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To the disheartening of many fans of the book series, men in ties decide to make a dragon movie without any dragons in it and decide the story is too confusing so they just remade Star Wars. Beware the powers of the dark side of jelly beans!

If you're like us and have never read the Eragon book series, then you'll arguably have less problems with the divergence (that wasn't an accident) of the source material from the pre-teen books to this flaming pile of nonsense. It's a necessary position to look at the 2006 film objectively. We don't know the back story and the subtle elements of the world that this takes place in (if there are any) so don't come at us, bro! And in any situation, none of that should matter - because Eragon the movie, at least, doesn't suffer from it's abandonment from the source material - it suffers from the direct theft of OTHER source material.

It's just Star Wars gang. Which may seem like an oversimplification of the standard "epic" format of storytelling, ie. Star Wars, Gilgamesh, LOTR,  The Iliad and The Odyssey, et. al. we can show you that it is a direct case of intellectual property theft or the great scene heist of 2006. Perhaps the writing team called in Danny Ocean...

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38 Metacritic, 39% Rotten Tomatoes, 35% domestic returns, universally panned by all, a terrible idea that could never make money and its one of the best films we've reviewed. If you haven't seen Speed Racer, you are blowing it.

DISCLAIMER: Speed Racer is in NO possible way a stinker (other than it's reputation). It's absolutely crack for your eyeballs. It's pulse-pounding racing action and over-the-top fun, all while being genuinely funny, well told, competently acted and a great tale. At the very least, it should have won Oscar gold for special effects, editing, sound design, production design, and cinematography. So don't expect much lampooning here.

So here we shall discuss why it makes it on the podcast. Its because its Speed Racer. No one cares. No one wants to care. It falls into the same bad idea category of (the deplorable) Jem and the Holigrams and (the BRILLIANT) Blade Runner 2049. You cannot make your money back, no matter how well you make the film. There just isn't a big enough fan base to capture the attention of the movie masses and have success. It's impossible!

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When you need the toughest of tough guys to play your super agent and lone wolf defender of justice, get that Achy Breaky Heart guy. No man has ever been tougher! But make sure his girlfriend is the one that is the most "radical".

Here's the end result of Radical Jack; Jack is NOT radical, in fact. His most penultimate "action" move to hide under a bed. Not kidding. The film spends the first 3/4 telling us how tough Jack is, what with his smoldering gazes, his Ray-Ban shades, his supreme mullet, his "Renegade" Jeep, his barb-wire tattoo and such. Then we learn he's just not tough at all as he fails to be the catalyst and executor of the climax. It's DeeDee Pfeiffer who is indeed the radical one. "Radical Kate" should be the title of the film.

We just can't understate how poorly put together Radical Jack is. Nothing makes sense, timelines don't add up, Jack builds a shed with no doors, Asahi Guy...on and on and indescribable stupidity abound. This is complemented by it's perfect pacing for lampooning. Get the group together and prepare to have pants filled with pee from laughter. It's like surgery - best that you evacuate before starting.

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Neil Breen is back in his directorial debut with this week's trip into the mind of a crazy person. He stars as a double-agent, elite mercenary, computer hacker/security expert, bio-terrorist, cyborg, assassin/vigilante, and just a simple man. It's a Neil showcase into baffling story-telling, yet again.

While Double Down is not near the production that Fateful Findings is, it is still an exceptionally bonkers movie. Nothing makes a lick of sense. It's the type of film that leaves you wondering what the hell is going on throughout. While we have a likely infallible theory on what happens, you'll have to listen to show to find out.

There are some things to know going into this that may make it hard for some listeners and lovers of bad film. About 25% of the film is stock photography. That is A LOT. Another 25% is narration by Breen sometimes over the stock shots and sometimes while he rolls around in dirt in the desert. But let's face it, you're not coming into a Neil Breen movie because you are looking for excitement. You're here for the nonsense and this delivers that in heaps and heaps of bananas.

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A group of trash vampires waste their immortality so that they can focus on their location-rotating fight club that has less rules than Tyler Durden's. The only thing that can stop them - horrible karate, bullet dodging DEA agents, and post-production effects that are just the presets in Adobe Premiere. Yuck!

Let's get out the disclaimer on this one - it's extremely budget and put together by people who have no experience in film, but hey! They got it done, right? They got their movie finished. So we'll give them that.

