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Condorman

Condorman
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Disney bungles a live-action version of a cartoon with the least believable action star that has ever delved into the spy/superhero game. But add one of the raddest car chases, laser turret boats, rocket powered zip lines, and the worst costume you've ever seen and you've got one of the best early 80's turds to ever grace the screen. Wahoo!

The movie follows Woody who is the graphic artist behind the Condorman comic book frachise. Woody foolishly stumbles into a Soviet defection mission for the CIA and must employ the skills of his creation to help the beautiful and mysterious Natalia escape from the villainous Krakov and his right hand man, Morovitch and his team of skilled killers. You can use that if you'd like IMDB.

Michael Crawford's Woody is seriously one of the strangest casting decisions. Yes he's goofy and bumbling but at the same point is completely devoid of charm. Yet he's so unlikable that he becomes likable. It also seems like they gave him teeth extensions and raised the octave of his voice by a factor of 2. The rest of the cast does a fine job including a clearly drunk Oliver Reed.

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Prelude to Condorman

Prelude to Condorman
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Back in 1981, Disney tried to gift the world with a live-action version of a comic-book character, and failed miserably. But their mistake is our great reward as Condorman sweeps through the show. We are giddy with excitement.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsDeath Wish II - EPIXDeath Wish III - TUBITVTroll - EPIX and PrimeThe Wild Card - The Great Superpower Debate

Emo-Man - You gain powers based on your emotional state, ie angry you get hulky, peaceful you get zenlike, sad you can shoot water out your eyes, horny you get smelly genitals....

About Condorman - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Condorman was one of several films that changed the way that the Walt Disney Company would release films. With other stalwart failures such as The Black Hole, executives thought that attaching the Disney tag to anything remotely adult was a kiss of death. Though Condorman was aimed at all audiences it was really only beloved by 8 year olds. Eventually, 3 years later, Disney would form the Touchstone label for it’s adult oriented releases. Tragically the films wouldn’t be as imaginative as those that came before the label. The first film released under the tag was Splash. Stinker Madness did an episode on Splash, though I am not sure why we did it you should go back and listen to it, 3 times. Another favorite of the Touchstone line was Stakeout with Driefus and Emilio. When I watched Stakeout with my dad, firstly I asked him why he was in movies and he didn’t tell me, and secondly, about halfway through the film I asked him when the steaks were coming into play.

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American Ninja 2: The Confrontation

American Ninja 2: The Confrontation
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Michael J. Dudikoff and Steve James are back from American Ninja and this time the volume of ninja gets ramped up to ludicrous levels. How do you get so many ninja? Well you just build an evil clone army of them so you can be a drug kingpin. What? Yep.

In another instance of Golan and Globus having very little understanding of the ninja, we also have very little understanding of their understanding. When you can clone ninja, what do you do with the ninja you've cloned? Well you become the kingpin of drugs. So why do you need ninja? Are they couriers? Are they drug dealers? Are they guards? Why not just have guys with guns? And why are your cloned ninja so inept? The plot is quite dumb.

Dudikoff is back and we're all too happy to see him. However, due to no fault of his own, he's not quite the same Pvt. Joe Armstrong from the first film. We really missed the unnecessary and out of place James Dean poses. He's a little less featured in this one, the stars are the ninja. However, we do give props for the incredibly tight pants that inspired the cinematographer to focus the viewers attention on a bulbous package. Ridiculous.

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Prelude to American Ninja 2: The Confrontation

