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America 3000

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Arguably the most unique of post-apocalyptic films and Cannon Group's darling, it's also one of the most under-rated budget films of history. This is a big deal folks and 2/3 Stinker Madness host's favorite b-movie.

PA films commonly suffer from their own existence. Most only take place in a "nuked" world because, welll... the desert is just right there. So they shoot this crappy $0 action film in a post-apocalyptic world because it's super cheap to do. The world they live in isn't even the focus. Then tack on a bunch of b-movie tropes (cars with random crap bolted on it, skimpy lady outfits, the chef-d'œuvre usually in the form of a head coming off or exploding at some point) and you've just got a bunch of people chasing each other around in the dirt. Whoopee!

America 3000 busts directly through all that, possibly accidentally, and tells a multi-layered, universe-driven story, where the focus is shifted away from giant radioactive cockroaches or Zardoz-like swinger communities, and into a world with deep political divides, GofT style conspiracies and plotting, societal conflicts and complications and humanitarian issues. All while fitting in a balding Sasquatch and a Hal Needham level of chaos battle-scene.

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Hawkeye

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Steer clear of the police in Las Vegas in 1988 is the absolute message of this super-budget gem of a tough cop movie. Penalties for being alive are getting kicked in the face while walking down a hallway and being beat to death while sitting in a chair.

Hawkeye (1988) is a film that does not showcase the talents of a guy with a bow and arrow. It instead showcases the talents of a guy who is not Eddie Murphy and a guy who likes his Guess Jeans butt a bit too much. The matchup of Chuck Jeffreys and George Chung is bad-movie comedy gold. They are ridiculous, horribly corrupt, and clueless in all aspects of life. 

Yet despite being inept, corrupt, racist, torture approving, innocent person shooting/punching/kicking, "shit-packing", girlfriend neglecting, sons-of-bitches the pair of Wilson and Hawkamoto are an absolute blast to follow around in their awful policing. This is a must do.

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Savage Streets

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Somehow we've managed to stay clear of Linda Blair, which is strange because she's very easy to bump into. Here she's showcasing the gals, while running a gang of gals, and find revenge (eventually) after taking an hour and fifteen minutes to be pushed over the edge.

Somehow Savage Streets manages to be a mashup of about every 80's budget genre. It's a slasher, a sex-romp, a revenge jobber, and a roller-skating boogie in the vein of Grease. Yet it manages to miss being a Romeo & Juliet, a vigilante justice story and Dangerous Minds. It's pretty bizarre in how much territory it covers while failing to get to the plot for one hour.

Boobs. Wow. Lots and lots. This high school that Linda Blair's Brenda attends must have some rigorous testing for enrollment. You must be:

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No Holds Barred

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People that make TV shows, write a script in 72 hours while blasting through piles of cocaine, that showcases their complete lack of knowledge about making TV shows. It's Rip v Zeus in The Battle of the Tough Guys that can only end in one way.... murder!

Nothing can describe the (at that time) WWF in the late 80s like No Holds Barred. Hulk is the #1 guy in the phony man-fighting and his entire schtick is on display here. There's no difference between the character of Rip and Hulk Hogan. Imagine a film called "Morgue Work" starring The Undertaker who's character name is Mortician Jim. Rip loves the kids, he loves his family and he loves making snorting sounds....just like Hulk Hogan. Which leads me to believe that Terry Hogan had more to do with writing this POS then Vince McMahon. I like to envision Terry writing in crayon in a furor while McMahon murders prostitutes in the corner.

Vince (covered in blood): Terry, you need any help over there? I've run out of prostitutes to murder. I could help out for a bit.

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The Running Man

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Despite its satirical nature and heavy social commentary, The Running Man drops the ball (or the hockey puck) before the goal and trips into the net, bashes into the goalpost, gets the ball stuck in its facemask, and suffers multiple self-inflicted concussions. Well...at least it didn't murder it's ex-wife and her lover. WHOA!! TOO SOON!

