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Battleship

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Special Guest - Joe Fulgham (Caustic Soda, The Dreaming, Onlightened) returns after our American Ninja episode and brings his Canadian goodness to the podcast with all his wit! Find Joe and all he does:

You can find more on Joe and his projects at MoteofDust.com and follow him on Twitter @joefulgham

When you are completely out of original ideas and need to have your own extended universe (because the other guy's have one), just take whatever licensed property you have and make a movie about it. Don't worry about whether the movie is a good idea or not, or if people will even care. Just make it. Worry 'bout all that stuff later. 

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Fate of the Furious

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Dom and the gang are back to wow theater audiences with "Over the Top: The Franchise" and doesn't disappoint in the bonkers business department. Everything is more, more, MORE!!!

Let's put it this way. One member of the show risked peeing her pants because she couldn't miss a second of this film. One member jumped out of his seat and just said, "Fuck....." I was personally jumping up and down in my seat with glee. There's no excuse for the low reviews of this film...except for the main reason for the low reviews of this film....it's really stupid. The entire plot is so dumb, Dom is ridiculous, the action is insanely ridiculous.

But here's the deal. ALL these films are that way. ALL of them. Yet you review them like their frickin' Grapes of Wrath! You loved 6 and 7, yet you have no love for this one, which is JUST the goddamn same! It's more of the same and that's what we wanted. You can't hate on this one without hating on all the others because your beefs apply to all of them. Quite being assholes! (I'm looking at you Matt Singer)

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The Great Wall

The Great Wall
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Matt Damon and Oberyn Martell find themselves in the middle of the Battle for Helm's Deep with an Elven army posing as Chinese on one side and an horde of Orcs posing as aliens on the other. Yep...aliens. Our front runner for dumbest film ever made.

The plot of The Great Wall is easily the most poorly thought out plot since....well ever. Its dumber than Reign of Fire. It's dumber than Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. It's dumber than After Earth AND Lady in the Water AND The Happening combined. It can't be understated how dumb this film's plot is. The only way you can argue the logistics of this "war" between the Chinese and space dog-lizards is that both sides are complete morons.

The entire thing goes that these space monsters flew across the expanse of space atop an asteroid that crashed into Earth. So their nasty and want to eat people...sorta. Well the Chinese aren't down with getting turned into poop so they built a 5,500 mile wall to keep these little bastards out. Out of what is yet to be determined.

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Independence Day: Resurgence

Independence Day: Resurgence
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ID4:2 comes to a Bad Movie Field Trip on the show this week. Will it be stupid fun enough to get into that elusive Best Bad Movie category for the 2016 SMABFAs? Can it at least be better than that damn Jupiter Ascending?

Well the critics aren't happy. They call it bloated, lazy, and tedious. Well we have good things to say and bad things to say but these words do not come into the fray at all. 

ID4:2 has some real strengths for what it is trying to accomplish, but most notably it has one of the crappiest movie studios (FOX) sticking their damn fingers into a director's vision. The worst parts of this film are the extra action sequences that have NOTHING to do with the story most particularly the moon sequence with Liam Hemsworth's character introduction. This scene is the first bit of "action" and it stinks. It's completely not "Emerrichian" and is obviously put in there to entice the audience into a sense of excitement early on and to show that Liam's guy is kick ass. However, it falls completely short of accomplishing that with the following point - when you leave the theater ask yourself, "What was any character's name in that movie?" The silence you will hear is indicative of how little anyone gives a crap about the characters. You go to these things to see "Welcome to Earth!" (punch) stupidity and aliens getting outwitted by man. Instead you are started with an action sequence that is not exciting nor worth bothering with. It also cost $10 million dollars..for one sequence that is the worst part of the film. Spend the money elsewhere! Or don't! Save the cash so you can profit and we can get another movie. Idiots...

