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Cool as Ice

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Kids, remember that period of time before Nirvana and post The Clash? Well that period was a dark time we like to call "The Ice Age" and Vanilla Ice, the mind-child of men in ties, led the charge against good art. This film is a horrifying reminder of those awful days.

It should be noted that we are not going to pick on Robert Van Winkle (Ice's real name). Any reference to how dumb Vanilla Ice is, will be reference to how stupid the men behind the image of Vanilla Ice were (record producers, MTV execs, publicists, etc.).

During this film, we are told that Vanilla Ice is a street tough, ripped with muscles, knows what we call "Ice-Qwon-Do", and the ladies love him. In reality, he might weight 150lbs, has a farmer's tan, is a misogynist, doesn't know martial arts and he likes to hump people while rapping, man OR woman. You know, I don't think I can buy into this guy.

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Days of Thunder

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When the people ask for a Top Gun sequel they get it! Only this one has NASCAR instead of fighter jets and Kelly McGillis gets to be replaced by the quite unhappy wife of the lead actor. Replace Tom Skeritt with a Robert Duvall and put him in a foot race with Tom Cruises and you've got Top Gun 2: Days of Thunder.

While it's just a sequel to arguably the buttest of all movies, Days of Thunder is a lot more fun. It's super dumb, of course, and fairly low on action, it's still a whole lot of fun to riff with how piss poor the script is. It's all fun and games here but if you really think about any single event of this movie you can start punching about fifty holes into each scene.

So while it stars Tom Cruises, who is despicable in 99% of his films, and Jerry Bruckheimer produced it (with Don Simpson), it's still a pretty fun time on the revisit. I would suggest getting some good riffers around you though when you do so. It's not great, but its clearly the best Jerry Bruckheimer movie we've reviewed.

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Face/Off

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When two men really don't like each other it's time to break the laws of medical science and do a face/off and then a face/on, while facing off. Inspiration demands much wiping of loved ones faces on, in case they get their faces blown off.

So let's start out with the science of said face/swap. Nope, can't work. The movie explicitly tells us that Cage and Travolta's characters (Troy and Archer, respectively) have two different blood types. So the face wouldn't even stay on. The body would reject the swap and then you'd really have a face off....onto the floor. Hey try not to step on your face. Then there's the height difference, hair lines and color, body hair amounts, eye color, dental structure, weight gain/loss, shoe size and the most damning of all differences -- the ding dong. Mrs. Archer must be only boning him when she's lit up like a X-mas tree because she can't tell that he husbands winky has gone from 4 inches and dropping left to 5 inches and constantly erect. Nice.

The sad thing about Face/Off is that there is really not as much action as people remember. There's only two sequences that are really actioney and they bookend an hour and half of not much happening action-wise. Good thing for the viewer is that during these slow points, Cage and Travolta are delivering some of the most outlandish acting we've seen this side of Wicker Man or Troll 2. They make a GREAT bad acting duo as they try to out over-the-top each other. It's chemistry, yes, and is the real draw for this film.

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Con Air

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Welcome to Con Air, your number one airlines if you are super butt. Like Nickelback? You'll love Con Air. Like penis measuring? Con Air is your favorite. Think Jerry Bruckheimer is a good producer, kiss our collective ass. This movie sucks.

The movie is about the impossible. Going to prison for a crime that you wouldn't get charged with, Cage's Alabama accent, his hair, the concept of the prison plane, Colm Meaney having a job, and the lack of geographical understanding. None of it works. The villain's plan doesn't make a lick of sense and the "good" guys plans don't help. Even Nic Cage's "Cameron Poe" breaks his own rules for the sake of "action".

So we're big action fans. Does this movie have good action? Nope. Too much slow motion and shirtless guys trying to look cool. Does it have a lot of action? Nope. There's a disparaging lack of anything happening in this film. This is supposed to be a "roller-coaster ride". I remember roller-coasters being exciting for the entire time. This really only has two 10 minute actions sequences which amounts to 17% of the movie. If you went on a roller-coaster that only got up to speed 17% of the time, you probably wouldn't be thrilled.

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Cutthroat Island

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Its one of the worst box office flops that has ever existed and there's a reason for that. This movie stinks! But take some bad acting, bad action, terrible dialogue, and add in the "idiot plot" and you've got a great time ahead. Yo-ho, me scalped hardys!