Prelude to American Ninja 2: The Confrontation
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It's time to finish off our Ninja-threepeat with a follow up to our American Ninja episode in which Michael Dudikoff dons the role of Pvt. Joe Armstrong, teams up with Curtis Jackson and fights hordes and hordes of random ninja.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsThe Wave - NetflixKnock Knock - Amazon PrimeMalibu Beach - Amazon PrimeWild Card - Who'd win in a Knife Fight?Hillary Clinton vs Donald TrumpAbout American Kickboxer 2 - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Well it looks like Sam Firstenberg moved in to your house, as evidenced by all of these ninja movies. Well that, the toilet’s full and the cat’s pregnant. Week three of ninja business presents us with another film which most likely knows nothing about ninjas. If it did Michael Dudikoff wouldn’t be playing one. It will be difficult for American Ninja 2: The Confrontation to live up to the previous not knowing anything about ninja standards set by Ninja 3: The Domination, in which a ninja is a crazy person/ghost who wants nothing more than to kill everyone everywhere, and Unmasking the Idol, wherein a ninja is a middle aged man who has bedroom eyes and a chain mail Eyes Wide Shut costume. Ian Hunter was actually in the original cut of Eyes Wide Shut but he was covered by digital furniture as the producers found his apparel and demeanor obscene. Can this possibly know less about ninjas then the previous ninja movies? Let’s find out together.

This was made during the downturn of the Golan and Globus run at Cannon Films. Though the Assault had won the Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film the year before, the amount of foreign language and art films that Cannon was financing with the ninja movies, along with the disastrous purchase of an upside down theater chain had numbered the days for Yoram and Menahem. This was when budgets at Cannon started dropping below 500k, reportedly. Several years later it would be discovered that all of the numbers were outright lies. For example this film was reported to cost $350k and make 4 million dollars. That is an outright lie. The only somewhat reliable report on the return was that it’s opening 10 day was a little over 1.5 million, which makes it seem like getting to 4 would have been more than a little miraculous. Though the budget was probably above $350k, it was also most likely much less than Firstenberg would have thought. This didn’t stop him from bringing the ruckus however. Most reviews of the time praise the action, which to me is mind blowing. It also was sidelined for a couple of recuts to get the R Rating, why is more strange. The cited problem was for excessive close ups during fight scenes. I am not sure how excessive fighting close ups could get a movie towards NC17. Did the original cut have a great deal of ECU ball punching? Did Steve James punch a guy in the butt causing his eyeballs to come out of his head like in Total Recall? Would that even get an NC17?

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Unmasking the Idol

Unmasking the Idol
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Worth Keeter's first Duncan Jax film is one of the film-world's must undiscovered gems. It's a glorious romp of all things awesome. If you like any fun film ever, then Unmasking the Idol is right up your alley. It's banana's in the best manner.

Somehow Unmasking the Idol has gone under the radar since its debut 30 years ago. Only 88 user ratings exist on IMDB (including the rating we gave). Host of Stinker Madness, Justin, has it as his 10th favorite bad movie of all time. That is enough right there to have this movie have at least 100 user ratings on IMDB.

Imagine a film with a ninja baboon. Not just a baboon that is dressed in a ninja costume for cuteness. Boon, the Baboon, is an actual ninja. He kills people. And then he has a bad attitude on top of it.

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Prelude to Unmasking the Idol

Prelude to Unmasking the Idol
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A little known film from 1986 that features untold amounts of ninjas, treasure, espionage, ninjas, 3-wheeler's, a baboon, a bad-ass Ford Ranger, and so many balloons comes to the show. This is one movie you won't want to miss.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsThe 5th Wave - StarzLondon Has Fallen - NetflixThe Wild Card - Who Wins in a Knife FightBoon (Unmasking the Idol) vs. Clyde (Every Which Way But Loose)About Unmasking the Idol (1986) - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

The only thing you need to know is that Duncan Jax is the world’s most dangerous ninja, I guess. It is a rare occasion when a film applies a lower functional knowledge of ninjas than the Cannon Films library, but a rare occasion this is. Red rare, like the red of a baboon’s butt. If you like the red of a baboon’s but then you won’t be disappointed by this film. Yes that’s right there is a baboon in this movie. 

One could really question if this is a ninja movie, or an animal side kick film. One could also question whether this is a James Rip off or an Indiana Jones rip off. Thankfully the answer to those and all the other questions about this film is “yes”. You can actually play a fun game with this film where you start to ask a question and then in the middle of it just say the word “yes”. For example: “Is he about to?”… “yes”, “Is that baboon going to use that on?”… “yes”.  You can go on and on. I feel like the answer to most of the questions at the end of the full episode are going to simply be “yes”.