The rest of the film though, good night. This is one to steer VERY far away from, fam. It's not necessarily the acting or the "story" or the horrendously bad karate that is the problem. It's the over-editing and after-effects (trademark Adobe), mixed in with the wall-to-wall Nu-Metal. Within 5 minutes, I would argue that 80% of our fandom would abort this within 5 minutes due to it's awful design.

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Spectacularly over-rated director M. Knight Shyamalan gives us his vanity piece in the vein of Neil Breen and Tommy Wiseau and not only shows us he stinks at film as badly as they do, but that he's a giant, narcissistic, arrogant, terrible person. Good job!

So it's a fairy tale that involves water people called Narfs, who want to help mankind solve their problems. Standing in the way is their lack of sense of meeting people and a solo grass dog, but also the rules of being eaten by one of Gandalf's eagles. Ok... Now we know that if you look too deeply into most fairy tales, you'll find plenty of problems within the logic and that's fine. However, that is not what this jackass is trying to get us to not do. He tries to put forward some moral about man's desire to destroy itself without some sort of altruistic outside influence as a vehicle to change. What he succeeds in, is to say that he is the greatest story-teller ever to live and if you feel differently you should be eaten by a monster green monster.

Then there's his martyrdom. He plays a character in the film who is the object of the Narf's musing. This person will change the world via his book. It will be read by the future leader of the world, thus inspiring him to make mankind peaceful and prosperous. Yet at no point does he make an attempt to declare what is contained within his "The Cookbook". His only reference to its content is "Its got things about leaders and governments and society and stuff". THIS is the words of the greatest storyteller according to himself. What an asshole.

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It was one of the biggest horror movies of the 2000s and created an entire style of film-making on the cheap for such studios as The Asylum and Blumhouse. So that should mean its good, right? Wrong. Saw stinks on ice. Happy 300th episode to us, I guess.

Where to begin with the problems of the film? Well lets actually start with a compliment. It only cost $1.2 million. Could they have used the money more wisely to make a better film and still raked in the cash? Absolutely. 

First there is Cary Elwes, who astounds at his lack of nomination in the Razzie awards. Rest assured, when we get our time machine built and right the wrongs of crappy movie award history, Mr. Wesley will be getting a big ol' SMABFA for either best or worst bad actor. He stinks. Then you've got Danny Glover working in mostly ADR in his usual befuddled whisper talk. It's a shame the two didn't get more screen time together because wow...So the acting is atrocious.

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A baked potato (and Fox News Russian Expert) puts on a bunch of stupid shirts and tries to sell us how much of an action-man he is by having a body double fill in for the entire movie. Also there is a wizard who helps fight terrorism and monks? We don't know.

Belly of the Beast is arguably among the worst of the action genre. What's the 1 thing you need to get right in an action movie? Well that one thing goes quite askew here. The fight scenes are so laughably bad. And yet as bad as the action is (and by bad we mean GREAT!) it isn't the only reason to show up here.

Its such a strange production. Take this, the film skirts around nudity for 95% as if its PG-13 yet has incredibly gratuitous nudity in one topless scene where it appears a topless woman has a disappearing ink treasure map on her chest. And no, there is no treasure in this movie. So weird.

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When corporations that can't exist go to far, they anger Mother Nature. Her herald of corporate oversight, a 100 foot dinosaur shark and sexual innuendos! Can it possibly be the worst shark movie ever made?

Shark Attack 3 is next to Troll 2 in the ensemble of horrible acting. Everyone stinks. Even Captain Jack Harness who has seen a splash of success can't get a line right without the audience giggling. His counterpart, Dr. Science Lips, is especially horrendous and only is defeated by the daughter in said Troll 2 in the can't act department. Show up for the bad acting, stay for the banana's shark.

Then there's the shark. It should be noted that the main shark doesn't show up for quite a chunk of the film. Yet, when it does...boy howdy! If I described the megaladon's battle strategy, it wouldn't do it justice in righting. You have to see it to believe it, which can't be believed.

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Roland pulls out all the stops in the disaster genre by blowing up the entire planet (sorta). Bad science and bad acting abound in one heck of a production, but does that translate into a good time?

Lets just start by saying this film is way too long. By the 3/4 point even the diehard dumb movie viewer is tired and bored of the "excitement". It just keeps going and going and going. That would be ok if you could possibly be emotionally invested in the characters in anyway. But you just want them all to die.