Let's get the most common complaint about this film - Geena Davis as action lady. Sure, she stinks. She's got no action ability and looks horrendously awful on screen. Her movements aren't fluid and come at you at about the pace of a turtle. Her action is lumpy. There's just no other word, lumpy. She can't get a line right either.

But here's the deal...she didn't have a lot to work with here. The script is unbelievable. It's filled with cheesy one-liners, more than we've ever come across. It has more terrible one-liners than any Chuck Norris movie. Honestly. Then there's her (at the time) husband's direction. Michael Bay can do a better and more believable job. The action is so poorly put together and each shot has at least one glaring flaw in it. 

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Prelude to Cutthroat Island

Prelude to Cutthroat Island
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In our FINAL Prelude episode (that's right, you heard it), we pull out all the stops for Cutthroat Island. It's known to be one of the biggest flops of cinema history and a career-ender for everyone involved except for the director who is at fault more than anyone.

The Wild Card from Justin - Pop Quiz, Hotshot (Pirate Edition)Q. Pirates pierced their ears, not to look cool. Why?A. Believed precious gems in their ears improved one's eyesight.Q. Why did pirates wear eye patches?A. To always have one eye adjusted to darkness to fight below deck in darkQ. Women pirates! Name one.A. Anne Bonny stole the REvenge with Jack Rackham and pirated until it was captured.    Mary Read partnered with Anne Bonny    Sayyida al Hurra ruled mediterreanean in early 1500s    Jeanne-Louise de Belleville led three black with red sail ships called the BLack Fleet taking revenge against King Philip VI for killing         her husband.    Ching Shih captured by pirates in 1801, then married their captain. When he died she took over the fleet of over 300 junks and 40,000       men. Chinese navy lost 63 ships to them.Q. What was a pirates most popular form of crew punishment?A. Keelhauling - getting tied to the ship and dragged under, getting your skin torn off AND/OR drowning. Whhheeeee!!!Q. Describe the most deadliest of pirate flags?A. Red background with an hourglass on it. Meant give no quarter.The Wild Card from Sam - The Great Superpower DebateThe Magneto of Food or Mind Chef - 7/10 stars (with a caveat of Jackie just being grumpy, this is a 10/10 if there ever was one)The Wild Card from Jackie - Would You Rather?Be stabbed the Last Unicorn or eaten by Clifford the Big Red DogDrowning via Loch Ness Monster or Drawn and Quartered by SasquatchNot worth going over.....About Cutthroat Island - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

When it comes to pirate movies, I like my swashbuckling hot and my pirates and pirate ladies hotter. People who wear leather and don’t take baths, covered in sea salt and bird shit. Wait that’s real pirates, who were most certainly gross. Movie pirates though, they have the hots all over. Jon Depp, Orlando Bloom, Matthew Modine… Wait Modine? Really? Do you want a pirate or a middle aged father who doesn’t understand his teenagers?

How exactly does this casting faux pas come about? Well, Tom Cruise, Keanu Reeves, Liam Neeson, Jeff Bridges, Ralph Fiennes, Charlie Sheen, Michael Keaton, Tim Robbins, Daniel Day Lewis and Gabriel Byrne all said no. Michael Douglas said yes, but his list of demands read like a Tolstoy novel so they brought in Modine. This is, to me anyway, a clear Christopher Lambert situation. Sure he can’t see a fucking thing, he cares too much and I am willing to bet that he is a close talker, but I would believe he was a pirate. You put pirate clothes on Modine and you have a middle school teacher on Halloween.

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Armageddon

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It's one of the crappiest movies ever to have such vast success. Thanks teenage girls. This movie is a whole lot of visual pain and my brain hurts from knowing how stupid it is. Get ready for some real crummy science!

The science....just one time open a book. Just once! So many explosions in space. So much NASA looking completely stupid. Ugh. Moving on...

Despite how bad the science is, it's really the most forgivable part of this turd. This film suffers from "The Idiot Plot", in which the plot of the movie can only exist if everyone in the story is a complete and total moron. NASA makes the big mistake of sending a cadre of morons into space instead of their astronauts, don't bother to come up with plan B, spend all their time dinking around with driller training, and also being in charge of all life on Earth. Nice. Then there's Bruce Willy and team, who we can forgive because, well....they're idiots. They shouldn't even be up there!

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Prelude to Armageddon

Prelude to Armageddon
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This week on the greatest podcast about bad movies, Sam decides to punish us for 2 1/2 hours with both Michael Bay and Bruce Willis' first appearance on the show. It's the "classic" teenage-girl loving mega-hit, Armageddon, in which a rock gets sploded by oil drillers. Prepare for some bad science! 

