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Prelude to Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

Prelude to Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers
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Jackie brings in the first Fred Olen Ray film in that old tale of hookers on a hellbent rampage with some nasty chainsaws and lots of boobies.

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

The Wild Card - Good Neighbor, Bad Neighbor Couple's Edition

  • Tarzan and Jane
  • Barney and Betty Rubble
  • Joker and Harley Quinn

About Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers - Movie Information

Sam's Boring Bullshit

Fred Olen Ray has directed 16 films since the last time we talked about him, in fact he directed 3 films before I could get to the end of this sentence. Recently he commandeered Van Damme and Segal in order to highjack the Sniper franchise, Billy Zane liked it so much he’s pissing his pants right now. In total Ray has directed nearly 150 films. Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers is among his more popular films which would also include Bad Girls From Mars, Beverly Hills Vamp, Cyclone and the Wynorski collaborative effort Dinosaur Island.

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Gymkata

Gymkata
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USA Gold Medal magnet, Kurt Thomas, stars as John Cabot, a USA Gold Medal magnet/super secret agent/diplomat to strange lands. So he solo invades Parmistan, an absolutely insane country, to play "The Game" to get a satellite substation. Well that makes perfect sense!

Gymkata is serious shenanigans. It could be argued that it's the most bonkers movie we've reviewed and definitely the most poorly thought out. While most might focus on the unawesome martial art that combines gymnastics and karate (which puts it in the Streaming Do's and Don'ts realm) the country of Parmistan is our focus. Parmistan is impossible. It can't work. How does diplomacy work? Do they have foreign trade? Is their military only made of ninja or are they more like the secret police? Is there a system of government besides the Khan? I personally believe that someone, probably Pakistan, would have bombed Parmistan back into the Stone Age, but Parmistan never got out of the Stone Age so I guess bomb them back to the times of the dinosaurs (they may also have dinosaurs).

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Prelude to Gymkata

Prelude to Gymkata
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This week on the podcast we gear up for one of the most notorious bad movies ever made and a hallmark of stupidity. When you need to invade a country that doesn't make any sense, send in an Olympic Gold Medalist!

The Wild Card - The Great Superpower Debate

Immunity to negative drug side effects - 7.75 out of 10 stars

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She-Devil

She-Devil
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Roseanne gets "vengeance" upon a hubby-stealing romance novelist, by destroying her own life, abandoning her children, treating other's as pawns in her master plan, and exploiting the weak and trusting women in need that the films tells you she is freeing from oppression. This thing is a mondo-turd.

I hate this movie. I'll make no apologies to start. It's not funny. It's infuriatingly preposterous and at no point can one sympathize or appreciate any of the characters. They are the "basket of deplorables" that I believe Mrs. Clinton was speaking about; politics aside, she just hated these three people. Let's start with the easy spots: Ed Begley's Bob and Meryl Streep's Mary. The viewer isn't supposed to like them. They are the antagonists with Bob being an emotionally abusive and cheating husband (with a side order of being a buffoon) and Mary, an egotistical, spoiled and sociopathic bitch (for lack of a better word). Sure, they're the bad guys. You shouldn't like them. But in a comedy, you should enjoy them. In this POS, the screen-time shared between Begley and Streep comes across as a poor impression of The Three Stooges (minus 1). "Wow, aren't they zany!?" said the producer. The audience responds by pissing on said producer's pants.

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Prelude to She-Devil

Prelude to She-Devil
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Roseanne Barr and Meryll Streep join up to deliver the yucks and yuck is what they deliver in a tale about a scorned middle-American housewife revengifying the atrocities committed upon her person and also liberating womankind from oppressions. She just makes things worse....

Listener Feedback

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Tango & Cash

Tango & Cash
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Two cops find love in each other's egos, while attempting to clear their names from a villainous plot to take over the world's salted caramel industry. Stallone and Russell team up for one of the raddest buddy cop dumb-dumb rollercoaster. It's shenanigans.

Tango & Cash is incredibly stupid. There is absolutely no sense of reality here. The villain uses mice, that he loves,  to demonstrate his evilry. He owns monster trucks that have guns mounted on them. Hidden assassin's inside of mirrors (we think) & gun-shoes. Physics don't apply. Time and distance are more of guidelines...

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Prelude to Tango & Cash

Prelude to Tango & Cash
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This week on the Stinker Madness Podcast, we tackle the classic "buddy" cop film from 1989 with Stallone and Russell in a weird incestuous love triangle, framed for murder, take down the vague bad guy, and enjoy some off-roading. It's Tango & Cash!

