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Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers
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When it comes to making a title that is indicative of the plot, well this one nails it. Take 33% LA noir detective business, 33% chainsaw murders and 33 1/3% dancing topless hookers and you've got one of Fred Olen Ray's masterpieces. Hard to not love this blast o' laughs.

HCH (to save time) is hilarious...and quite intentionally. It's the opinion of this writer that Fred Olen Ray could have easily linked up with the Zucker Brothers and Jim Abrahams. If only he had been involved during Jane Austen's Mafia. It may have not been the turd that it was. There's plenty of slapstick and parody that keep the viewer focused on the jokes more than the huge boobs (which is quite the achievement).

Then there's the cast. Wowie. Its a cavalcade of silly performances mixed with killer comedic timing that really take this movie about boobs from a late-night wankfest into a 90% on Rottentomatoes.com. Linnea Quigley, John H. Richardson, Michelle Bauer, and Dukey Flyswatter (Michael Sonye) kill in front of the camera and put on a clinic of how to make a low-budget movie one heck of of a great time. It should also be noted that friend of the program, Christopher Olen Ray, appears as Kid at Bar, who gives the lead quite the snark while enjoying a fancy martini in a dingy "get stabbed" strip joint. Standing ovation.

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Prelude to Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

Prelude to Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers
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Jackie brings in the first Fred Olen Ray film in that old tale of hookers on a hellbent rampage with some nasty chainsaws and lots of boobies.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsDeathrace 2050 - NetflixThe Pumaman - MST3K - Netflix or YouTube OR without MST3K on YouTubeThe Wild Card - Good Neighbor, Bad Neighbor Couple's EditionTarzan and JaneBarney and Betty RubbleJoker and Harley QuinnAbout Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Fred Olen Ray has directed 16 films since the last time we talked about him, in fact he directed 3 films before I could get to the end of this sentence. Recently he commandeered Van Damme and Segal in order to highjack the Sniper franchise, Billy Zane liked it so much he’s pissing his pants right now. In total Ray has directed nearly 150 films. Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers is among his more popular films which would also include Bad Girls From Mars, Beverly Hills Vamp, Cyclone and the Wynorski collaborative effort Dinosaur Island.

Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer will team up for this romp, though I hope they would team up on me… Quigley has been called the “Queen of the B’s” while Bauer is the Queen of my B-oner. Not just a clever nick name Quigley has 144 acting credits and none of them are in good movies. Also not just a clever nick name Michelle Bauer has given me a boner right now. Other frequent Fred Olen Ray contributors Jay Andrews and Dukey Flyswatter will also appear in the film.

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Gymkata

Gymkata
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USA Gold Medal magnet, Kurt Thomas, stars as John Cabot, a USA Gold Medal magnet/super secret agent/diplomat to strange lands. So he solo invades Parmistan, an absolutely insane country, to play "The Game" to get a satellite substation. Well that makes perfect sense!

Gymkata is serious shenanigans. It could be argued that it's the most bonkers movie we've reviewed and definitely the most poorly thought out. While most might focus on the unawesome martial art that combines gymnastics and karate (which puts it in the Streaming Do's and Don'ts realm) the country of Parmistan is our focus. Parmistan is impossible. It can't work. How does diplomacy work? Do they have foreign trade? Is their military only made of ninja or are they more like the secret police? Is there a system of government besides the Khan? I personally believe that someone, probably Pakistan, would have bombed Parmistan back into the Stone Age, but Parmistan never got out of the Stone Age so I guess bomb them back to the times of the dinosaurs (they may also have dinosaurs).

This is a really terrible movie. Sure, it's fun. But not fun in the usual manner. Take Megaforce for example. It's really bad but it's awesome. The action is awesome, the vehicles are awesome, the bad guy's awesome. It drips awesome. But Gymkata is the opposite. When Kurt Thomas fights guys using his special style it's quite not awesome. It's laughable at how dump it looks. If a child pretends to fight with Gymkata with their friends in the backyard, they are going to get beat up. It's a one way ticket to Bullytown.