Streaming Dos and Don'tsThe Colony - NetflixMazes and Monsters - Amazon PrimeSpace Mutiny - Netflix (MST3K) The Wild Card - The Great Superpower DebateThe Iron Foot - 7.25/10 starsAbout Armageddon - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Knock knock?Who’s there?Armageddon.Armageddon Who?Armageddon on your nerves yet? If not give me another 2 and a half hours.

That’s right, despite the cumbersome length, it is finally time for Michael Bay to please step forward. This will also be Jerry Bruckhiemer’s first time on the show, somehow, he will definitely be back as my next pick is Con Air. I am sure he will be back after that as well, his filmography reads like a movie critics rogues gallery. The third member of the superstar filmmaking team is Gale Anne Hurd. Though more respected in critical circles, Gale is now a Stinker Madness 3 timer as she also produced Dante’s Peak and Punisher War Zone. The Screenplay, as you can imagine, was tackled by as many as nine individuals at various times but it would appear that Hurd’s husband and scribe of many stinkers, Jonathan Hensleigh was on the frontend and Tony Gilroy and JJ Abrams got in on the action.

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Congo

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An endless troupe of soon-to-be-dead invade a protected jungle to achieve their cavalcade of ulterior motives set to the backdrop of civil war. There's also a talking trash-can, lasers, primacide, Reagan's Star Wars program, bad science, missiles, bad management and Ernie Hudson. It's time for some good ol' bonkers business.

Congo from opening shot to final frame is a mass of nonsense. At no point in time does anything feasible or scientifically sound happen throughout. It's like they took the original script, sent it to Bizarro World, then brought it back and used that version. None of it makes any damn sense.

Now, the biggie...Amy the gorilla. She stinks, I'm sorry Stan Winston. This is a talking trashcan or at best one of the members of the Chuck E. Cheese band. But she's probably the most likeable character in the film, so you got that going for you.

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Prelude to Congo

Prelude to Congo
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Last year we made a hard decision that the classic Michael Crichton adaptation Congo was a must do for an episode and now we have reached the point where its time for such shenanigans. It's lasers, gorillas and greed and everything you want.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsGantz:O - NetflixSupersonic Man - Rifftrax - Amazon PrimeSuper Inframan - Amazon PrimeThe Wild Card - The Great Superpower DebateWater Freeze Man - 8.75/10 StarsAbout Congo - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

The novel Congo, written of course, by Michael Crichton in 1980, made a startling number of accurate predictions about future technology. When it came time make the movie, some 15 years later, those behind other Hollywood brain trust decisions, would include only two main technologies for the film version. These would most assuredly be the least intellectually palatable devices; the monkey talk box and, the by 1995 scientifically proven to be implausible laser gun. Another fabulous decision by the film-making team would be putting some hair on a brown trash can and making the declaration that it is a talking ape named Amy.

Frank Marshal made his third directorial effort with Congo, the previous two films being the box office hit Arachnophobia and the critical success Alive. Despite his established track record and more than impressive production credits as the other half of Amblin Entertainment, he decided to make this steaming turd burger. True to form, however, the Marshal picture still killed it at the box office raking in $80 million against a $50 million dollar budget. It should also be noted that John Patrick Shanley wrote the screen play for this. Yes the same guy who auteured Joe Vs The Volcano somehow also wrote this.

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Twister

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We all lost a huge part of our show and entertainment in general in the passing of Bill Paxton. He was a one of a kind type of actor and while that may seem cliche to say in the wake of someone's death in Hollywood, we'll stand by it. Bill had a depth that few possess, taking roles as varied as the pyschotic Severen in Near Dark (and is the only reason to watch the movie) to the silly Matt Owens in (Slipstream) to the model for a douche in Simon from True Lies (and steals the comedic show from Arnold and Arnold) to the warm but frightened Fred Haise in Apollo 13. The guy could play anything. 

So with that in mind, we tackle the 1996 disasterooney of Twister. With all its cliches and tropes that run rampant in the disaster genre, can the immensely popular film stand up to 20 years of time since its release? Who is this Helen Hunt lady? How did Phillip Seymour Hoffman become a thing? Is that a flying cow? All this and more revealed in our podcast episode. Listen to it!

Twister is WOW stupid. It falls into that mold of "these characters should have died in multiple instances but don't thanks to ludicrous writing". And they are all pretty blatant. One does not need to be a forensic scientist to understand that these people died multiple times. Pretty awesome stupid.