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

The Wild Card - The Great Superpower Debate

  • Being a Vulcan - 2.5/10 stars (Not good)

About Tango & Cash - Movie Information

Sam's Boring Bullshit

Who is the man that gets into all of the Hollywood hang down competitions? Kurt Russell, that’s who. This week he will be comparing his star penis, I mean power, to that of one Sylvester Stallone. Apparently the two got along just fine as there was probably no illusions as to Stallone being the big boss on the picture. The caveats of Stallone pictures of the time are all there, firing the DP before shooting, starting to re-write the script after shooting starts, having more than one person rewrite the script without communicating with one another. Firing the director after the project has gone over budget by almost double. I guess Kurt saw that things were well in hand and didn’t bother making any more interference, Stallone would later praise him for being a real pro, despite Russell being the fall back option to Patrick Swayze who ditched the production for Road House. By the time the dust would settle on the set, there would be 4 directors including Stallone, 5 if you count Stuart Baird who is known for directing pictures in post-production and is Hollywood’s most rebound editing doctor, and there would be enough deleted scenes to make another movie. What remains is comedy gold. The largest feud during production was between Stallone who wanted it to be a very dark and brooding crime film and producer John Peters who wanted it to be a campy spoof of the popular buddy cop sub-genre. When you then bring in Baird to stir that pot together independently, you only get two things; Tango & Cash.

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Order of the Black Eagle

Order of the Black Eagle
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Jackie and Justin as ninjas
Stinker Madness Halloween Punkins
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I'm also going to link to the full movie on YouTube I just found but it may not be there for long: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4S6VBdM7yA

Duncan Jax and his faithful companion, Boon are back to take down a group of Nazis living in South America from accomplishing their dubious evil plans, mostly having a functioning laser and unfreezing their cryogenic leader, Ze Furor. Yes that one.

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Prelude to The Order of the Black Eagle

Prelude to The Order of the Black Eagle
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I'm also going to link to the full movie on YouTube I just found but it may not be there for long: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4S6VBdM7yA

This week on the podcast Sam follows up the first Duncan Jax movie with what may or may not be the sequel to Unmasking the Idol. This time Duncan's going to take down a bunch of Nazis who happen to have a little special guest on their hands.

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Condorman

Condorman
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Disney bungles a live-action version of a cartoon with the least believable action star that has ever delved into the spy/superhero game. But add one of the raddest car chases, laser turret boats, rocket powered zip lines, and the worst costume you've ever seen and you've got one of the best early 80's turds to ever grace the screen. Wahoo!

The movie follows Woody who is the graphic artist behind the Condorman comic book frachise. Woody foolishly stumbles into a Soviet defection mission for the CIA and must employ the skills of his creation to help the beautiful and mysterious Natalia escape from the villainous Krakov and his right hand man, Morovitch and his team of skilled killers. You can use that if you'd like IMDB.

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Prelude to Condorman

Prelude to Condorman
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Back in 1981, Disney tried to gift the world with a live-action version of a comic-book character, and failed miserably. But their mistake is our great reward as Condorman sweeps through the show. We are giddy with excitement.

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

  • Death Wish II - EPIX
  • Death Wish III - TUBITV
  • Troll - EPIX and Prime

The Wild Card - The Great Superpower Debate

Emo-Man - You gain powers based on your emotional state, ie angry you get hulky, peaceful you get zenlike, sad you can shoot water out your eyes, horny you get smelly genitals....

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American Ninja 2: The Confrontation

American Ninja 2: The Confrontation
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Michael J. Dudikoff and Steve James are back from American Ninja and this time the volume of ninja gets ramped up to ludicrous levels. How do you get so many ninja? Well you just build an evil clone army of them so you can be a drug kingpin. What? Yep.

In another instance of Golan and Globus having very little understanding of the ninja, we also have very little understanding of their understanding. When you can clone ninja, what do you do with the ninja you've cloned? Well you become the kingpin of drugs. So why do you need ninja? Are they couriers? Are they drug dealers? Are they guards? Why not just have guys with guns? And why are your cloned ninja so inept? The plot is quite dumb.

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Prelude to American Ninja 2: The Confrontation

Prelude to American Ninja 2: The Confrontation
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It's time to finish off our Ninja-threepeat with a follow up to our American Ninja episode in which Michael Dudikoff dons the role of Pvt. Joe Armstrong, teams up with Curtis Jackson and fights hordes and hordes of random ninja.

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

Wild Card - Who'd win in a Knife Fight?

  • Hillary Clinton vs Donald Trump

About American Kickboxer 2 - Movie Information

Sam's Boring Bullshit

Well it looks like Sam Firstenberg moved in to your house, as evidenced by all of these ninja movies. Well that, the toilet’s full and the cat’s pregnant. Week three of ninja business presents us with another film which most likely knows nothing about ninjas. If it did Michael Dudikoff wouldn’t be playing one. It will be difficult for American Ninja 2: The Confrontation to live up to the previous not knowing anything about ninja standards set by Ninja 3: The Domination, in which a ninja is a crazy person/ghost who wants nothing more than to kill everyone everywhere, and Unmasking the Idol, wherein a ninja is a middle aged man who has bedroom eyes and a chain mail Eyes Wide Shut costume. Ian Hunter was actually in the original cut of Eyes Wide Shut but he was covered by digital furniture as the producers found his apparel and demeanor obscene. Can this possibly know less about ninjas then the previous ninja movies? Let’s find out together.