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Deadliest Prey

Deadliest Prey
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Danton returns to do his thing and his thing is killing so many people in ridiculous ways. This time he gets kidnapped by Colonel Hogan for the sake of a "never hunt a man" competition, faces off against Thorton, receives an assist from an old military buddy, has his wife kidnapped by a sexretary and does a fist pump in the air. Sound familiar?

If you had told us that Deadliest Prey is just a remake of Deadly Prey without any of a new story we would have been deeply disappointed. It shouldn't work. But somehow Deadliest Prey does work. There's no better way they could have done it. It's so much fun and has so much fan service that works great that we absolutely loved it. 

For the most part Deadliest Prey is stocked with the same characters as Deadly Prey, including Danton, Colonel Hogan, Thorton, the Sexretary, Danton's wife and the former bud. This time though there's an addition of 3 computer "hackers" who are the biggest of doofuses (doofusi?) and are atrociously bad (awesome) actors. They also do the fairly common thing of no knowledge of how the Internet works. It's great. Poor dialogue and even poorer deliverer from them makes for a very welcome addition.

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Prelude to Deadliest Prey

Prelude to Deadliest Prey
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Mike Danton is back on the show and we can't be excited enough. Deadliest Prey is the 28 years later sequel to Hall of Fame movie, Deadly Prey and we can't wait to see how David and Ted Prior follow up one of the greatest bad movies of all time.

Be sure to revisit our Deadly Prey episode and for god sakes, watch the movie.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsShotgun - YouTubeDeath Machines - YouTubeRage of Honor - YouTubeWild Card - Good Neighbor, Bad NeighborClark Kent - Superman IV: The Quest for PeaceSelena - SupergirlBilly the Beaut - Punisher: War ZoneAbout Deadliest Prey - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

David A. Prior died tragically at the age of 59 from what his brother Ted described as a long battle with failing health. I have done some digging and have discovered that on the coroner’s report, it clearly states that he died from being too awesome. Coincidentally I am now worried about my own health. His last project was working on the screenplay to long time friend and collaborator, director and dance choreographer David Winters most recent opus, Dancin' It's On!. Dancin' It's On! really needs some better punctuation. Perhaps; Dancing: It is on., or Dancin', It's On!. I think if the title was punctuated properly it would have made more than $27,000 at the box office, which is low considering it features Gary Daniels in a supporting role. Prior's last directorial effort was Relentless Justice with Eric Roberts. In the comment section of the somewhat lacking obituary for Prior on the AV Club, about 14 or 15 trolls down one Debra Newberry described how Prior was the catalyst to many careers as filmmaking wasn't really a big thing in Alabama. Most of his films were shot in an around Mobile AL and one of his former longtime crew members, Tommy Fell is now the director of the Alabama Film Commission.

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Gods of Egypt

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2016's Gods of Egypt has not done so well at the box office nor with the critics, so its time for the SM team to take another bad movie field trip. Can the power of Gerard Butler and Jamie Lannister facing off against each other prove to be awesome?

This movie has been lambasted pretty hard by critics and the wiseness that is the Internet. So many people had mad-ons because there were 0 Egyptian actors in the film and its again just a bunch of white guys pretending to be ethnic, ie. Dracula Untold. Well I have a question....who gives a rats ass! If this film was chock full of Egypt's hottest stars (that aren't joining/getting murdered by Daesh) would it be a good movie? Nope. So eat shit, the Internet.

This movie is a triumph is stupidity. This is truly a bad Hollywood movie. That's the last I'm going to say about how bad this movie is.

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Jem and the Holograms

Jem and the Holograms
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In October of 2015, Jem and the Holograms was released into US theaters with much fanfare, and by fanfare I mean people asking "They remade Jem? Well that was dumb..." and then one week later it was nowhere to be found, instantly making it a SMABFA contender. Whose idea was this anyways?

