They know things about the world including how baseball works or how observable physics work. It's insulting. It's also fairly racist.

While Ed has the type of comedy that just comes across as annoying like The Love Guru and films that rely on sped-up film and farts to employ "humor", there are quite a few moments that are unintentionally laughable. Matt LeBlanc's performance as the greatest pitcher of all time is truly funny (especially when one of his pitches goes quite awry), the dramatic "cut day" scene that involves ONLY Jim Caviezel's character getting cut, and that after 38 minutes of the film you've only seen 30 seconds of actual baseball being played.

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Prelude to Ed

Prelude to Ed
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Brought to you by TRASH. The new channel featuring animals playing sports. Order TRASH today!

Matt LeBlanc graces our TV in the 1996 mega-stinker Ed. Its about a movie of a man in a monkey suit playing baseball! Plus there's a chimpanzee who plays baseball! (Our apologies to Matt LeBlanc, that joke is just way to easy to make)

Streaming Do's and Don'tsOutcast - NetflixCan't Buy Me Love - NetflixStar Wars Episode I - The Phantom Menace - HBO NowStar Wars Episode II - Attack of the Clones - HBO NowGood Neighbor, Bad Neighbor 

Apologize to our fans, but Sam totally blew it and didn't come up with any good neighbor, bad neighbor picks. If you see him, please shame him publicly.

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Johnny Mnemonic

Johnny Mnemonic
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It's a cyberpunk trip through the Internet with Keanu Reeves as he portrays Johnny Mnemonic, a hard-drive installed brain courier guy who has to deliver the cure for Chronic Internetitis Addiction to a group of resistance fighters trying to free our minds from evil corporate influence.....or something?

Wow, 1995 really had no clue how the Internet worked. Yes, this is one of those "lets go into the Internet....with our minds" movies. They didn't get it right. I, however, don't want to spend too much time on how wrong they got with the Internet. I will say that it is the worst onscreen representation of the Internet in film.

Keanu is quite bad, if not at his worst, which many may think that isn't a stretch for him but its hard to say that his work in John Wick was not impressive (even if he only had 10 lines). But Johnny Mnemonic stands right beside Johnny Utah in an actor forgetting that they are in a film. Dina Meyer does her best impression of Dina Meyer. She sets out to portray an actress who stinks. Dolph Lundgren, Henry Rollins, Udo Kier, and Ice T all do just fine and make room for the two main characters to stink it up without helping.

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Prelude to Johnny Mnemonic

Prelude to Johnny Mnemonic
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Brought to you by Johnny Pneumatic. Keanu Reeves and Rosmand Pike gets trapped in an annoying steampunk world and gets his armed replaced with a drill (just go with it).

Its time for us to finally see what the Internet looks like from the inside with 1995's Johnny Mnemonic, starring Keanu Reeves and Dina Meyer, with fun appearances of Dolph Lundgren, Henry Rollins, Udo Kier and Ice-T doesn't screw it up!

Streaming Do's and Don'tsThe Lost Boys - NetflixThe Howling V: The Rebirth - Netflix (no longer availabe, bummer)Cyborg - NetflixGood Neighbor, Bad NeighborMr. Anderson (Not "The One", but Neo before he takes the red pill) - The MatrixTed "Theodore" Logan - Bill & Ted's Excellent AdventureOfficer Jack Travor - SpeedAbout Johnny Mnemonic - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

I have chosen Jonny Mnemonic for 2 very specific reasons:

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Stone Cold

Stone Cold
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Brian Bosworth stars this week as Joe Huff/John Stone/All Awesome in Stone Cold with William Forsythe and Lance Henriksen. Its the tale of one tough cop that goes undercover to accomplish absolutely nothing in preventing a biker gang destroying the entire government of Mississippi. Mullets, earrings, giant lizards, exploding choppers, and a ridiculously high body count makes up for one fun ride.