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Unmasking the Idol

Unmasking the Idol
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Worth Keeter's first Duncan Jax film is one of the film-world's must undiscovered gems. It's a glorious romp of all things awesome. If you like any fun film ever, then Unmasking the Idol is right up your alley. It's banana's in the best manner.

Somehow Unmasking the Idol has gone under the radar since its debut 30 years ago. Only 88 user ratings exist on IMDB (including the rating we gave). Host of Stinker Madness, Justin, has it as his 10th favorite bad movie of all time. That is enough right there to have this movie have at least 100 user ratings on IMDB.

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Prelude to Unmasking the Idol

Prelude to Unmasking the Idol
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A little known film from 1986 that features untold amounts of ninjas, treasure, espionage, ninjas, 3-wheeler's, a baboon, a bad-ass Ford Ranger, and so many balloons comes to the show. This is one movie you won't want to miss.

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

The Wild Card - Who Wins in a Knife Fight

  • Boon (Unmasking the Idol) vs. Clyde (Every Which Way But Loose)

About Unmasking the Idol (1986) - Movie Information

Sam's Boring Bullshit

The only thing you need to know is that Duncan Jax is the world’s most dangerous ninja, I guess. It is a rare occasion when a film applies a lower functional knowledge of ninjas than the Cannon Films library, but a rare occasion this is. Red rare, like the red of a baboon’s butt. If you like the red of a baboon’s but then you won’t be disappointed by this film. Yes that’s right there is a baboon in this movie. 

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Ninja III: The Domination

Ninja III: The Domination
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A deceased magical ninja with questionable motives possesses a telephone line working/aerobics instructor and gets her to revengify a bunch of cops who blew the ninja away (justifiably). Meanwhile, lasers, gymnastics, so much magic, and awful effects abound. Plus back hair and V8!

Ninja III may be the worst movie Cannon ever made. We're talking about Cannon here remember. This thing stinks so bad. The story is incredibly dumb/nonexistant, the action is completely ridiculous, the acting is awful, the shots are poorly staged, the effects are horrendous, dialogue is unbelievable and the complete lack of understanding life/people/reality is abundant. With that in mind, it adds up for so much fun. Wow, what a great bad movie.

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Prelude to Ninja III: The Domination

Prelude to Ninja III: The Domination
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This episode of the famed SM show, we put on our best disguises, pull out our tree-climbing ropes, and get ready to assassinate one of Cannon's most ridiculous films brought to the big screen. Like a ninja this film is disguised as a ninja film but it's 100% banana business. Plus the whole thing is free on YouTube! Thanks Paramount Vault!

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Firewalker

Firewalker
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Chuck Norris, Louis Gosset Jr, and Melody Anderson go on a wild ride through various adventures on the way to get treasure. Along the way the face alligators, sinking cars, rebels, gang-rape village, the Mexican Gestapo, their own visual appearance, and elaborate aboriginal death traps. Sounds ridiculous? It is indeed.

Firewalker is Golan and Globus' take on the very popular and quite good, Romancing the Stone. In fact, it's a veritable carbon copy of the film but with your typical Cannon Films ineptitude. It's writing is completely out of control stupid, the entire plot is irrelevant to itself, characters have strange motivations and are generally unneeded, the acting stinks, the cast possesses zero charm or chemistry, and the action sequences are written by children.

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Prelude to Firewalker

Prelude to Firewalker
Manimal
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Charles Norris returns again for his 3rd appearance on the show in a teamup with awful acting staple, Louis Gossett, Jr. in Firewalker. A film that appears to be a complete knockoff of Indiana Jones or Romancing the Stone or take your pick. Can Chuck Norris bring the comedy that he's so well known for? Or will this be as laughable as toothpaste?

Listener Feedback

Re: My superpower of electromagnetic telekinesis at a cost:

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Commando

Commando
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Our good movie friend Tucker (If We Made It Podcast) stops by to discuss one of the greatest/stupidest action movies of all time. Be prepared for ridiculous (hilarious) Arnold impressions.

Commando is so iconic and such a staple in "men with guns" movies that it's hard to avoid and impossible to dislike. It's level of over-the-top is unequaled that for the next 15 years in film, every action movie attempts to be Commando but none have come close. It's the model, but at the same time it's SOOOOO stupid.

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