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Prelude to Gymkata

Prelude to Gymkata
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This week on the podcast we gear up for one of the most notorious bad movies ever made and a hallmark of stupidity. When you need to invade a country that doesn't make any sense, send in an Olympic Gold Medalist!

The Wild Card - The Great Superpower Debate

Immunity to negative drug side effects - 7.75 out of 10 stars

The 2016 SMABFA NominationsBest Bad MovieThe Huntsman: Winter’s WarLondon Has FallenGods of EgyptMechanic: ResurrectionNine LivesZoolander 2The BoyIndependence Day: ResurgenceWorst Bad MovieMother’s DayAlice Through the Looking GlassWarcraftNow You See Me 2Batman v Superman: Dawn of JusticeSuicide SquadX-Men: ApocalypseGhostbustersAllegiantBest Bad ActorGerard Butler -  Gods of EgyptKevin Spacey – Nine LivesGerard Butler - London has FallenJason Statham – Mechanic: ResurrectionBrent Spiner – Independence Day: ResurgenceBill Pullman - Independence Day: ResurgenceChris Hemsworth -  Huntsman: Winter’s WarChristopher Walken – Nine LivesWorst Bad ActorJared Leto - Suicide SquadTye Sheridan – Xmen: ApocalypseBill Murray – GhostbustersDaniel Radcliffe – Now You See Me 2Jeff Goldblum – Independence Day: ResurgenceJohn Depp – Alice through the Looking GlassJesse Eisenberg – Batman V SupermanBest Bad ActressEmily Blunt - Huntsman: Winter’s WarCharlize Theron - Huntsman: Winter’s WarJessica Alba – Mechanic: ResurrectionGal Gadot: Batman V SupermanMargot Robbie - Suicide SquadKristen Wig - Zoolander 2Maika Monroe – 5th WaveVivica A. Fox – ID4; 2Penelope Cruz – Zoolander 2Anne Hathaway – Alice through the Looking GlassAubrey Plaza – Dirty GrandpaWorst Bad ActressJessica Alba – Mechanic: ResurrectionKate McKinnon – GhostbustersJennifer Aniston – Mother’s DayLizzy Caplan – Now You See Me 2Kate Hudson – Mother’s DayPenelope Cruz – Zoolander 2Cara Delevingne - Suicide SquadAnne Hathaway – Alice through the Looking GlassMia Wasikowska - Alice through the Looking GlassJennifer Garner – Nine LivesMST3K Riffibility Nine LivesBen-HurMechanic: ResurrectionIndependence Day: ResurgenceBatman V SupermanDirty GrandpaThe 5th WaveGods of EgyptHuntsman – Winter’s WarAbout Gymkata - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Kurt Thomas is the stuff of legend, gymnastically speaking. He was the first American man to win gold on the floor exercise at a world championship level. His prowess was such that he has two skills named after him, the Thomas Flair and the Thomas Salto. The Thomas Salto is described not only as difficult but dangerous. He was unable to win Olympic gold though being heavily favored due to the boycott of the 1980 Olympics by the US and the majority of the country’s political allies. Why you ask did we and many others boycott the 1980 Olympics, because it was in Moscow, and those commie bastards were totally harshing our mellow. Carter would officially boycott the games in protest that the USSR or any country for that matter would have the audacity to intervene in Afghanistan. We did something else besides just boycott the Olympics, the history books will remember a little thing called Rambo 3, The only thing you need to topple the soviet power in Afghanistan is a guy who hasn’t heard of a bath or haircut.

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She-Devil

She-Devil
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Roseanne gets "vengeance" upon a hubby-stealing romance novelist, by destroying her own life, abandoning her children, treating other's as pawns in her master plan, and exploiting the weak and trusting women in need that the films tells you she is freeing from oppression. This thing is a mondo-turd.