The acting is awful. Woody Harrelson steals the show with his terrible hippie Art Bell. But he's not alone. John Cusask shows us why he went straight to VOD after this. His Jackson Curtis is about the least likable character in all of film. He's a giant douche who at no point redeems himself. Amanda Peet (who somehow manages to keep her top on) does nothing to thrill us. Danny Glover looks quite confused throughout.

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Well we exit 2016 with a bang...sorta. We went ahead and re-recorded our previous attempt at 2012, since we bungled the first versions and now in all it's glory we dive into the 2009 film from stinker Hall of Famer, Roland Emmerich in which the world explodes...sorta.

Casual Do's and Don'tsHellbent (1988) - IMDBDemolition High - YouTubeThe Village of the Giants - MST3K on YouTube OR standard versionThe Wild Card - Pop Quiz Hotshot (2012 Edition)A Judy Garland dress which sold for $302,000 in 2012 was worn in which movie? The Wizard of OzWhat is the year 2012 in Roman numerals? MMXIIWho became the oldest actor to win an Oscar in 2012? Christopher PlummerWhat member of the Monkees died in 2012? Davy JonesName the devastating mid/N American hurricane of Oct 2012? SandyWhat film released in 2012 went on to win Oscar gold? ArgoRazzie winner? Twilight 4About 2012 (2009) - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

2012 released in 2009 as it would have been far too late otherwise. By the way, we are all currently dead. We collectively did not heed the words of Nostra-Dumb-Ass, nor did we individually learn to fly limousines; for shame. Roland Emerich tried to tell us in 2009, but we didn’t listen.  He also tried to tell us about magical gateways to the stars, and how great James Spader’s hair used to be. He also wants us to listen to what 50’Cent has to say, as the main character, Jackson Curtis, is names sort of backwards after the rapper. Upon writing this I realized I know really nothing about Curtis Jackson or know any of his songs, but with titles like: “I Get Money”, “I Get In” and “OK, You’re Right”, he probably isn’t wrong?

Emerich stated in an interview that this would be his last disaster movie, it wasn’t, not by a long shot.  I don’t know what he thought he was going to do? Make movie about horses? Heavy drama? – Coming this spring; An Inconsequential Day in March starring John Hurt and Jane Seymour, bring a pillow… - I am not against Emerich making more personal projects but he needs to keep blowing up landmarks until the ride his ass out of town on a rail.

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When you've been stuck in an attic, are literally yellow, and forced to be your mom's sperm donor for your whole life, you're probably going to have some issues. So pick up your pokey objects and take some eyeballs out in the name of Santa!

The problem here is that this film, while somewhat entertaining, is just too generic and blasé. It's a slasher with fairly little imagination. When you come into a slasher film, you're here for one thing - ridiculous death scenes. This film does NOT have that. There's fairly vague death scenes (oh the camera cut away, the horror!), there's "deaths" that people wouldn't actually die from (such as a tiny icicle shattering through your skull, dropped from a height of 3 feet), and pretty meh makeup. The obsession with eyeball mutilation is over done and gets old after the first two eyeball sequences.

HOWEVER, the plot is super-super stupid. There's two killers, spoilers (too late). And they are possibly the worst, least effective slashers in the history of film. As mentioned, most people wouldn't die from their injuries inflicted, one lady dies on complete accident, and two of them die from impossibility, leaving 3 actual murders accomplished and 1 girl to go ahead and kill the slashers. Meaning out of 12 people, only 3 of them die. Pretty good work guys. Jason or Freddy would have tore through these dumb girls in about 15 minutes.

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Jingle jingle and egg nog hangover ahoy! It's that magical time for awful crappy holiday movies and Jackie's dialed up a slasher with a special Xmas message; don't ever remake a classic film with a bunch of day-player bimbos.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsNine Deaths of the Ninja - Mill Creek - B-Movie Blast 50 PackHundra - Amazon/EpixMissing in Action - YouTube/TubiTVThe Wild Card - Good Xmas/Bad XmasEternia - He-Man/She-Ra Xmas SpecialHobo with a Shotgun TownKazook - Star Wars Holiday SpecialAbout Black Christmas (2006) - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Bob Clark’s career spanned 5 decades and some of his more treasured works are, Porky’s, A Christmas Story and the multi award winning Murder by Decree. He also was responsible for a laundry list of stinkers, including but not limited to; Rhinestone, The Karate Dog and three films which have landed in the conversation of worst movies ever made, those being, Turk 182! and the Baby Geniuses duology. Hard to imagine that the same guy could give you a piece of treasured Americana like A Christmas Story while in the other hand delivering a turd sandwich like Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2. 1974’s Black Christmas was Clark’s fifth film and it marked his break out of ultra budget films. It reportedly returned $4 million against a budget of $620k. In 2006 he decided to remake the film, acting only as producer in this case. This time around the film would return $16 million against a budget of $9 million.

