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ThanksKilling

ThanksKilling
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While we're too late for Thanksgiving, it's never too late for a movie about an ancient Native American curse that manifests itself in the form of a very dirty mouthed killer turkey. When you have 0 money and you accomplish what was done here gives us a tip of our hats but a wag of the finger too.

ThanksKilling deserves to be congratulated. It's a better film in all standpoints than the majority of films that cost 0 dollars to make and better than even a majority of films by The Asylum or any crummy gimmick movie showing daily on SyFy. The effects aren't bad, many jokes delivers (some do NOT), the pacing is never dull, and the bad acting is pretty fun. It deserves some merits.

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Prelude to ThanksKilling

Prelude to ThanksKilling
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Whether we're late on our Thanksgiving episode or not, we're still going to enjoy a delightful little film about a killer turkey enacting revenge upon all white people for the horrors put upon the Native Americans. Sounds plausible...

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

The Wild Card - Who would win in a knife fight?

  • Turkey vs Pig
  • Olive vs Cranberry
  • Regular Mashed Potatoes vs Cauliflower Mashed Potatoes

About ThanksKilling - Movie Information

Sam's Boring Bullshit

ThanksKilling was shot on a budget of $3500 in the summer of 2007 and it received it’s official release on DVD in 2009. It seems to be the brain child of Jordan Downey, who has little credits outside of the ThanksKilling series. The main assists would be from working editor and writer Brad Shultz and working cinematographer Kevin Stewart. Though Downey’s only major titles include ThanksKilling and it’s $100k Kickstarter sequel, ThanksKilling 3. Shultz however has over 30 editing credits as well as over 20 writing credits, there are some sprinkled in directorial credits as well. He seems to be a man of my own heart. Some of his more personal short projects involve the NFL. These are the sort of special projects that both alienate fans of football and fans of comedy. After the 99% think you’re an idiot, myself and the other one percent, or fans of extraordinarily obscure comedy not the social elite, will regale. His projects in this arena include Vince Young for Towels and Rob Gronkowski Erotic Fan Fiction with Charlotte McKinney and Rob Gronkowski. Kevin Stewart, who was the other producer, cinematographer and additional writer, has over 50 shooting credits.

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Deuces Wild

Deuces Wild
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If you love films where skinny guys with giant heads get into a "I'm tougher than you" contest with lots of undramatic slow-motion surrounded by even more unattractive women, than this movie is for you. Good luck with your life.

This film is a huge POS. We normally give films the benefit of the doubt here but this film truly is a giant pile of crap with nothing redeemable to it. No film has less going for it. Truly. Its unviewable. Even A Star is Born or Mortal Kombat: Annihilation or Grumpy Cat's Xmas have at least one or two things going for them. This doesn't even have one. Not one. Every aspect of this film is crap.

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Prelude to Deuces Wild

Prelude to Deuces Wild
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Sam's pick this week gives us an in-depth look of late 50s Brooklyn street gang tough guys. They are tough right? Stephen Dorff and Brad Renfro...they're notorious tough guys, right? James Franco? He's tough....right?

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

  • The Golden Child - Starz
  • The Monkey King: Havoc in Heaven's Palace - Netflix
  • Dirty Grandpa - EPIX

Wild Card - Who would win in a Knife Fight?

  • Kevin Bacon vs Stephen Dorff

About Deuces Wild - Movie Information

Sam's Boring Bullshit

Martin Scorsese has taken a number of large deuces, most of them stayed in the toilet, this one went wild… Scorsese was apparently a producer on this with famed Frank Caruso. Scorsese was able to get his name off of it while Caruso was not.

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88 Minutes

88 Minutes
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Al Pacino stinks up the entire production of a film with such little story that 88 minutes is just ridiculous fluff. With tons of bad hair, sexual assault, disappearing actors, quite dubious motivations, non-linear time, drunk actors, and questionable filler material. It's pretty bonkers.