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Ninja III: The Domination

Ninja III: The Domination
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A deceased magical ninja with questionable motives possesses a telephone line working/aerobics instructor and gets her to revengify a bunch of cops who blew the ninja away (justifiably). Meanwhile, lasers, gymnastics, so much magic, and awful effects abound. Plus back hair and V8!

Ninja III may be the worst movie Cannon ever made. We're talking about Cannon here remember. This thing stinks so bad. The story is incredibly dumb/nonexistant, the action is completely ridiculous, the acting is awful, the shots are poorly staged, the effects are horrendous, dialogue is unbelievable and the complete lack of understanding life/people/reality is abundant. With that in mind, it adds up for so much fun. Wow, what a great bad movie.

It's a film like this that makes us feel lacking as reviewers of film, because this thing is just indescribable. Roger Ebert may not have been able to really figure out what Ninja III is. But watch it, I mean look at our star ratings for it!

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Prelude to Ninja III: The Domination

Prelude to Ninja III: The Domination
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This episode of the famed SM show, we put on our best disguises, pull out our tree-climbing ropes, and get ready to assassinate one of Cannon's most ridiculous films brought to the big screen. Like a ninja this film is disguised as a ninja film but it's 100% banana business. Plus the whole thing is free on YouTube! Thanks Paramount Vault!

Full time fan and part time contributor @MartiniShark shares his bombs of Summer 2016 list. Good stuff here. https://t.co/jp0St4fh4p

— Stinker Madness (@StinkerMadness) September 5, 2016Streaming Do's and Don'tsJaws - NetflixJaws II - NetflixJaws 3 - NetflixJaws: The Revenge - NetflixThe Wild Card - Pop Quiz, Hotshot - Ninja EditionQ: The word/kanji for Ninja didn't appear until the 20th century. What were they called before then?Q: First record of Ninja?Q: The ninja star, or Shuriken is probably the most notorious weapon used by ninjas. What was it's primary function? Q: Describe the garb of the ninja?Q: What is a kusarigama?Q: What's a kunoichi?About Ninja III: The Domination - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Sam Firstenberg is always first, when it comes to ninjas, or movies about ninjas, or movies that are supposed to have ninjas in them but really only have ninjas in the title and then the movie contains oddly dressed villains or heroes appearing as what the good people at Cannon Films would like us to believe are ninjas. Ninja III takes it’s first departure from reality by adding the number 3 to its name and trying to convince us, the savvy audience, that this is the final installment of a trilogy and not just the third ninja themed film that cannon put out starring Sho Kosugi. Firstenberg had previously directed Revenge of the Ninja, which should have been called Revisiting of the Last Ninja Script we did With a Kid Added. I went into greater detail on Firstenberg and his seemingly endless ninja/samurai filmography when we previously viewed American Ninja, which was Firstenberg and Golan’s righting of Cannons ninja ship that becomes lost at sea due to this film. So go back and listen to the prelude from American Ninja if you want to hear about it because I have new ground to cover, but not bodies to cover, because one of them is already covered – in hair.

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Firewalker

Firewalker
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Chuck Norris, Louis Gosset Jr, and Melody Anderson go on a wild ride through various adventures on the way to get treasure. Along the way the face alligators, sinking cars, rebels, gang-rape village, the Mexican Gestapo, their own visual appearance, and elaborate aboriginal death traps. Sounds ridiculous? It is indeed.

Firewalker is Golan and Globus' take on the very popular and quite good, Romancing the Stone. In fact, it's a veritable carbon copy of the film but with your typical Cannon Films ineptitude. It's writing is completely out of control stupid, the entire plot is irrelevant to itself, characters have strange motivations and are generally unneeded, the acting stinks, the cast possesses zero charm or chemistry, and the action sequences are written by children.