Glen Morgan, veteran producer who also directed the remake of Willard would be brought on to direct. Though notable for working in the horror genre, the majority of his time has been spent producing television shows for Fox. After leaving the X-Files he would create Space Above and Beyond, which apparently only I liked.

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Two A-Listers make us question their entire career in what appears to be a metaphorical hang-down contest of who is the tougher guy that gets weekly manicures and follicle treatments. It's Costner vs Russell in full Elvis tradition....the tradition of dying on a toilet.

3000 Miles to Graceland is one of the most inaccurate titles ever. See this map: http://obeattie.github.io/gmaps-radius/?lat=53.484652&lng=-99.643463&z=3&u=mi&r=3000. That is 3000 Miles from Graceland (Elvis' house). Now we learn that the ship Kurt Russell tries to get to and is located in Mt. Vernon, WA and their trip starts in Las Vegas. That is a journey of about 1,800 miles. So good job already.

Now as far as the film. It sucks. Costner stinks, Russell stinks, Arquette REALLY stinks (but dies early so there's that) and Slater stinks. Courtney Cox looks pretty good but she unfortunately stinks as well. No one in this film is likeable. 

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Put on your sequin jumpsuit, grow out your side-burns, and fry up them bananas because we've got a movie this week that features too many Elvis' and so many Razzie nominations. It's Kevin Costner vs Kurt Russell in a no hold barred competition of who can suck more.

Casual Do's and Don'tsMurder Weapon (1989)Future Hunters - Part of the Mill Creek Sci-Fi Invasion PackThe Wild Card - Who Would Win in a Knife FightKevin Costner vs Kurt RussellAbout 3000 Miles to Graceland (2001) - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

There is nowhere in the lower 48 states that is a distance of 3000 miles to Graceland. The furthest point from Graceland in the contiguous United States is the border to Canada in Washington State, north of Seattle. It is a little over 2500 miles from Graceland. Through rushed deduction and relatively unsound mathematics I have decided that the major city that would be closest aforementioned distance would be Calgary, known for it’s famous rodeo, not so much it’s Elvises.

This film would be directed by Damien Lichtenstein and the script would be provided by Richard Recco with Lichtenstein’s involvement. Though it would seem that Lichtenstein was prolific in music video, Recco was and is relatively unknown. So how is it that these novices in the industry would get a budget of $62 million from Warner Brothers around the year 2000 to produce a heist film, which is a genre know for more modest budgets.

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While we're too late for Thanksgiving, it's never too late for a movie about an ancient Native American curse that manifests itself in the form of a very dirty mouthed killer turkey. When you have 0 money and you accomplish what was done here gives us a tip of our hats but a wag of the finger too.

ThanksKilling deserves to be congratulated. It's a better film in all standpoints than the majority of films that cost 0 dollars to make and better than even a majority of films by The Asylum or any crummy gimmick movie showing daily on SyFy. The effects aren't bad, many jokes delivers (some do NOT), the pacing is never dull, and the bad acting is pretty fun. It deserves some merits.

With that it mind, it's a little much. The vulgarity of the turkey tends to get a little old, well after the first line really. The jokes can run a little many with the majority of them falling flat. That's not to say this isn't a funny movie. It's just there's about 60 times more jokes than your common film. It's wall to wall. So if they only have 6 or 7 really good jokes (which is pretty decent) that means there's a thousand that aren't funny. 

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Whether we're late on our Thanksgiving episode or not, we're still going to enjoy a delightful little film about a killer turkey enacting revenge upon all white people for the horrors put upon the Native Americans. Sounds plausible...