1987's The Running Man is one of those "oh, so close" to being good films, but as we see time and time again, men in ties get in the way and say "We gotta ham this up! We got Arnold so its has to be stupid, right?" There is just enough left of Stephen King's novella in here that you feel like you should be able to see past the caricature of entertainment and find meaning in its messages. Time for some deep reflection, right? Well no. Time to slap your forehead in missed opportunity grief.

Its still a fun stinker, and it's unintended wackiness leaves the viewer with more joy than grief. Do NOT misunderstand though, this is NOT Commando. There is a level of tedium within and for its ridiculous nature is a little empty in content here and there. There is lots of sequences of...well...running. Running, running, running, explosion, new stalker, running, running, running, the resistance, running, running, explosion, repeat.

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Christmas Evil

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When your mom has a beard on her knee from a man who may or may not be your dad or Santa, you're best option is to obsess over Christmas until you're in your thirties and then you go all Buffalo Bob so that you can become the actual Santa. Not just copy cat. Actually Santa.

Christmas Evil is arguably one of the strangest Xmas films ever created. It was made a time when horror movies tried to play on any holiday and the jingly time was no different. See (but don't watch) such films as Santa's Slay, Santa Claws, Don't Open til Christmas, Black Christmas, etc... However there's a complete banana-factor to this feature.

Unfortunately to get to that banana-factor you have to go through a fairly uneventful montage of a man going all Santa. The performances are all solid and the cinematography is competent especially considering this is a drive-thru film. So that leaves you with an hour of not really having much to do. It's quiet, slow-moving and leaves not much room for riffing. I wouldn't call it boring, per se, but if you're coming for a mover-this ain't the one.

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Pet Sematary

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"Don't do down that path, yah", the strange drunk man with dubious ambitions said to the new residents. Later he would take them on a wondrous adventure to bury a kitty-cat that he himself murdered. It was the strangest thing that week until the dead son came back as Little Lord Fauntleroy with super-powers.

Pet Sematary is just another in a long line of Stephen King movies that raked in the cash but not one theater attendee bothered to pay attention to what was happening on screen. The entire plot is bananas (and falls squarely into "the idiot plot") but that's the least biggest draw for fans of our show. It's all the elements around the plot, ie. the truckers who are clearly trying to break speed records, the undead cat that is just like any other cat, Gage acquiring super-powers upon being reanimated and that the family never asks "Who the hell is this Judd Crandall guy anyways?"

It's a beautiful disaster and truly pushes the boundaries of bad movie laugh-ability with horrific tragedy. I mean, think about it. You are laughing at a child getting ran over - the worst possible thing that could ever happen. Yet the movie is so bad and the production is so crap that you are laughing.... during the worst thing ever. That is one hell of an achievement in bad film-making. Hell even Tommy Wiseau didn't do that.

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Friday the 13th: A New Beginning

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We wrap up our Spooktober with a staple from a staple franchise and one of the strangest big box office horror films ever made. This is just a strange film starring "Jason" with lots of head choppins, boobs and a cast of some pretty unusual characters.

So Jason V is one weird film and frankly astounds that it ever frightened anyone...even children. It's seriously gentle in its horror, the plot is not frightening, Jason is not intimidating, and the gore is pretty mild. The MPAA really didn't help out this film at all as it's seriously cut down.

None of it lines up, of course, with any one who cares about continuity or character motivations. The killer doesn't know how revenge works. The hero doesn't know how idolatry works. The film-makers don't know how enchiladas work. It's stunny how little anything works.

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The Barbarians

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Imagine a film where the biggest idiot you could ever find is the lead, make him do a ton of steroids, be a general dickbag to his co-workers and then DOUBLE HIM!!!

In typical Cannon Group tradition, this movie is what you call, "not good", yet also "completely unbelievable". It is beyond the realm of standard imagination and can only come from breaking through the doors of perception, AKA doing a ton of coke. From concept to final cut, there's no way you can do a good job here. And that falls fully on the muscly shoulders of the Barbarian Brothers.