The very funny Ryan Fortier from the "Writing Through Vet School" blog joins us this week to help us make sense of this movie. Ryan is the author of "Paranoia" (available for $2.99) and one of the funniest bad movie reviewers. You can follow Ryan at https://quietthinker1.wordpress.com/ and read his bad movie reviews at https://quietthinker1.wordpress.com/category/bad-movies-2/.

The plot of this film is quite dubious. Essentially, there is a biker gang that is causing a ruckus. One of them gets put on trial for shooting a priest for some reason. So we guess they are going to try to spring him from jail. The FBI hires a suspended tough guy cop named Joe Huff to go under-cover, as John Stone, in the gang to keep tabs on them. Along the way, they do some stuff and then Joe completely fails to stop them from killing everyone. We really have no idea what the story of this film is supposed to be. On screen, all you can really tell is that a guy acts tough and then all of Mississippi dies. It also seems that no one really has much of a plan to accomplish their unknown goals. The biker gang has no end game. Stone's plan just seems to be hang around the gang and do assorted tasks for them. And when someone comes up with a plan to do something they completely fail every single time. Even simple tasks like "earn profits" or "stay alive" cannot be executed.

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Prelude to Stone Cold

Prelude to Stone Cold
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We open this one with a production meeting for the sequel to Stone Cold. Brian Bosworth discusses ideas.

Take one Brian "The Boz" Bosworth, put him in the role of one tough cop and let him do his own hair and costumes and you've got 1991's Stone Cold directed by stinker staple Craig R. Baxley. It's one of Justin's favorite bad movies so get jacked!

Streaming Do's and Don'tsKung Fury - YoutubeNomads - NetflixNight Watch - NetflixPlatoon Leader - NetflixGood Neighbor, Bad NeighborAce VenturaRockyJames BondAbout Stone Cold - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Directed by Craig R. Baxley, who started as a stunt performer but rose to the position of Director. He is notable for such Stinker Madness Episodes as Action Jackson.  Other films include, most likely future episode; I Come in Peace. Baxley hit the TV scene pretty hard as a director as well, credits include; Silencing Mary and Twisted Desire, both staring Melissa Joan Hart. Because what Clarrisa realy knows best is how to get sexyish after her show gets cancelled.

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Captain America

Captain America
Is Peyton Manning Captain America?
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Matt Salinger dons the role of weak but honorable Steve Rogers and becomes Captain America as part of the Super Soldier Program so that he can be strong enough to stop the Nazi equivalent, the Red Skull. Sound familiar? Well that's about all this film has in common with anything that you know about Cap. The rest is pretty much the dumbest hot mess that you could possibly imagine.

Albert Pyun's Captain America is maybe the worst adaptation of a single character that has ever been made. Matt Salinger is awkward moving at all times and shows absolutely no athletic ability. Captain America is a bit of a dick as he really shows little concern for other people. He's about as smart as a box of hair. He really never succeeds in any mission nor is he ever known by the world as a WWII superhero, even though when he is unthawed the world seems to care, despite having never heard of him before.

The visuals (costumes, effects and action) are horrendous and make up the best part of the film. By best I mean that they are hilarious. Cap's outfit looks like its made of vinyl and seems to get ripped up randomly from what we can only infer is that Matt Salinger leaned up against walls too much. The shield looks like an after dinner peppermint. Red Skull only has Red Skull face for the first 5 minutes on screen. The Red Skull rat is epic bad stop-motion. The list of bad visuals goes on and on.

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Prelude to Captain America

Prelude to Captain America
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Brought to you by Captain Canada. Can Captain Canada, with the help of Jacques Pierre, defeat the villainous Josef Stalin and his evil right hand man, the Red Scare? Tune in to WABC on Stinker Madness to find out!

It's time for some sweet pre-Avenger action, when Matt Salinger becomes Steve Rogers or is that Peyton Manning? Its 1990's Captain America directed by Albert Pyun and produced by Menahem Golan. Its gotta be a total slam dunk right?