I hate this movie. I'll make no apologies to start. It's not funny. It's infuriatingly preposterous and at no point can one sympathize or appreciate any of the characters. They are the "basket of deplorables" that I believe Mrs. Clinton was speaking about; politics aside, she just hated these three people. Let's start with the easy spots: Ed Begley's Bob and Meryl Streep's Mary. The viewer isn't supposed to like them. They are the antagonists with Bob being an emotionally abusive and cheating husband (with a side order of being a buffoon) and Mary, an egotistical, spoiled and sociopathic bitch (for lack of a better word). Sure, they're the bad guys. You shouldn't like them. But in a comedy, you should enjoy them. In this POS, the screen-time shared between Begley and Streep comes across as a poor impression of The Three Stooges (minus 1). "Wow, aren't they zany!?" said the producer. The audience responds by pissing on said producer's pants.

Then there's ol' Ruth (Barr). Now she's had a rough go, right? Her husband's a twat, society told her that she's growdy and that darn Mary is just everywhere reminding her how inferior she is. So instead of taking a stand and defending herself against the offenses of her environment she plays along. She takes these punches and even stands by her cheating husband saying "He'll get bored of Mary and come back to me. I just need to be the good, dutiful wife until then." I'm sorry, you want him back? Strike one. Strike two is that you've let this happen before. The film subtly states that this isn't Bob's first escapade in cheating. Strike three, he's verbally abusive to you. I'm sorry but I feel that in even in sexist 1989, any woman that we should view as an inspiration should probably have told Bob at some point to eat shit. Yes I understand that abused women sometimes get a version of Stockholm Syndrome, but I'm not trying to make a point about reality. I'm making a point about a film that says that women shouldn't take no shit from no asshole, even if they are their husbands (and that is correct) but the film also states that hey, if you get lonely after you do, why not take him back? Screw this.

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Prelude to She-Devil

Prelude to She-Devil
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Roseanne Barr and Meryll Streep join up to deliver the yucks and yuck is what they deliver in a tale about a scorned middle-American housewife revengifying the atrocities committed upon her person and also liberating womankind from oppressions. She just makes things worse....

Listener Feedback

@StinkerMadness Inappreciate you guys redoing a whole show to get it on the air. Technical difficulties suck. It happens. Still funny 😂

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Brad Slager AKA @martinishark

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Tango & Cash

Tango & Cash
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Two cops find love in each other's egos, while attempting to clear their names from a villainous plot to take over the world's salted caramel industry. Stallone and Russell team up for one of the raddest buddy cop dumb-dumb rollercoaster. It's shenanigans.

Tango & Cash is incredibly stupid. There is absolutely no sense of reality here. The villain uses mice, that he loves,  to demonstrate his evilry. He owns monster trucks that have guns mounted on them. Hidden assassin's inside of mirrors (we think) & gun-shoes. Physics don't apply. Time and distance are more of guidelines...

Then there's the leads...wow do they love each other. Let me be clear, if this had been made today, they very well could have been the first openly gay supercops in a major motion picture. They really love each other on the inside and feel passionately about each other's genitals. I'm not making this up. Longing gazes at junk are quite frequent.

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Prelude to Tango & Cash

Prelude to Tango & Cash
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This week on the Stinker Madness Podcast, we tackle the classic "buddy" cop film from 1989 with Stallone and Russell in a weird incestuous love triangle, framed for murder, take down the vague bad guy, and enjoy some off-roading. It's Tango & Cash!