These two idiots... I can't even describe them. I'm empty on words. I guess the best that can be done is that the Jersey Shore invades a swords and sandals movie. They are terribly unlikable in either form or character. However, if you can get past how much you hate these two and appreciate them for being the worst pair in cinematic history, well... you're in for a good time.

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Maniac Cop

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With a deep stinker cast and the classic script-writing of Larry Cohen, we've got all the elements for an amazingly awesome bad movie. Robert Z'Dar becomes a murderous Frankenstein in pretty nonsensical plot with lots of action and bad acting to boot.

In a double plot of framing another cop for murders (without any evidence) and trying to kill the Mayor (who doesn't have a role) and the Commissioner (Richard Roundtree), Maniac Cop fails to achieve both of these things. It also fails to tell a full story. If a story consists of a beginning, a middle and an end, this film appears to be only the middle. The beginning of the story is only told briefly in exposition and a tiny flashback of hardly any new knowledge and then the end of the film appears to be a setup for just the next scene...that doesn't come.

It's also pretty difficult to define exactly what Maniac Cop is, not the movie but the character. Is he undead? Or is he just so brain-damaged that he's immune to death? If he's undead, is he a zombie? What the hell is he? Well we figure it out but we're gonna make you listen to the podcast to find out what Maniac Cop actually is.

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Real Men

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Jim Belushi and John Ritter team up in a screwball comedy about the CIA's top agent enlisting a mild-mannered insurance salesman in order to bring a glass of water of extra-terrestrials to save the world. With a plot like that, what could go wrong? Well...millions of things.

But none of those things happen here. This is buddy-cop comedy perfection.

Sometimes movies need to be revisited to know that film-goers blew it when the film was in theaters. Sometimes we talk about those films and their reputation as crummy-movies. We call those episodes, "Bad Movies Debunked" and this is one such movie.

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Return of the Living Dead

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Special Guest Comedienne Ronny Pascale of the SH*T Show: The PoopCast stops by to give us insight on how a zombie horde can effect the amount of doo-doo in your undies. Be sure to check out Ronny (on Twitter https://twitter.com/ronnypascale) and the SH*T Show (on Soundcloud  https://soundcloud.com/shttshow) for a ton of laughs!

Hey remember that time that Louisville, Kentucky was overrun by party zombies, nuked and then became even more overrun by zombies? Yeah us neither but this is a true story! At least the film says it is. True or false, this film shows that the living dead in the 80s can be just as much fun as your average group of teens who like sitting around a cemetery. Party! 

Return of the Living Dead  is a rare and special kind of film. While being a straight up zombie movie, it breaks through the cliche's and genre staples to have a wild and fun time. The comedy is top notch and the almost Zucker Bros. style of introspection on the genre is appreciated. Combine those eliminates with dripping 80s motifs, a killer soundtrack, amazing practical effects and stellar performances by the cast and this is a can't miss film.

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Red Sonja

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Conan rides through your screen once again but this time he's named Kalidor and he's not the main character. Instead, a non-action star shows us what non-action looks like in the least adventurous adventure movie ever made. Swords & Sandals? Check. Visual Valium? You betcha.

I don't know how this movie stinks so bad. It has your typical lady-hero plot of sword & sandal genre staples. Revenge for burning down the village. Ok. Wait, the villain burned down the village for subtle lesbian motivations? Wow, that sounds super hot. Well....it's not.

This is "walking around" the movie. Look, Frodo & Samwise walk to Mordor for a vacation from paradise and you can't take your eyes off it. Here, the entire world is about to be destroyed by cracking apart (again because of a jilted lesbian) and you can't keep awake.

For the most part, this is the fault of two people: 1) Dino De Laurentiss and 2) Brigidette Nielsen. Dino edited forced this turd out because he apparently couldn't get anything made that didn't involve Conan. And then Nielsen's terrible line delivery and even worse sword-fighting. The entire time she looks like she's afraid of the script (with good reason) and her sword hitting her in the face. This is not an action lady, folks. See Geena Davis in Cutthroat Island for more realistic stunts. Blech.