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Encino Man

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We get straight to weezin' the juice as a caveman gets called out for being, well...a caveman. It's that old story of boy meets girl, boy gets frozen in a glacier and then boy meets potheads and learns the wonders of the doobage.

Encino Man is a movie that shouldn't be any fun at all. But it is. End of story. It has that strange ability to be not funny but fun throughout. It's outlandish, ridiculous, and stupid but never stops being a wild ride.

What may not be overtly stated is that the movie tells us that the only way to not get murdered by a caveman and have a smooth transition for him into modern society is marijuana. There's no onscreen use of the pot but behind the scenes it's heavily implied. If you know anything about potheads and the things that surround them, you'll spot this pretty easily. Stoney (Pauly Shore) is the easy spot but those who know what I'm talking about will also recognize Dave (Sean Astin) as that straight-laced fella whose parents don't know he's into the weed.

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Prelude to Encino Man

Prelude to Encino Man
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After weeks of pitching a fit, Jackie is subjected to a film she appears to be not much of a fan of. It's the story of a caveman frozen in ice for millennia only to thawed out in early 90's SoCal....what possibly horrors will he (or us) face in Encino Man?!?!

The Stinker Madness Academy Award Special!

We take a look at each of the films and share our meat and two bits with you! That makes this episode a bit on the long side but we had quite a bit to say about this years field. There will be spoilers so be careful!

Sando’s 2016 Stinker Madness films of certain regard as it pertains to awards season

During the episode I will only mention Love & Friendship specifically as a film I thought to be as strong as the middle to upper end of the Best Picture field. However, the 9 overall nominations after the few hits included some distant misses seeming to be a symptom of a very wide second tier field following; La La Land, Manchester by the Sea and Moonlight. I saw 6 of the 9 nominations and immediately thought The Arrival and Hacksaw Ridge had no business being invited to the party. So I will start with films that I saw which I thought to be superior to the aforementioned two.

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Dante's Peak

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Our second of back to back "stupid volcano movies from 1997" is the possibly the least disastery of any disaster movies ever created. Spoiler alert - body count is 5 and a tiny hick town gets cleared off the map. It's fine since they were just a bunch of smug buttholes anyways.

So if Volcano should have been named "Lava; Not Volcano Really", then Dante's Peak should have been called "Volcano; No Lava Really". It's a perfect mirror in opposite land. The volcano is HUGE but has very little lava. In fact the only thing that lava kills in this film is some truck tires. Very strange.

In the film Volcano, the disaster is at least disastrous, somewhat. In Dante's Peak its very not that way. A town of about 3000 people gets wiped out but only 4 people die due to the volcano; 3 of them didn't even live there and one was an insane old bitch that NO ONE liked. It's pretty not disastrous; quite unlike the structure of this sentence.

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Prelude to Dante's Peak

Prelude to Dante's Peak
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Hey remember that OTHER volcano movie from 1997? Well its here on Stinker Madness to finally help us answer that age old question: which 1997 volcano movie is the most stupid? Dante's Peak stars Pierce Brosnan and Linda Hamilton.

Roman's Do's and Don'tsNinja Busters - Bluray only $24.99 on AmazonDangerous Men - $3.99 on YouTubeThe Barbarians - YouTubeThe Wild Card - The Great Superpower Debate

Extreme resistance to extreme heat but only from above - 3/10 stars

About Dante's Peak - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

These volcano movies of '97 really did poorly. Volcano had turned $47 million against a $120 million budget and the similarly themed Dante's Peak made $67 million versus a budget of $178 million. Apparently geology, is not box office gold, nor was it enough to keep me awake during my second semester in college. It should also be noted that this thing was almost as expensive as Titanic - the most expensive movie of all time when released.

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Volcano

Volcano
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Tommy and Anne face off against some hot magma ("What's Magma?") in the first of two 1997 volcano movies. This one features a lead character who should be fired and never hired for his job, a slew of disaster movie cliches (Dog never dies, anyone?) and Stan, the Man-Chucking Man in possibly the stupidest movie we've ever seen on this show.

Let's start off by declaring how incredibly dumb this movie is. Every single bit of "science" is telegraphed to the audience because "Hey! They're stupid!" such as the definition of tectonic activity, gravity and magma. The volcano has a mind of its own and has Tommy Lee Jones sense meaning if Tommy is coming its sneaky and hides from him. The government officials of LA have no clue how things should work and it seems Tommy's Roark is the mayor as everyone calls him or reports to him daily even before the eruption. The Chief of Police even calls to obligatorily yell at someone, even if its completely unrelated to Emergency Management of which Roark is the director of. I can in no way define how stupid this movie is because in order to define something you must possess some semblance of intelligence. That would be a slap in the face of this movies lack thereof.