The comedic duo of Norris and Gosset Jr may not have quite the reputation as Abbot and Costello, or Laurel and Hardy but they shouldn't either. These are two of the least comedic people imaginable. Neither of them have any concept of delivery or timing. But in their defense there's not a lot to work with either. You might say that each joke is a classic "Dad Joke". Sounds awful, but somehow this film transcends bad comedy and comes around making it funny. It's one of those "this joke is so bad and not funny that it becomes funny" movies. Halfway through the movie your brain is so dumbed down that you end up laughing unironically at these stupid lines. Great stuff.

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Prelude to Firewalker

Prelude to Firewalker
Manimal
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Charles Norris returns again for his 3rd appearance on the show in a teamup with awful acting staple, Louis Gossett, Jr. in Firewalker. A film that appears to be a complete knockoff of Indiana Jones or Romancing the Stone or take your pick. Can Chuck Norris bring the comedy that he's so well known for? Or will this be as laughable as toothpaste?

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Re: My superpower of electromagnetic telekinesis at a cost:

@StinkerMadness use power on small stuff for a Domino affect. Fry a single necessary wire to cripple city blocks, o e braincell to kill? 9

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Commando

Commando
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Our good movie friend Tucker (If We Made It Podcast) stops by to discuss one of the greatest/stupidest action movies of all time. Be prepared for ridiculous (hilarious) Arnold impressions.

Commando is so iconic and such a staple in "men with guns" movies that it's hard to avoid and impossible to dislike. It's level of over-the-top is unequaled that for the next 15 years in film, every action movie attempts to be Commando but none have come close. It's the model, but at the same time it's SOOOOO stupid.

So the plot...John Matrix must confront a fat man in a yarn shirt who isn't the main villain to rescue his daughter who probably is just really bored. Along the way there is an incredible amount of ridiculousness but SOOO much awesomeness as well as Arnold tears through a ludicrous amount of bad guys. It's very easy to understand Matrix's motivations but every other character really doesn't have any. Why is Cindy so involved? What could Bennett possibly have to gain? How does Dan Hedaya's guy possibly expect to take over a country while he's just hanging out at home off the coast of California? None of it makes any sense.

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Prelude to Commando

Prelude to Commando
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To purge ourselves from the misery of last weeks movie we dowse ourselves in awesomeness and then light ourselves on fire (that was all figurative, in no way do we endorse lighting yourself on fire...unless you're a total tool, then go for it) and let Arnold take the show over it the quintessential action movie of the 1980s (maybe even ever) but still incredibly dumb, Commando.

Fall SMABFA ContendersBen-Hur - Uh, you know you screwed up here.Nine Lives - Thanks for telling our kids they are stupid and will like anything. Their not and they hated this.The Mechanic: Resurrection - Statham takes a shot at getting that Best Bad Movie title. Possible surprise one here.Rings - So what? Sumara lives in Netflix now? Come on it worked (barely) with VHS but 20 years later is too much later....The Wild Card - Good Neighbor, Bad NeighborJoan Crawford - Mommie DearestThe Waits Family - Troll 2Mike Roark - VolcanoHarry Dalton - Dante's PeakAbout Commando (1985) - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Mark L. Lester is making his second, but most likely not last visit, to Stinker Madness from the directors chair. His first film we covered was, of course, Showdown in Little Tokyo. This week's film Commando, is among his most popular, along side the cult classic Class of 1984 and the John Candy vehicle, Armed and Dangerous. Fortunately for us Lester is still turning out stinkers. His most recent effort is 2014's Dragons of Camelot, and it looks like a lot, of bull shit.

Commando would mark the first collaboration of two Hollywood Heavyweights, the late great James Horner and Matthew F. Leonetti. For all it's failings Commando manages to rise above it's dubious ending, silly bad guy and most of it's contemporaries. I attribute this to the combination of music and visuals that carry the bulk of the film. I can't ever decide if this or the score from 48 hours is what I consider to be the seminal 80's action movie score. Ultimately I don't have to, James Horner did both. Though Jerry Goldsmith was doing some great things, they were a more traditional orchestral score. Horner was pushing the limits of with a full sound that would strike the viewer with nearly abrasive high notes. When I think of action scores, I think of James Horner.