Lets start with Al Pacino. He stinks. I'm sorry world, Pacino stinks. He's great. We love him. He's hilarious. But he's not exactly Lawrence Olivier. And this film is a highlight of how bad he is. His hair is outlandish. His skin changes shades of orange and he's just as confused with the film as we are. Great fun, great fun. Except for Alicia Witt, she gets sexually assaulted maybe more than any actress ever by an A-Lister....

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Prelude to 88 Minutes

Prelude to 88 Minutes
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A fan request comes in this week for some Pacino so we attempt to tackle the 2007 trainwreck about a guy who only has 88 Minutes to solve a murder....his own. Oh my gosh what an amazingly original concept, he said sarcastically. But as fans of terrible acting, we think this has potential.

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

The Wild Card - Good Neighbor, Bad Neighbor - the Pacino edition

  • Michael Coreleone - The Godfather series
  • Lt. Col. Frank Slade - Scent of a Woman
  • The Devil - The Devil's Advocate
  • any other role ever....

About American Kickboxer 2 - Movie Information

Sam's Boring Bullshit

This is another attempt to bottle suspense by presenting the story in “real time”. Other valiant attempts at this were the not wonderful films, Nick of Time with Jon Depp and Phone Booth with Colin Farrell. I just looked over the fairly short list of real time films and it looks like they all stink. I am not sure about Die Hard for two reasons, one I feel like there is some forward cutting at the end and two, I don’t know if I actually like Die Hard. For some reason Run Lola Run is on this list and thought the vignettes are presented mostly in real time the fact that there are three vignettes dealing with probability and possibly parallel time lines would in my eyes disqualify it from being in “real time”. Shame on you, who ever miscategorized that film.

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Glitter

Glitter
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In 2001, Mariah Carey decided to wreck thousands of lives and destroy Sam's affection for her visual appearance, primarily her face. While "glitter can't overpower the artist" Glitter can't even overpower it's own idiocy, racism, and sexism.

What? Glitter is a period-piece? This takes place in 1983? WTF? Why on Earth does it take place in 1983? The clothes, the cars, the music, the set pieces, the vernacular, NOTHING was done that says "Hey, it's 1983" except a bottom 1/3 graphic. It's screams that it's actually 2001. And 1983 serves absolutely no purpose to the story. None. If there was a bad movie award for poor and unnecessary choices and the subsequent execution of said choice, this would have been that categories Gone With the Wind.

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Prelude to Glitter

Prelude to Glitter
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It's time for Jackie to choose another Razzie winning and highly nominated "musical". In 2001, men in ties decided to crap in our ears and eyes as the allow Mariah Carey to create her own movie about her career (sorta). Get ready for gluch....

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

  • The Curse of Sleeping Beauty - Netflix

Justin's Top 5 80's Action Guys!

5. Kurt Russell - Escape from LA, The Thing, Big Trouble, Tango & Cash
4. Chuck Norris - Delta Force, Firewalker, Invasion USA, Lone Wolf McQuade
3. Jackie Chan - Project A, Meals on Wheels, Police Story, Armour of God
2. Sly Stallone - All Rambos, Rocky IV, Cobra, Tango & Cash
1. Arnold Schwarzenegger - Conan, Commando, Predator, Running Man

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Punisher: War Zone

Punisher: War Zone
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Our final film in our superhero threepeat is 2008's MCU bonkersfest Punisher: War Zone and its a masterpiece. Its the most violent, over the top, ridiculous, preposterous, bad-assery, poorly acted gem of an incredible time. It would have been impossible for this film to be successful but it is also impossible to NOT be a cult-classic. It's great.

Ray Stevenson kills it as the Punisher. There should be no other person to ever play Frank Castle (Sorry Joe Bernthal, Punisher doesn't have roof top conversations with men in tights; he just kills people). Ray's big, formidable, and hardly has any lines. He's brilliant.