Streaming Dos and Don'tsThe Core - NetflixScorcher - NetflixJack's Back - NetflixAbraxas Guardian of the Universe - WAS on YouTube but is now gone. Sorry.Good Neighbor, Bad NeighborTeen WitchCondormanTeenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Raymond Chow)About American Kickboxer 2 - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Directed by one Albert Pyun. Still no word on the Radioactive Dreams remastering project as a VHS copy of the film is now at the low end $89 plus shipping on Amazon.  I just have to keep everyone abreast of that situation. This is not regarded as Alberts Finest hour. It can't be as bad as that shit we watched with Natasha Henstridge (Adrenalin: Fear the Rush).

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Universal Soldier

Universal Soldier
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Dolph and Jean Claude square off with the assistance of Roland Emmerich in the blockbuster film, Universal Soldier. The idea is that there is a military program that takes dead soldiers and reanimates them, while erasing their memories so that they can become undead badass guys. Are they zombies? Or just slightly retarded guys with guns?

The film is a very early Roland Emmerich work and really lays the foundation for his career. All of the staples that you see in a Roland Emmerich film are setup here. Plot details that just get glossed over (JCVD's accent for example), punchlines that involve people looking quizzically at each other after something ridiculous happens, action shots that seem crazy but you just really can't tell what's happening...Of course, JCVD also delivers some of the staples of his films as well including excessive shots of his butt and a lack of explaining his ethnicity. Dolph is just Dolph.

Unfortunately, this film is a tad boring. There's far too many scenes of the Universal Soldiers pondering what life is now that they are dead or reliving the last moments of the life before they died and then pondering. We get it. JCVD doesn't know how his weiner works and Dolph has an obsession with chopping ears off but there is far too little action. However, the action sequences that do happen are quite exciting and fun but are too few and far between.

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Prelude to Universal Soldier

Prelude to Universal Soldier
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Brought to you by Universally Older - the one stop pharmaceutical line of products for the aging badass. JCVD approved!

This week Jackie pulls the metaphorical trigger on Roland Emmerich and Jean Claude Van Damme's first appearance on Stinker Madness. Plus Dolph Lundgren shows up for the fourth time in Universal Soldier. Can this be a good movie? Probably not....

Also this week we release a new segment that we hope you enjoy. It's called Good Neighbor, Bad Neighbor and is a stalwart drinking game in our social network (the real life kind, sorry Tweeters). The rules are simple; pick someone famous and decide if they would make a good neighbor or a bad neighbor. It doesn't matter how much you like the person, even people you like may make bad neighbors (talking to you William Shatner) and people you dislike may make great neighbors (talking to you Kobe Bryant). Be sure to reach out to us with your thoughts on each weeks pick by hashtagging #GNBN.

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American Kickboxer 2

American Kickboxer 2
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American Kickboxer 2 is a one of a kind achievement in horrendously bad acting, awful dialogue, poorly performed stunts, and incredibly stupid plot. It really is a perfect storm in bad action movies. With this combined tour de crap, it becomes a laugh a second tornado of awesomeness. This is too rad to ignore.

Essentially, a rich family's child is kidnapped and the mother has to recruit two tough guys from her past to rescue her. Sounds simple right? Well lets try this again. The owner of a successful plumbing company has a slightly mentally handicapped child who gets kidnapped by action guys. She contacts her tough guy ex-husband and her tough guy ex-lover and explains to both of them that they have an 8 year old child and that she's been kidnapped. The two tough guys then proceed to fight each other more than bad guys until a hooker tells them that a warehouse that stores guys who don't actually work there and just have upstairs "Fight Club" also contains the kidnapped child. At that point they end up having to fight each other to the death, when a pothead frees here by using cockroaches. Movie ends with an implied three-way. Wow.

As I mentioned the acting is awful.......ly awesome. Evan Lurie and Dale Cook are ridiculously bad. Dale shouts all of his lines but is unintelligible because he has to have a toothpick in his mouth at all times (including fight scenes). Evan Lurie, in the true spirit of the film, does the exact opposite and mumbles ever line because "he's so peaceful". Tackleberry is completely unbelievable as a fat Vince Vaughn/business executive/action guy and Kathy Shower does her best concerned mom routine (who is surprisingly better at it than Erika Eleniak).

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