Streaming Do's and Don'tsMiracles Still Happen - YouTubeManiac Cop - Shudder.TV & FandorManhattan Chase - Amazon PrimePhenomena - Amazon PrimeThe Wild Card - The Great Superpower DebateBeing a Vulcan - 2.5/10 stars (Not good)About Tango & Cash - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Who is the man that gets into all of the Hollywood hang down competitions? Kurt Russell, that’s who. This week he will be comparing his star penis, I mean power, to that of one Sylvester Stallone. Apparently the two got along just fine as there was probably no illusions as to Stallone being the big boss on the picture. The caveats of Stallone pictures of the time are all there, firing the DP before shooting, starting to re-write the script after shooting starts, having more than one person rewrite the script without communicating with one another. Firing the director after the project has gone over budget by almost double. I guess Kurt saw that things were well in hand and didn’t bother making any more interference, Stallone would later praise him for being a real pro, despite Russell being the fall back option to Patrick Swayze who ditched the production for Road House. By the time the dust would settle on the set, there would be 4 directors including Stallone, 5 if you count Stuart Baird who is known for directing pictures in post-production and is Hollywood’s most rebound editing doctor, and there would be enough deleted scenes to make another movie. What remains is comedy gold. The largest feud during production was between Stallone who wanted it to be a very dark and brooding crime film and producer John Peters who wanted it to be a campy spoof of the popular buddy cop sub-genre. When you then bring in Baird to stir that pot together independently, you only get two things; Tango & Cash.

The cast list is almost as big as the repair bill on this thing. Terri Hatcher, Bryon James, Jack Palance, Geoffrey Lewis, James Hong, Robert Z’Dar, Michael Jeter, Clint Howard and many more, oh my!

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Order of the Black Eagle

Order of the Black Eagle
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Jackie and Justin as ninjas
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I'm also going to link to the full movie on YouTube I just found but it may not be there for long: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4S6VBdM7yA

Duncan Jax and his faithful companion, Boon are back to take down a group of Nazis living in South America from accomplishing their dubious evil plans, mostly having a functioning laser and unfreezing their cryogenic leader, Ze Furor. Yes that one.

Let's get right out there and say that Order of the Black Eagle and Unmasking the Idol are two of the funnest films we've had the pleasure of discussing on this show. They REALLY need to be re-release as a dual pack on Blu-Ray. As much fun as we had with the first one we may have had more fun with the second. These are fantastic.

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Prelude to The Order of the Black Eagle

Prelude to The Order of the Black Eagle
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I'm also going to link to the full movie on YouTube I just found but it may not be there for long: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4S6VBdM7yA

This week on the podcast Sam follows up the first Duncan Jax movie with what may or may not be the sequel to Unmasking the Idol. This time Duncan's going to take down a bunch of Nazis who happen to have a little special guest on their hands.

Movies Discussed

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Condorman

Condorman
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Disney bungles a live-action version of a cartoon with the least believable action star that has ever delved into the spy/superhero game. But add one of the raddest car chases, laser turret boats, rocket powered zip lines, and the worst costume you've ever seen and you've got one of the best early 80's turds to ever grace the screen. Wahoo!

The movie follows Woody who is the graphic artist behind the Condorman comic book frachise. Woody foolishly stumbles into a Soviet defection mission for the CIA and must employ the skills of his creation to help the beautiful and mysterious Natalia escape from the villainous Krakov and his right hand man, Morovitch and his team of skilled killers. You can use that if you'd like IMDB.

Michael Crawford's Woody is seriously one of the strangest casting decisions. Yes he's goofy and bumbling but at the same point is completely devoid of charm. Yet he's so unlikable that he becomes likable. It also seems like they gave him teeth extensions and raised the octave of his voice by a factor of 2. The rest of the cast does a fine job including a clearly drunk Oliver Reed.

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Prelude to Condorman

Prelude to Condorman
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Back in 1981, Disney tried to gift the world with a live-action version of a comic-book character, and failed miserably. But their mistake is our great reward as Condorman sweeps through the show. We are giddy with excitement.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsDeath Wish II - EPIXDeath Wish III - TUBITVTroll - EPIX and PrimeThe Wild Card - The Great Superpower Debate

Emo-Man - You gain powers based on your emotional state, ie angry you get hulky, peaceful you get zenlike, sad you can shoot water out your eyes, horny you get smelly genitals....