Streaming Do's and Don'tsJudge Dredd - NetflixHard Target 2 - NetflixSanto vs las Mujeres Vampiro - (Samson vs the Vampire Women) MST3K, YouTubeThe Wild Card - Who would win in a knife fight?Turkey vs PigOlive vs CranberryRegular Mashed Potatoes vs Cauliflower Mashed PotatoesAbout ThanksKilling - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

ThanksKilling was shot on a budget of $3500 in the summer of 2007 and it received it’s official release on DVD in 2009. It seems to be the brain child of Jordan Downey, who has little credits outside of the ThanksKilling series. The main assists would be from working editor and writer Brad Shultz and working cinematographer Kevin Stewart. Though Downey’s only major titles include ThanksKilling and it’s $100k Kickstarter sequel, ThanksKilling 3. Shultz however has over 30 editing credits as well as over 20 writing credits, there are some sprinkled in directorial credits as well. He seems to be a man of my own heart. Some of his more personal short projects involve the NFL. These are the sort of special projects that both alienate fans of football and fans of comedy. After the 99% think you’re an idiot, myself and the other one percent, or fans of extraordinarily obscure comedy not the social elite, will regale. His projects in this arena include Vince Young for Towels and Rob Gronkowski Erotic Fan Fiction with Charlotte McKinney and Rob Gronkowski. Kevin Stewart, who was the other producer, cinematographer and additional writer, has over 50 shooting credits.

In terms of how lean the films production was, the film was shot in 11 days and nearly every shot was used in the final incarnation of the film. Only one sequence shot wasn’t used though it wasn’t in the script. They had shot one of the characters running through a cornfield on a whim and then afterwards realized there was literally nowhere it would fit. Preproduction and filming occurred completely during summer break between Downey and Stewarts Junior and Senior year of college, so it is and it isn’t a student film, at which point we can now compare it to Cannibal the Musical as it was made under similar circumstances.

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If you love films where skinny guys with giant heads get into a "I'm tougher than you" contest with lots of undramatic slow-motion surrounded by even more unattractive women, than this movie is for you. Good luck with your life.

This film is a huge POS. We normally give films the benefit of the doubt here but this film truly is a giant pile of crap with nothing redeemable to it. No film has less going for it. Truly. Its unviewable. Even A Star is Born or Mortal Kombat: Annihilation or Grumpy Cat's Xmas have at least one or two things going for them. This doesn't even have one. Not one. Every aspect of this film is crap.

The actors (who some are respectable, not in this) all decided to get up and put on "punch me faces" for the making of this film, even notorious precocious scamp Frankie Muniz. Yes this film makes you want to punch a child, and Matt Dillon. And sorry Walking Dead fans, Norman Reedus stinks and so does Walking Dead.

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Sam's pick this week gives us an in-depth look of late 50s Brooklyn street gang tough guys. They are tough right? Stephen Dorff and Brad Renfro...they're notorious tough guys, right? James Franco? He's tough....right?

Streaming Do's and Don'tsThe Golden Child - StarzThe Monkey King: Havoc in Heaven's Palace - NetflixDirty Grandpa - EPIXWild Card - Who would win in a Knife Fight?Kevin Bacon vs Stephen DorffAbout Deuces Wild - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Martin Scorsese has taken a number of large deuces, most of them stayed in the toilet, this one went wild… Scorsese was apparently a producer on this with famed Frank Caruso. Scorsese was able to get his name off of it while Caruso was not.

Scott Kalvert was known for pooping outside of the toilet. As a director he gave us such titles as The Basketball Diaries with +13 sass dunkin’ DiCaprio, the Marky Mark workout tape, as well as, of course, seminal film classic, Deuces Wild. Kalvert would go on to kill himself at the age of 49 leaving behind a wife and two daughters.

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Al Pacino stinks up the entire production of a film with such little story that 88 minutes is just ridiculous fluff. With tons of bad hair, sexual assault, disappearing actors, quite dubious motivations, non-linear time, drunk actors, and questionable filler material. It's pretty bonkers.

Lets start with Al Pacino. He stinks. I'm sorry world, Pacino stinks. He's great. We love him. He's hilarious. But he's not exactly Lawrence Olivier. And this film is a highlight of how bad he is. His hair is outlandish. His skin changes shades of orange and he's just as confused with the film as we are. Great fun, great fun. Except for Alicia Witt, she gets sexually assaulted maybe more than any actress ever by an A-Lister....

Then there's the surrounding players. The world won't be too surprised but Leelee Sobieski stinks. She's always stinky though. Seriously, name a good movie she's ever been in. She's a pariah on film. Fantastic crappy performance here. There's a dean who is quite drunk. Billy Forsythe is exactly what you expect from him. All makes for fun.