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License to Drive

License to Drive
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The Corey's team up to help Haim get his drivers license and bang a girl. Along the way, they go on a slew of crimes mostly involving reckless endangerment but also sexual assault and child pornography in a showcase of how horrible the 80's were. Not even Heather Graham and Carol Kane can save this.

This film is a pukefest of 80's trends, stupidity, and selfishness. It's a perfect capsule of something that is horrible. So yes, it captures the essence of the decade but the decade sucks and so does this film. Sorry lovers of Aquanet. 

Feldman is passable and the least annoying of the two but that's not saying much. Corey Haim's performance and character are awful and within 20 minutes you just want Les (Haim) to crash the car and explode or just get grounded and actually follow the punishment by staying in his room for the duration of the film. Heather Graham's Mercedes Lane is a testament of how bad this film stinks. They've made an 18 year old, arguably the hottest woman in Hollywood look like a circus clown in an insane asylum. Her character is supposed to be this dream girl, but she's a trainwreck and soon to be buying a bus ticket to former porn star town. She's not a nice girl.

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Prelude to License to Drive

Prelude to License to Drive
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The "Coreys" make their official first appearance on the show with the 80's cheesefest about teenagers getting driver's licenses. This sounds like a recipe for disaster as the 80's sucked, teenagers suck and drivers training sucks the worst! At least Heather Graham is easy on the eye-balls.

Streaming Roman Do's and Don'tsMetamorphosis: The Alien Factor (1990) - IMDBHired to Kill (1990) - IMDBSteele Justice (1987) - IMDBWild Card - The Great Superpower Debate

Spit! The Acne Cure - 7 out of 10

Special Guest - Jackson Murphy

Jackson from the Lights Camera Jackson film review blog stops in and shares with us his picks for the first half of 2016 for the SMABFA awards. He's also doing an incredible charity promotion for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. We urge all of you to contribute and follow Jackson through his fundraiser and his career. He's a great guy.

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Rambo III

Rambo III
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John Rambo comes to us in the third installment of the First Blood/Rambo franchise in the pinnacle of 80's over the top action. It's fun, it's stupid, its violent, and ridiculous. But in the year 2016 and how much we don't really care for ethnic cleansing, it's also a little offensive.

If Rambo had been left in Afghanistan for about 3 months, the world certainly would be a different place than it is today and it's anybody's guess whether it would be better or worse. It could go either way, because sure he kicks the Russkies asses but he also teams up with the Mujahideen and I'm not sure that he didn't honestly believe they were worth fighting with. At no point does it seem anyone questioned the motives of the Mujahideen during filmmaking. They were fighting the Russians so I guess that must mean they are the good guys. It wouldn't take much longer before we learned that they were genocidal assholes. Ooo, poor taste in pals, John.

Bullets and fire are allergic to Rambo, he has teleportation powers, and he's suddenly an expert horseman. He can fly choppers, drive tanks, use booby traps and shows how deadly glow sticks are. It's loads of stupid fun.

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Prelude to Rambo III

Prelude to Rambo III
John Rambo vs John Rambo
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Carolco decides its destiny by spending too much on a ridiculous film that involves a man causes fire and bullets to steer clear. It's the Stallord's one jillionth appearance on the show and we haven't even gotten to Tango & Cash, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot or Cliffhanger!

Streaming Do's and Don'tsReign of Fire - StarzDown n' Dirty - Amazon Prime The Wild Card - Who would win in a knife fight?