About Condorman - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Condorman was one of several films that changed the way that the Walt Disney Company would release films. With other stalwart failures such as The Black Hole, executives thought that attaching the Disney tag to anything remotely adult was a kiss of death. Though Condorman was aimed at all audiences it was really only beloved by 8 year olds. Eventually, 3 years later, Disney would form the Touchstone label for it’s adult oriented releases. Tragically the films wouldn’t be as imaginative as those that came before the label. The first film released under the tag was Splash. Stinker Madness did an episode on Splash, though I am not sure why we did it you should go back and listen to it, 3 times. Another favorite of the Touchstone line was Stakeout with Driefus and Emilio. When I watched Stakeout with my dad, firstly I asked him why he was in movies and he didn’t tell me, and secondly, about halfway through the film I asked him when the steaks were coming into play.

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American Ninja 2: The Confrontation

American Ninja 2: The Confrontation
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Michael J. Dudikoff and Steve James are back from American Ninja and this time the volume of ninja gets ramped up to ludicrous levels. How do you get so many ninja? Well you just build an evil clone army of them so you can be a drug kingpin. What? Yep.

In another instance of Golan and Globus having very little understanding of the ninja, we also have very little understanding of their understanding. When you can clone ninja, what do you do with the ninja you've cloned? Well you become the kingpin of drugs. So why do you need ninja? Are they couriers? Are they drug dealers? Are they guards? Why not just have guys with guns? And why are your cloned ninja so inept? The plot is quite dumb.

Dudikoff is back and we're all too happy to see him. However, due to no fault of his own, he's not quite the same Pvt. Joe Armstrong from the first film. We really missed the unnecessary and out of place James Dean poses. He's a little less featured in this one, the stars are the ninja. However, we do give props for the incredibly tight pants that inspired the cinematographer to focus the viewers attention on a bulbous package. Ridiculous.

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Prelude to American Ninja 2: The Confrontation

Prelude to American Ninja 2: The Confrontation
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It's time to finish off our Ninja-threepeat with a follow up to our American Ninja episode in which Michael Dudikoff dons the role of Pvt. Joe Armstrong, teams up with Curtis Jackson and fights hordes and hordes of random ninja.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsThe Wave - NetflixKnock Knock - Amazon PrimeMalibu Beach - Amazon PrimeWild Card - Who'd win in a Knife Fight?Hillary Clinton vs Donald TrumpAbout American Kickboxer 2 - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Well it looks like Sam Firstenberg moved in to your house, as evidenced by all of these ninja movies. Well that, the toilet’s full and the cat’s pregnant. Week three of ninja business presents us with another film which most likely knows nothing about ninjas. If it did Michael Dudikoff wouldn’t be playing one. It will be difficult for American Ninja 2: The Confrontation to live up to the previous not knowing anything about ninja standards set by Ninja 3: The Domination, in which a ninja is a crazy person/ghost who wants nothing more than to kill everyone everywhere, and Unmasking the Idol, wherein a ninja is a middle aged man who has bedroom eyes and a chain mail Eyes Wide Shut costume. Ian Hunter was actually in the original cut of Eyes Wide Shut but he was covered by digital furniture as the producers found his apparel and demeanor obscene. Can this possibly know less about ninjas then the previous ninja movies? Let’s find out together.

