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Prelude to Splash

Prelude to Splash
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Presented by Seaman's Spermicidal Jelly, the number one brand in sea-ferrer/manitee contraception.

Jackie rolls the dice on whether a bunch of a list talent with a fantasy plot idea has the chance to make a bad movie in the Tom Hanks/Darryl Hannah/John Candy/Eugene Levy/Ron Howard classic "Splash". Plus more movie trivia and the usual nonsense.

Justin tells us what the three worst human/animal relationship films:

3. Indiana Jones and the Nazi Monkey - Raiders of the Lost Ark - The monkey is a Nazi and makes Jones think that his lady friend is dead. Whatta dick.

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Malibu Express

Malibu Express
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It's time to step onto the Malibu Express (hope you can get past security) and get into the shower (it's ok to stare at the camera) as Andy Sidaris gives us the epic booby movie that is Malibu Express.

This one's got it all: Guns, girls, glitz, boobs, racing, helicopters, grenades, ad-libbed lines, fast cars, faster women, yacht clubs, international espionage, more boobs, and soooo much more boobs.

We also want to thank Arlene Sidaris for all her help and support on making this episode possible. Arlene is why we all still have access to the Andy Sidaris library and so we wish her love and thanks for keeping these movies alive. Also please watch the film this week in full from Mill Creek Productions:

And don't hesitate to buy the "Girls, Guns and G-Strings" Andy Sidaris 12 movie pack from http://www.andysidaris.com/Shop.htm. It's a hell of a deal at only $9.98.  You can also buy some sweet posters from the site and a book about Andy Sidaris.  Really cool stuff.

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Flash Gordon

Flash Gordon
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Let the war for Planet Mongo begin! Its the QB of the New York Jets vs. Max Van Sydow's evil eyebrows, endless robots (are they robots?) and people that bleed oil. This is one bad movie...that rules.

Sam J. Jones from Playgirl and The Dating Game fame takes on the complex and emotionally challenging role of Flash Gordon, a guy who gains super fighting skills when holding things somewhat shaped like footballs. When the evil guy from Planet Mongo makes the weather of the world gets pretty messed up and natural disasters happen such as "Volcano, Volcano Eruption and Hot Hail", Flash Gordon must fall asleep on space rocket, fall in love by holding hands, and then wander around a few planet/moons/asteroids until he can unite the tribes of Mongo in order to stop Emperor Ming.

This film is really really really bad. It's fun, I'll disclaim, but it truly is a giant train wreck. It's made on the scale of a Cecil B. DeMille movie but looks about as good as a Roger Corman film. It's ridiculous. The set pieces are giant, the costumes are lavish and the visual effects are outlandish. But each piece is super super super dumb.

The story is truly stupid. Ming's motivations are pretty vague. We guess he wants to destroy the world because the citizens of Earth knows who he is. So Flash falls asleep on a rocket that ends up on Ming's homeworld. Ming doesn't like him because he's handsome or maybe it's because he's incredibly stupid and a bit of a dick. Flash must unite some planets of guys that don't make sense to take down Ming and his empire that doesn't make sense.

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Never Too Young to Die

Never Too Young to Die
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What happens if you turn a gymnast into an action hero, a trashy whore into super spy, James Bond into a Ben-Gay ad, and Gene Simmons into a lady-boy? Why you get this DTV gem of a movie, duh! Uncle Jesse saves the world from dirty water and Gene Simmons gives us a "too believable" performance. YEEEEAHH!

So John Stamos plays Lance Stargrove, a gymnastic champ who's father is a top secret agent (played by George Lazenby). When Lance's father dies preventing a group of hooligans from doing something unknown, Stargrove must take over the family business and stop Velvet Von Ragner (Gene Simmons), a transgender sociopath with dreams of world domination (we guess). Stargrove is helped out by Danja (Vanity) and his tech buddy Cliff (Peter Kwong).

Some bad movies have a great beginning and a great ending but the middle is dry and dull. This is often due to lack of a budget or lack of imagination in the writing. Never Too Young to Die is not one of those films. This thing comes in hot and never cools down with scene after scene of shenanigans that you look for in a classic stinker. From the unforgettable theme song (entitled Stargrove, naturally) to the climatic and preposterous battle on top of a dam between Stargrove and Von Ragner, this one is solid gold.

Stamos and Simmons deliver incredibly memorable performances and attempt to duke it out on who is the most ridiculous. Stamos being an action hero is tremendously silly with his gymnastics, smooth hair and his Warner Bros cartoon style of love-making. Yet, Simmons takes the cake. His performance is almost too good and makes us have some serious questions about Gene in the 80s. 

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Teen Witch

Teen Witch
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Hang on to your eye of newt and your spider legs! You're about to drink a powerful witch's brew of bad movie business. Betrayal, conceit, lust, and greed take over this week in a trip back to the 80's. You're going to be the most popular girl!

This movie is nanners. It seems amazingly offensive to just about any group of people in the world, including females, teenagers, morals, parents, teachers and probably even witches. The witch trials were a better era for witches than Teen Witch. The movie is about an unpopular girl in high school who uses magic powers to win the heart of a statutory rapist, in the process ruins the life of her friends and family. She's an awful person. Her beau is about the biggest b-hole in the world so they may be perfect for each other but combined they are like Stalin marrying Lizzie Borden. Pure evil!

Most people will note this film for its horrible music. Rap battles, cheer songs about boys, on stage performances from a Sheena-E knockoff, the list goes on. The interesting thing about the music is the sheer volume which lends this film to be considered a musical, however we can't agree because each of the musical sequances take place in the reality of the world and the world is presented as if it is our world. I think these musical pieces aren't there for pure entertainment like true musicals do; they are there because they are part of the characters life. It's pretty weird. However, each musical number is purely ridiculous and can each be viewed on their own for their LOL-ability.

This is truly a bad movie. The irony is that in its offensiveness it brings together people of all genders, races, creeds, and colors in the level of enjoyment of how bad it is. If everyone in the world enjoyed bad movies as much as we do, this film would be the primary force for world peace. It transcends bad. It's story is as preposterous as The Room, the pure 80s garbage as Milli Vanilli, yet as enjoyable as tough guy bad movies as Deathrace 2000, Invasion USA and Hard Target. Teen Witch is a must see for any movie fan.

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Prelude to Teen Witch

Prelude to Teen Witch

Magic (and baloney) is in the air this week as we prepare ourselves for Jackie's pick; a dancicul knock-off of Teen Wolf.  Plus the usual other 0.5 episode stuff. Listen to it before we hex you!

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