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Prelude to Punisher: War Zone

Prelude to Punisher: War Zone
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In the last of our Superhero Threepeat, we are super jacked to bring in one of the most ridiculous (and awesome) films ever made. Its just one of only two "Marvel Knights" movies and I can't imagine why there weren't more. Ray Stevenson becomes Frank Castle in a bonkers and violent manner in Punisher: War Zone. Do not fail to watch this epic film.

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

Wild Card - Pop Quiz, Hotshot

Real or not real comic book characters?

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Dreamcatcher

Dreamcatcher
2003 dreamcatcher 002
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Four buddies with superpowers given to them by an alien that may or may not be mentally handicapped, have to team up to stop poop monsters from making people get icky tummies. Really, that's the movie. Wow....

In our first 2 parter ever, we break down 2003's Dreamcatcher. This movie is insanity. There is just about everything you want in a bad movie in this one. It is a scosh too long but this one's got it all with the combination of the stupid plot, the bad acting, the cheesy movie monster (it comes out butts), the dubiousness of Morgan Freeman and Tom Sizemore's characters, and Dudditts. Wow, Duddits. We love you, Duddits.

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Prelude to Dreamcatcher

Prelude to Dreamcatcher
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Duddits is the man of the week as we go back to one of the most surprisingly bad (we mean bad) blockbusters of all time. It's 2003's Stephen King based Dreamcatcher starring every single actor ever!

I gotta admit, whomever cut that trailer did an epic job of polishing a turd. It really looks like a good movie. Way to mask all the poop monster stuff!

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Driven

Driven
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Stallone writes a screenplay that is about three things he has no working knowledge of; 1) Racing, 2) Relationships, 3) Story. It is quite possibly the worst screenplay ever written. Manos: The Hands of Fate has a lot more story than 2001's Driven. If anyone can tell us what the story is, please let us know.

Why this movie was made is vexing. What the inspiration was for Stallone to write this film is a mystery for the ages. He clearly has little to no interest in auto racing because he never shows any knowledge of how it works or even simple common sense regarding it. He appears to know that cars can go fast and that people sometimes try to see how fast they can go around a track but that's about it. Burt Reynold's character owns a race team but continually tries to sabotage his driver because he's just not good enough despite the fact that he's Number 1 in the world. Kip Pardue's character can't handle posing for photos and giving press conferences despite the fact that he's a rolling advertisement for his sponsors. The only thing that Stallone's character appears to do in the film is make people happy. Wow.

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Prelude to Driven

Prelude to Driven
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Brought to you by "Top Pits" starring Tom Cruises and Valerie Kilmer.

In 2002, Stallone gave us an 8 time Razzie nominated movie that he took the time to write. Remember! This is the guy that wrote the screenplay to Rocky for which he won an Oscar....the same guy. Yeah....right. It's sort of a movie about race car driving, it's sort of about race car drivers and then its sort of about absolutely nothing.

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I Know Who Killed Me

I Know Who Killed Me
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LL stars in her Razzie winning opus/masterpiece of terrible cinema, twice! It's the story of a mixed up teen and her mixed up teen doppelganger who suffer from "non-religious stigmata" and death by not finishing piano training. It may be the least frightening horror movie ever made!

Lindsey Lohan wows us in the film. She may not have been aware she was in movie for about half of the film. She appears to be either on ludes or vodka quite frequently. You can see her tune out of being there when not giving lines and sorta just stares at the wall. Her "stripping" is awful in that she doesn't actually strip. Oh she dances then? No she doesn't do that either. She just sorta makes a poopy face and slithers around the pole. Wow. I've never stripper danced before but I'm pretty sure I could have done a better job.

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Prelude to I Know Who Killed Me

Prelude to I Know Who Killed Me
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Presented by "I Know Who My Agent Is" the horror film that only scares Hollywood. An agent sets out to kill Lindsey Lohan, Paul Giamatti and Will Smith's careers. The horror!

Jackie brings in another multi-Razzie winner, with 8 wins, including Worst Actress and Worst Picture. It's the Lohan, starring in her first role as a crack whore but refuses to take her top off. Can it possibly be worse than Wicker Man?