This was made during the downturn of the Golan and Globus run at Cannon Films. Though the Assault had won the Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film the year before, the amount of foreign language and art films that Cannon was financing with the ninja movies, along with the disastrous purchase of an upside down theater chain had numbered the days for Yoram and Menahem. This was when budgets at Cannon started dropping below 500k, reportedly. Several years later it would be discovered that all of the numbers were outright lies. For example this film was reported to cost $350k and make 4 million dollars. That is an outright lie. The only somewhat reliable report on the return was that it’s opening 10 day was a little over 1.5 million, which makes it seem like getting to 4 would have been more than a little miraculous. Though the budget was probably above $350k, it was also most likely much less than Firstenberg would have thought. This didn’t stop him from bringing the ruckus however. Most reviews of the time praise the action, which to me is mind blowing. It also was sidelined for a couple of recuts to get the R Rating, why is more strange. The cited problem was for excessive close ups during fight scenes. I am not sure how excessive fighting close ups could get a movie towards NC17. Did the original cut have a great deal of ECU ball punching? Did Steve James punch a guy in the butt causing his eyeballs to come out of his head like in Total Recall? Would that even get an NC17?

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Unmasking the Idol

Unmasking the Idol
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Worth Keeter's first Duncan Jax film is one of the film-world's must undiscovered gems. It's a glorious romp of all things awesome. If you like any fun film ever, then Unmasking the Idol is right up your alley. It's banana's in the best manner.

Somehow Unmasking the Idol has gone under the radar since its debut 30 years ago. Only 88 user ratings exist on IMDB (including the rating we gave). Host of Stinker Madness, Justin, has it as his 10th favorite bad movie of all time. That is enough right there to have this movie have at least 100 user ratings on IMDB.

Imagine a film with a ninja baboon. Not just a baboon that is dressed in a ninja costume for cuteness. Boon, the Baboon, is an actual ninja. He kills people. And then he has a bad attitude on top of it.

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Prelude to Unmasking the Idol

Prelude to Unmasking the Idol
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A little known film from 1986 that features untold amounts of ninjas, treasure, espionage, ninjas, 3-wheeler's, a baboon, a bad-ass Ford Ranger, and so many balloons comes to the show. This is one movie you won't want to miss.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsThe 5th Wave - StarzLondon Has Fallen - NetflixThe Wild Card - Who Wins in a Knife FightBoon (Unmasking the Idol) vs. Clyde (Every Which Way But Loose)About Unmasking the Idol (1986) - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

The only thing you need to know is that Duncan Jax is the world’s most dangerous ninja, I guess. It is a rare occasion when a film applies a lower functional knowledge of ninjas than the Cannon Films library, but a rare occasion this is. Red rare, like the red of a baboon’s butt. If you like the red of a baboon’s but then you won’t be disappointed by this film. Yes that’s right there is a baboon in this movie. 

One could really question if this is a ninja movie, or an animal side kick film. One could also question whether this is a James Rip off or an Indiana Jones rip off. Thankfully the answer to those and all the other questions about this film is “yes”. You can actually play a fun game with this film where you start to ask a question and then in the middle of it just say the word “yes”. For example: “Is he about to?”… “yes”, “Is that baboon going to use that on?”… “yes”.  You can go on and on. I feel like the answer to most of the questions at the end of the full episode are going to simply be “yes”.

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Ninja III: The Domination

Ninja III: The Domination
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A deceased magical ninja with questionable motives possesses a telephone line working/aerobics instructor and gets her to revengify a bunch of cops who blew the ninja away (justifiably). Meanwhile, lasers, gymnastics, so much magic, and awful effects abound. Plus back hair and V8!

Ninja III may be the worst movie Cannon ever made. We're talking about Cannon here remember. This thing stinks so bad. The story is incredibly dumb/nonexistant, the action is completely ridiculous, the acting is awful, the shots are poorly staged, the effects are horrendous, dialogue is unbelievable and the complete lack of understanding life/people/reality is abundant. With that in mind, it adds up for so much fun. Wow, what a great bad movie.

It's a film like this that makes us feel lacking as reviewers of film, because this thing is just indescribable. Roger Ebert may not have been able to really figure out what Ninja III is. But watch it, I mean look at our star ratings for it!