Then there's the effects. Too many people over use the "effects that don't stand up to time" but this thing never had a chance to stand up at all. I specifically talk about "the building" (and why there is a character to just set up that a building exists is beyond me). At one point, the cast stands in front of a large photo of the building as if they are there. Usually when someone looks at something fake they are looking at a painting that's supposed to be real but this time it's a photo....that's out of focus. Seriously.

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Prelude to Volcano

Prelude to Volcano
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Surprise! Volcano! Tommy Lee Jones comes in to ask what magma is and see if his volcano movie of 1997 can be the dumber of the year. We all know its stupid, but how stupid can it be?

Roman's Do's and Don'tsLust for Freedom (1987) - YouTubeFurious (1984) - IMDBThe Zero Boys (1986) - IMDBWild Card - The Great Superpower DebateElectro-magnetic Telekinesis - 3.5 starsAbout Volcano - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

As evidenced by the classic 1997 film Volcano, there are some disaster management professionals out there who do not know what magma is, I am then to infer that there are possibly people out there, disaster management professionals or otherwise, who don't know what volcanoes are. I will explain this phenomenon as unscientifically as possible; a volcano is a giant dirt cone that shoots fire sauce out the top, not the good kind of fire sauce either. You put this stuff on your taco and it becomes el taco de la muerte. 

Oddly this film which seems to fumble the science like a greasy over inflated football, was helmed by one Mick Jackson. Jackson, before directing such films as LA Story, The Bodyguard and this pile of crap, had a hand in some of the greatest television ever made. One instance, and his first directorial effort is the James Burke series Connections. If you haven't seen Connections get a seat belt for your brain and buckle up. He would rebound from this film as well as Clean Slate with Dana Carvey, as it was done immediately prior to Volcano, making events for HBO such as the adaptation of Live From Baghdad and Temple Grandin, which won him an Emmy. After 19 years he returns to the silver screen soon with his most recent effort, Denial, which concluded filming in February.

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Prelude to Troll 2

Prelude to Troll 2
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Finally, we hit one of the most notorious bad movies of all time. At one point, Troll 2 was the #1 lowest rated movie on IMDB.com until people realized it's freaking awesome. Praised by many and loved by tons, it's a treasure of a film and we can't wait to dive into it.

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The young one was playing Zombie Catchers, and he just earned this guy:@StinkerMadness pic.twitter.com/bk7cpUFbLs

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976-EVIL 2

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Jim Wynorski makes his Stinker Madness debut with 1991's tale of a spooky phone hotline that gives you the confidence to mow on Bridgette Neilsen's box and gain super-powers so that you can stock a lady with a tall butt.

We're pretty confused on what this movie is about. Our best theory is that the dean of a community college has an obsession with his ex-office assistant. He's nuts and thinks that a 1-900 horoscope number will give him the powers to stalk her properly. So he somehow meets up with the proprietor of a spooky stuff supply store who if you give her cunnilingus you will be given the powers of Doctor Strange. Meanwhile, a guy who only has leather motorcycle gear to wear and who does not shower ever, thinks that the 1-900 number is somehow involved but they are just a red herring and are just a "phone company" with a really lame business model and a fairly bored CEO.

So none of the story makes any sense, which is no problem for us. We love how Jim doesn't bother with any of that and just crams silly stuff in to mask the lack of a plot. There's several sequences in this film that are a laugh riot, particularly the scene where Motorcycle Greg fights possessed assault rifles and flying frozen pizzas, a car chase sequence with a ninja driver, and possibly the best exploding dummy ever caught on film. Hilarious!

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Prelude to 976-EVIL 2

Prelude to 976-EVIL 2
ET vs Munchie
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Jim Wynorski makes his very first and long overdue appearance on the show with 1991's 976-Evil 2, a film so important that they wouldn't even bring Robert Englund to direct it. Will Jim continue his fine tradition and increase his presence in the Stinker Hall of Fame? Spoiler alert - totally.

We'd like to say thank you to our fans that recently wrote in by sharing some thoughts from them on the show. If you'd like to join us in the bad movie discussion, like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter or write to us to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..

RE: Punisher: War Zone Episode

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