Jem is a moral tale for females of the Millenial generation. So think of the most annoying thing in the world. Correct, its a teenage girl from that generation. So that's not good. However, the moral really is a good one; that girls shouldn't be who society dictates they should be, they should be themselves and revel in their own strengths and weaknesses. It's a great moral and we at Stinker Madness fully support it.

The problem with Jem is the moral gets completely lost in the presentation. Sure, the plot is stupid. Sure, acting is not so good. Sure, the hunky boy is a total douche with the obligatory shirtless scene. These problems can be managed. The problem with Jem is the constant use of YouTube videos of other real life teenagers "practicing" music intercut into dialogue and montages. They are a hideous distraction and painfully annoying. Just what this film needs, more Internetting....blech.

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Point Break (2015)

Point Break (2015)
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For years people have been requesting a remake of a really stupid and poorly thought out 90's movie with horrendous acting and too many "dude bros" and then make it much much stupider. Wait...no one asked for that? Then wait the hell is the point of Point Break (2015)?

The story of 2015's Point Break is truly one of the more poorly thought plots in recent memory. Johnny Utah must go undercover into some extreme guys again and to do it he must also do extreme stuff to build up their trust. There the plot similarity ends. The real dumb stuff is the motivation of Bodhi and his crew. They are going to save the Earth (environmentally, ie. "Mans progress is totally harshing my groove, bro" crap)...by doing 8 extreme sport/stunts. Yup. Save the Earth by jumping off stuff. Now one can argue that they are environmental terrorists who are going to stop corporations from damaging the Earth by extreme criminality but at no point would any of their stunts do that, one, in fact, damages the Earth more than the activity they are preventing and then halfway through the movie, they just give up on that completely and just do extreme sports so, as Bodhi puts it, "become one with the Earth". If only "becoming one with the Earth" meant splattering into the side of it at terminal velocity.

Dumb story aside, the primary problem with Point Break is that the stunts and action sequences are painfully uninteresting. They are long and drawn out shots of dudes doing extreme sports. While that sounds ok, it's really just the same level of enjoyment of watching a Warren Miller or a Krusties video. You know the ones of just guys skiing, snowboarding, motorcycling, jumping off stuff videos in slow motion. One thing you gotta do is make these things more interesting and exciting than a TV show on MTV (Nitro Circus). The stunts are drab and too long. 

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Prelude to Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever

Prelude to Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever
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Jingle bells all and merry Decemberween to you. Jackie brings in a Lifetime Channel original Xmas movie starring a cat who is an Internet meme. It can't be awful right? Talking animals, the magic of Xmas and a network notorious for making awful cheese family fests?

Streaming Do's and Don'tsStar Trek: Nemesis - NetflixMortdecai - EPIXOn Her Majesty's Secret Service - Hulu PlusThe Great Superpower Debate

Super Fast Wardrobe and Makeup Changing

About Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

According to the FAQ on grumpycats.com, Grumpy Cat was born on April 4th 2012 in Morristown Arizona and she is actually named Tardar Sauce. I guess Grumpy Cat is just a stage name. Her appearance is due to feline dwarfism and as it turns out Tardar Sauce really isn’t grumpy at all. She enjoys all manner of cat play including and especially hiding behind the curtains. Tardar Sauce seems like a real character. She became an internet sensation and most likely the world’s most famous lolcat after a photo of her was put on reddit in September of 2012. She was accused of ingenuine grumpiness via photoshop. Her owners then posted some videos on youtube which showcase Tardar Sauce’s very real, very grumpy face. This was followed by viral fire which culminated in a website, series of books, t-shirts and this fucking movie.

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Zombeavers

Zombeavers
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Take beavers, add radioactive waste, a cabin in the woods scenario and you've got the idea behind Zombeavers. Add annoying characters, a series of missed opportunities, confusion on what the film is trying to do, doing the dog in the wrong way, and far too many unintentional cliches to be bothered with. If you enjoyed films like Cabin Fever, Cabin in the Woods, or Dale and Tucker Versus Evil then this film is a platform for disappointment. This is much more like Wolf Cop. Bummer.