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Prelude to Ninja III: The Domination

Prelude to Ninja III: The Domination
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This episode of the famed SM show, we put on our best disguises, pull out our tree-climbing ropes, and get ready to assassinate one of Cannon's most ridiculous films brought to the big screen. Like a ninja this film is disguised as a ninja film but it's 100% banana business. Plus the whole thing is free on YouTube! Thanks Paramount Vault!

Full time fan and part time contributor @MartiniShark shares his bombs of Summer 2016 list. Good stuff here. https://t.co/jp0St4fh4p

— Stinker Madness (@StinkerMadness) September 5, 2016Streaming Do's and Don'tsJaws - NetflixJaws II - NetflixJaws 3 - NetflixJaws: The Revenge - NetflixThe Wild Card - Pop Quiz, Hotshot - Ninja EditionQ: The word/kanji for Ninja didn't appear until the 20th century. What were they called before then?Q: First record of Ninja?Q: The ninja star, or Shuriken is probably the most notorious weapon used by ninjas. What was it's primary function? Q: Describe the garb of the ninja?Q: What is a kusarigama?Q: What's a kunoichi?About Ninja III: The Domination - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Sam Firstenberg is always first, when it comes to ninjas, or movies about ninjas, or movies that are supposed to have ninjas in them but really only have ninjas in the title and then the movie contains oddly dressed villains or heroes appearing as what the good people at Cannon Films would like us to believe are ninjas. Ninja III takes it’s first departure from reality by adding the number 3 to its name and trying to convince us, the savvy audience, that this is the final installment of a trilogy and not just the third ninja themed film that cannon put out starring Sho Kosugi. Firstenberg had previously directed Revenge of the Ninja, which should have been called Revisiting of the Last Ninja Script we did With a Kid Added. I went into greater detail on Firstenberg and his seemingly endless ninja/samurai filmography when we previously viewed American Ninja, which was Firstenberg and Golan’s righting of Cannons ninja ship that becomes lost at sea due to this film. So go back and listen to the prelude from American Ninja if you want to hear about it because I have new ground to cover, but not bodies to cover, because one of them is already covered – in hair.

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Firewalker

Firewalker
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Chuck Norris, Louis Gosset Jr, and Melody Anderson go on a wild ride through various adventures on the way to get treasure. Along the way the face alligators, sinking cars, rebels, gang-rape village, the Mexican Gestapo, their own visual appearance, and elaborate aboriginal death traps. Sounds ridiculous? It is indeed.

Firewalker is Golan and Globus' take on the very popular and quite good, Romancing the Stone. In fact, it's a veritable carbon copy of the film but with your typical Cannon Films ineptitude. It's writing is completely out of control stupid, the entire plot is irrelevant to itself, characters have strange motivations and are generally unneeded, the acting stinks, the cast possesses zero charm or chemistry, and the action sequences are written by children.

The comedic duo of Norris and Gosset Jr may not have quite the reputation as Abbot and Costello, or Laurel and Hardy but they shouldn't either. These are two of the least comedic people imaginable. Neither of them have any concept of delivery or timing. But in their defense there's not a lot to work with either. You might say that each joke is a classic "Dad Joke". Sounds awful, but somehow this film transcends bad comedy and comes around making it funny. It's one of those "this joke is so bad and not funny that it becomes funny" movies. Halfway through the movie your brain is so dumbed down that you end up laughing unironically at these stupid lines. Great stuff.

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Prelude to Firewalker

Prelude to Firewalker
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Charles Norris returns again for his 3rd appearance on the show in a teamup with awful acting staple, Louis Gossett, Jr. in Firewalker. A film that appears to be a complete knockoff of Indiana Jones or Romancing the Stone or take your pick. Can Chuck Norris bring the comedy that he's so well known for? Or will this be as laughable as toothpaste?

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Re: My superpower of electromagnetic telekinesis at a cost:

@StinkerMadness use power on small stuff for a Domino affect. Fry a single necessary wire to cripple city blocks, o e braincell to kill? 9

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