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Catwoman

Catwoman
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Episode audio warning: there is a weird bumping the mic sound for the first 20 minutes of this episode. We completely apologize but we can't fix it. Its annoying and I hate it and want it to die but we can't fix it.

We are just going to say right out the gate that Catwoman sucks. It's awful. Pure garbage and terrible film-making. It very well may be the worst made movie that we have viewed on this podcast. This belongs in the bottom 20 on IMDB. Blech.

The movie attempts to be a special effects masterpiece. There is an amazing amount of unnecessary CGI that all looks completely awful. We know that this was 2004 and CGI wasn't quite as good as we have now. Simple solution = don't add it. So much of it could be eliminated and wouldn't change the movie in the slightest. Ugh.

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Prelude to Catwoman

Prelude to Catwoman
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Brought to you by Dogman! Left in a pet store by his family, one man fights crime with all the powers of a domesticated dog.

This week, we follow up Gigli with one of the two films that Halle Berry chose to make instead, and then went on to win a Razzie for her performance. The film also won Worst Picture, Worst Director and Worst Screenplay in the 2005 Golden Raspberries. We have high hopes for this one as it could be another bad movie sleeper that got lumped in with comic book movies like "Punisher: War Zone."

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

Whoops we didn't watch a single movie that we can put on our list for this week. Sorry.

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Gigli

Gigli
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The Razzie sweeping film chock full of idiots, invades! We get Bennifer all over the place and its icky. This film currently (as of Feb. 2015) sits at #71 on the IMDB Bottom 100, so is it the as bad as it's setup or is it just Bennifer backlash?

The plot concept of the film is that one low level mafia guy (whose job is to make phone calls and hang out at restaurants) hires two other lower level mafia guys (Affleck and JLO) to kidnap and babysit a mentally handicapped teen brother, Brian, of a federal prosecutor. The hope is that this federal prosecutor will back off of the head mafia guy (Al Pacino). This plot is the first flaw with Gigli as it is completely dumb. Its revealed later that even Al Pacino's character thinks this was a terrible plan as it wouldn't work so therefore its just best to get rid of Brian and pretend like nothing happened....so there is no plot then?

The second problem of the film is the characters. They are all also completely retarded. Larry Gigli (Affleck) is despicable. He appears to have only been "thugging" for a few weeks as he has very little job skills. He's not prepared for the kidnapping/babysitting job as he completely doesn't understand how mentally handicapped people work and he's not evil enough to cut Brian up and send Brian-Bits to his brother. JLO is a verbally staunch lesbian that talks about how dumb weiners are but than later caves due to "words" said by Gigli. She is also completely not prepared for this assignment. Lewis appears to be the real idiot of the whole movie. He seems to be new to the mafia business. He's only got two employees (Gigli and JLO) and he doesn't know them at all so the whole thing is new. Plus he isn't working with Al Pacino so he appears to be a bad guy freelancer. He's probably getting jobs off Odesk of E-Lance. Al Pacino is also dumb as he has no actual talent working for him because he would otherwise just whack freelancing Gigli, JLO, Lewis and Brian and then come up with an actual plan.

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Prelude to Gigli

Prelude to Gigli
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Brought to you by Larry Gigli's "The Hits Keep Coming" Hitman Services....sorta.

Gigli won MANY Razzie awards including Worst Picture. It sits at #71 on the IMDB Bottom 100. So we thought we'd give it a go. The plot seems awesome so we're pretty excited. Can it be THAT bad or was its poor reception be caused by "Beniffer" backlash?

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

  • Detective Bureau 2-3: Go To Hell Bastards
  • Sasquatch
  • The Deadly Bees

Jackie's Rant

If you were going to remake The Beastmaster, who would you cast as Dar (Marc Singer), Kiri (Tanya Roberts), Maax (Rip Torn), and Seth (John Amos)? 

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