So long story short, this is just folks walking around. At best this is fun only because of the incredibly dubious plot, the fantastic matte-work, and the bonkers costumes and set design. Hope you don't like things happening in a film!

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:2-star
Cheesy effects:3-star
Horrendous acting:4-star
Laugh-out-loud-ability:3-star
Ridiculous stunts:2-star
Gratuitous nudity:1-star
Memorable one-liners:2-star
Riffability:4-star

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality: 3-star
Bad Movie Quality:5-star

Streaming Dos and Don'ts

  • Doberman Cop - DVD
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Lizzie, apparently we aren't going to be able to use archive.org for some reason anymore. I've uploaded the episode to our server ... Read More
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Speed Zone

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When you really need to make a sequel to the worst sequel ever made (Cannonball Run II) you better not call it Cannonball Run III. Instead call it Cannonball Fever (where you legally can), get the folks from SCTV and let Jamie Farr make an appearance. Add fast cars and hijinks. Shake and then serve.

The primary reason you want to come into this film is for the fast cars and ridiculous shenanigans when you mix cars and comedy. Well, this one delivers that in spades. From the very get go there are banana-stunts with cars all set to a comedic backdrop. See a Countach skip across a lake, see a BMW 5 series jump 30 feet, see a Jaguar XJS fly - really, really fly. We'll save the most insane stunt for the viewers at home but it involves a commercial airliner. 

While there are some serious duds for jokes here and there, there is legitimately good comedy here. The SCTV folks knew how to script a great joke about society and morals. You can see the difference between the chauvinism and grab ass comedy of the Burt Reynolds/Dom Deluise vision of the Great Gumball Rally to the mild, awkward comedy of John Candy and Eugene Levy.

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Gwendoline

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A French director, named Just Jaeckin, gives us a serious boobie movie with Tawny Kitaen, Brent Huff, and Zabou in which they find the land of the Yik Yak, an underground future society of topless women. Its got our record for the highest boob count to date!

Well imagine a movie where there's about 100 different topless women. So I know you can just stop and be happy with that. But there's so much more to this film than a cavalcade of hot cans. 

Brent Huff plays a rogue named Willard (more of the name of a local weatherman, than a movie hero), who is a supreme butthole. This guy is pretty hard to like as a person. If you've listened to the episodes of the show for Tom Boy or Teen Witch, you'll understand the level of douche the 80's pervade. Willard takes the cake. What a complete and total horrible human that we are later told by the film that he's just got a rough surface. Oof.

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9 Deaths of the Ninja

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Sho Kosugi makes his return for a second week in another oddball ninja movie where Sho plays a guy named "Ninja" but doesn't actually operate as a ninja. Instead he's a member of an elite force of anti-terrorism and drug trafficking controllers alongside Brent Huff and Emilia Crow. Hope you enjoy murder!

While still technically a ninja film, this is basically a buddy-cop movie with super agents instead of cops. The dynamic between the three members of DART (especially Kosugi and Brent Huff) is one of having a great time killing bad guys and seducing women. Lots of winks & guns and head shaking while the other struggles to dispatch villains. The chemistry works (despite all voices being dubbed) and is good for a laugh at each point. Imagine Andy Sidaris directing a ninja film (even though he kind of did).

Then there is the team of outlandish villains showcased by Blackie Dammett (fun fact: the father of Anthony Kiedis, yes THAT Anthony Kiedis) and Colonel HoneyHump (Regina Richardson). Blackie's Alby the Cruel is one of the silliest and neurotic nazi ever portrayed in film and is hilarious. Next to him stands HoneyHump who appears to be the toughest hot mercenary leader of a Hell Squadesque all female troupe of short-pants wearers. Recruited about halfway through the film comes in Rahji (Sonny Erang) who is part-caveman, part Jaws of James Bond fame and only has one line, "Heh heh heh". All three are completely ridiculous and make for show-stealers. We could have got a lot more of all of them.