John Rambo (First Blood) vs John Rambo (First Blood: Part 2)

About Rambo III - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Fired, fired, fired, every one gets fired! The main production theme of Rambo 3 would be Stallone firing everyone at one point or another. Harry Kliener who wrote the scripts for Bullitt and Red Heat was hired to write the film. Then fired because Stallone didn't like the draft. Russell Mulcahy who we will of course remember as an Ausploitation import, directing such films as Razorback and Highlander, would be fired two weeks in. Replacement Peter MacDonald was the second unit director. He would end up shooting portions of the film himself as 3 cinematographers were all fired. Israel was chosen as a shooting location but as there were too many shooting restrictions the whole country was fired and they just shot in Arizona. They ran into a group of civil war re-enacters when getting to Arizona. The group boasted a membership of over 250. They weren't fired, however it makes me wonder what the original extras plan was if they just happened into these fellow and were subsequently able to then shoot the battle scenes. Jerry Goldsmith also wasn't fired, he did however do an entire score that Stallone didn't like, Stallone like the music from Rambo 2 better, which was also written by Goldsmith so he lucked out and didn't get fired.

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Mommie Dearest

Mommie Dearest
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In 1981, Faye Dunaway took the role of Joan Crawford and then thought she was on a one way track to Oscar Town. Instead, her completely unbelievable performance bought her a bus ticket to Razzieville. We take on this cult classic and try to determine the ultimate question of "Is it really that bad or good?"

So there's truly only one thing to talk about regarding this film. It's Faye Dunaway's performance. So much has been said about this role and her completely ridiculous take on being an insane person. You can't take her seriously. The character is doing completely horrible things that bear no semblance to anything a rational person would do but Faye's take on it is outlandish. It's impossible and by far the most interesting part of the whole damn thing. Unfortunately, her freak outs are too few and far between.

The rest of the film is painfully uninteresting. You're stuck wading through mooping around waiting for Joan to drink to much and throw a tissy fit. It's poorly paced, poorly written, and poorly edited. Characters disappear, others age at different speeds, makeup failed, plot points are dialed down (Joan's revolving lover door, her excessive drinking, her random insane speeches) and throughout you're disappointed because it's tedious but seriously not as bad as billed. The shots are well done, set design is great and directing is competent. It's truly not bad enough.

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Prelude to Mommie Dearest

Prelude to Mommie Dearest
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One of the most prolific bad movies of all time finally lands on the show with Jackie's choice in the Faye Dunaway "acted" biography adaptation of Mommie Dearest. It's the story of Joan Crawford and her very progressive and seemingly quite fair treatment of stolen baby, Christina. So many Razzie wins but will it hold up to the Stinker Madness treatment?

Streaming Do's and Don'tsTwisted Justice - Amazon PrimeProject Metalbeast - YouTubeStriking Distance - StarzThe Wild Card - The Great Superpower Debate

Fart force fields - 4 out of 10 stars

 

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The Last Dragon

The Last Dragon
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Sam brings us the least karate "karate" movie to ever exist with martial arts being replaced by romance, music, dancing, neon, sassy children, and pizza. While this may sound like something you want to put your head through a wall for, The Last Dragon is truly awesome.

The Last Dragon is the tale of a kung fu obsessed teenager who is the son of a pizza restaurateur on a journey to be the best at kung fu. His adventures are endangered by The Shogun of Harlem, Sho Nuff and Arkadian, who wants to use his love interest to further his own fortune. Well that seems sorta straight-laced but this film is one of the silliest things we've done.

The comedic acting is by far the high point of this film. Juluis Carry (Sho Nuff) and Leo O'Brien (kid brother) particularly stand out. They are completely over the top and hilarious. Brava good sirs. On the other side, Vanity stinks. Her songs are awful and she slugs through them as if she drank a gallon of vodka first. Blech.

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Justin
Good catch. Apologies to Herr Starr.
Wednesday, 29 June 2016 20:35
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Prelude to The Last Dragon

Prelude to The Last Dragon
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This week on the podcast Sam brings in a movie that made him quite angry as a child but then grew to love it's non-kung-fu ways. It's 1985's The Last Dragon in which a "kung fu" guy tries to achieve something called "The Glow".

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@StinkerMadness Ah yes, this one is better than 10-10-220-Evil imo

— Jags Movie Guy (@MoviePaul) June 13, 2016

@StinkerMadness what!! How can you not like Blind Fury?!?!? I'm fucking shit of your shit! All Hail Queen Jackie

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