The primary problem with the film is that it doesn't know what it is. Is it a comedy that takes a satirical look at all of the tropes of your typical budget monster movie? Or is it just a crapped out, lazily written horror movie that doesn't bother to create anything new other than that the antagonist is furry beavers? There's points of the movie where you think "Oh good they get it and this is going to be fun" such as the opening with John Mayer and Bill Burr, or bothering with much of a scientific explanation of the beavers being zombies or instead of when bitten you just become a zombie of whatever species you are, you become a zombeaver version of whatever species you are. But then it trips over a plethora of plot details that get setup but go absolutely no where or fail to deliver the right joke that is blatantly staring the audience right in the face. Its like someone is pitching the script perfectly at a writer who has never swung a bat before. Swing and miss. Swing and miss.

The actors....wow. Quite the mix of people that you either absolutely hate (I'm talking to you Sam (Farenheit 51 AKA Hutch Dano)) or completely don't care about at all (Talking to you Jenn (Lexi Atkins)). The characters and actors that you DO care about and like are on screen for far too little specifically the aforementioned Mayer and Burr, as well as the neighbors and Smyth (Rex Linn).

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Top Actors of 2014 that Started in Bad Movies

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Our list compiles the highest paid actors from 2014 (according to Forbes.com) and those that really got their acting start staring in budget, cult, and/or bad movies. 

Dwayne Johnson - $52 Million in 2014

Saying that Dwayne got his acting start in bad movies is a little bit of cheating. We know that he got his acting start in the WWE as The Rock. But he still started his film acting career by staring in such bad movies with the first being The Mummy Returns in 2001 as the Scorpion King. He is still a main-stay in our favorite bad movies and we can't wait to see more of him in the future.

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The Mummy Returns (2001)The Scorpion King (2002)Doom (2005)Tooth Fairy (2010)Fast 5G.I. Joe: RetaliationFast & Furious 6HerculesLeonardo DiCaprio - $39 Million in 2014

Nominated for 4 Academy Awards and winning 2 Golden Globes for his performances in The Wolf of Wall Street and The Aviator, many consider DiCaprio to be a "good movie" staple. However his career didn't start out that way. His first film role was in Critters 3 and then followed that up in Poison Ivy, while then going "all retard" in What's Eating Gilbert Grape (which is a fine film) he starred as Kid in The Quick and the Dead (directed by Stinker Hall of Famer, Sam Raimi).

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Mercenaries

Mercenaries
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Cynthia Rothrock builds a team of elite tough gals made up of Zoe Bell, Kristanna Loken, Vivica A. Fox, and Nicole Bilderback to take down a broad-shouldered Brigitte Nielsen who is hell bent on being the CEO of a bad-guy factory. With the power of plot convenience and inept villains, the team invade "The Citadel" to spring the kidnapped First Daughter and maybe some sex slaves.

So the movie achieves two things - becoming the best Asylum movie ever made and reminding us why the cast is still stuck in the C-list bracket. The acting can be quite bad, especially from Vivica A. Fox who reprises her role from Sharknado 2 as Hammered Shit. Cynthia Rothrock helps out by playing the top of the CIA, but choose the worst hair style of all time, usually found on 16 year girls from small towns in Nevada. Zoe Bell dons a poopy face through the whole thing because I guess that looks tough. However, Kristanna Loken, Nicole Bilderback and Brigitte Nielsen surprisingly do a really good job especially Nielsen who dispute going to hell in the looks department plays a very sinister and maniacal villain.

There's some pretty rad parts of the films. The fight/actions scenes are pretty wild particularly the final chase/shootout and when the free the sex-slaves and let them attempt to get their vengeance from their captors. The dialogue is pretty solid for a cheesy action movie, specifically Cynthia Rothrock's explanation of the mission and Kristanna Loken's security guard seduction tactics.

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