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Rage of Honor

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When you want to have a freelance cop go outside of his jurisdiction to take down a drug-lord, you better make sure he's a ninja. Just make sure you never address how he became a ninja or address him as such. Its not fair to the other DEA agents to have a ninja in their ranks.

If you're down with a cop/ninja killing lots and lots of people without determining if they are a) bad, b) part of the plot or c) posing any threat to life or property, well this is a film for you. If you're down with various forms and iterations of any cliche' bad guy ever, this film is for you. If you like your lead to speak in unintelligible mumbles and your villain to pronounce words and names in a form you can't understand, this film is for you.

Let's face it, this film is for you.

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Shanghai Surprise

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Madonna and Sean Penn take a romantic honeymoon for their doomed marriage by filming a doomed movie. Imagine Raiders of the Lost Ark without any adventure and Romancing the Stone without any romance.

Now if one can come up with the plot thesis of this one, I'll give them a trophy. None of it makes a lick of sense. Character's motivations are dubious. Everyone's end game is devoid of existence. The best hypothesis we could make about this films plot doesn't work by the film's own rules. It's unfathomable.

Sean Penn and Madonna were a good match. They both stink at acting. It's obvious that Madonna is terrible but hey guess what! Academy Award winning actor Sean Penn stinks just as bad. Don't misjudge me, that Mystic River is damn fine, but how this guy got a role after Shanghai Surprise is...well...a surprise.

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Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

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When it comes to making a title that is indicative of the plot, well this one nails it. Take 33% LA noir detective business, 33% chainsaw murders and 33 1/3% dancing topless hookers and you've got one of Fred Olen Ray's masterpieces. Hard to not love this blast o' laughs.

HCH (to save time) is hilarious...and quite intentionally. It's the opinion of this writer that Fred Olen Ray could have easily linked up with the Zucker Brothers and Jim Abrahams. If only he had been involved during Jane Austen's Mafia. It may have not been the turd that it was. There's plenty of slapstick and parody that keep the viewer focused on the jokes more than the huge boobs (which is quite the achievement).

Then there's the cast. Wowie. Its a cavalcade of silly performances mixed with killer comedic timing that really take this movie about boobs from a late-night wankfest into a 90% on Rottentomatoes.com. Linnea Quigley, John H. Richardson, Michelle Bauer, and Dukey Flyswatter (Michael Sonye) kill in front of the camera and put on a clinic of how to make a low-budget movie one heck of of a great time. It should also be noted that friend of the program, Christopher Olen Ray, appears as Kid at Bar, who gives the lead quite the snark while enjoying a fancy martini in a dingy "get stabbed" strip joint. Standing ovation.

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Prelude to Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

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Jackie brings in the first Fred Olen Ray film in that old tale of hookers on a hellbent rampage with some nasty chainsaws and lots of boobies.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsDeathrace 2050 - NetflixThe Pumaman - MST3K - Netflix or YouTube OR without MST3K on YouTubeThe Wild Card - Good Neighbor, Bad Neighbor Couple's EditionTarzan and JaneBarney and Betty RubbleJoker and Harley QuinnAbout Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Fred Olen Ray has directed 16 films since the last time we talked about him, in fact he directed 3 films before I could get to the end of this sentence. Recently he commandeered Van Damme and Segal in order to highjack the Sniper franchise, Billy Zane liked it so much he’s pissing his pants right now. In total Ray has directed nearly 150 films. Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers is among his more popular films which would also include Bad Girls From Mars, Beverly Hills Vamp, Cyclone and the Wynorski collaborative effort Dinosaur Island.

Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer will team up for this romp, though I hope they would team up on me… Quigley has been called the “Queen of the B’s” while Bauer is the Queen of my B-oner. Not just a clever nick name Quigley has 144 acting credits and none of them are in good movies. Also not just a clever nick name Michelle Bauer has given me a boner right now. Other frequent Fred Olen Ray contributors Jay Andrews and Dukey Flyswatter will also appear in the film.

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