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2012

2012
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Roland pulls out all the stops in the disaster genre by blowing up the entire planet (sorta). Bad science and bad acting abound in one heck of a production, but does that translate into a good time?

Lets just start by saying this film is way too long. By the 3/4 point even the diehard dumb movie viewer is tired and bored of the "excitement". It just keeps going and going and going. That would be ok if you could possibly be emotionally invested in the characters in anyway. But you just want them all to die.

The acting is awful. Woody Harrelson steals the show with his terrible hippie Art Bell. But he's not alone. John Cusask shows us why he went straight to VOD after this. His Jackson Curtis is about the least likable character in all of film. He's a giant douche who at no point redeems himself. Amanda Peet (who somehow manages to keep her top on) does nothing to thrill us. Danny Glover looks quite confused throughout.

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Prelude to 2012

Prelude to 2012
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Well we exit 2016 with a bang...sorta. We went ahead and re-recorded our previous attempt at 2012, since we bungled the first versions and now in all it's glory we dive into the 2009 film from stinker Hall of Famer, Roland Emmerich in which the world explodes...sorta.

Casual Do's and Don'tsHellbent (1988) - IMDBDemolition High - YouTubeThe Village of the Giants - MST3K on YouTube OR standard versionThe Wild Card - Pop Quiz Hotshot (2012 Edition)A Judy Garland dress which sold for $302,000 in 2012 was worn in which movie? The Wizard of OzWhat is the year 2012 in Roman numerals? MMXIIWho became the oldest actor to win an Oscar in 2012? Christopher PlummerWhat member of the Monkees died in 2012? Davy JonesName the devastating mid/N American hurricane of Oct 2012? SandyWhat film released in 2012 went on to win Oscar gold? ArgoRazzie winner? Twilight 4About 2012 (2009) - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

2012 released in 2009 as it would have been far too late otherwise. By the way, we are all currently dead. We collectively did not heed the words of Nostra-Dumb-Ass, nor did we individually learn to fly limousines; for shame. Roland Emerich tried to tell us in 2009, but we didn’t listen.  He also tried to tell us about magical gateways to the stars, and how great James Spader’s hair used to be. He also wants us to listen to what 50’Cent has to say, as the main character, Jackson Curtis, is names sort of backwards after the rapper. Upon writing this I realized I know really nothing about Curtis Jackson or know any of his songs, but with titles like: “I Get Money”, “I Get In” and “OK, You’re Right”, he probably isn’t wrong?

Emerich stated in an interview that this would be his last disaster movie, it wasn’t, not by a long shot.  I don’t know what he thought he was going to do? Make movie about horses? Heavy drama? – Coming this spring; An Inconsequential Day in March starring John Hurt and Jane Seymour, bring a pillow… - I am not against Emerich making more personal projects but he needs to keep blowing up landmarks until the ride his ass out of town on a rail.

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Black Christmas

Black Christmas
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When you've been stuck in an attic, are literally yellow, and forced to be your mom's sperm donor for your whole life, you're probably going to have some issues. So pick up your pokey objects and take some eyeballs out in the name of Santa!

The problem here is that this film, while somewhat entertaining, is just too generic and blasé. It's a slasher with fairly little imagination. When you come into a slasher film, you're here for one thing - ridiculous death scenes. This film does NOT have that. There's fairly vague death scenes (oh the camera cut away, the horror!), there's "deaths" that people wouldn't actually die from (such as a tiny icicle shattering through your skull, dropped from a height of 3 feet), and pretty meh makeup. The obsession with eyeball mutilation is over done and gets old after the first two eyeball sequences.

HOWEVER, the plot is super-super stupid. There's two killers, spoilers (too late). And they are possibly the worst, least effective slashers in the history of film. As mentioned, most people wouldn't die from their injuries inflicted, one lady dies on complete accident, and two of them die from impossibility, leaving 3 actual murders accomplished and 1 girl to go ahead and kill the slashers. Meaning out of 12 people, only 3 of them die. Pretty good work guys. Jason or Freddy would have tore through these dumb girls in about 15 minutes.

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Prelude to Black Christmas

Prelude to Black Christmas
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Jingle jingle and egg nog hangover ahoy! It's that magical time for awful crappy holiday movies and Jackie's dialed up a slasher with a special Xmas message; don't ever remake a classic film with a bunch of day-player bimbos.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsNine Deaths of the Ninja - Mill Creek - B-Movie Blast 50 PackHundra - Amazon/EpixMissing in Action - YouTube/TubiTVThe Wild Card - Good Xmas/Bad XmasEternia - He-Man/She-Ra Xmas SpecialHobo with a Shotgun TownKazook - Star Wars Holiday SpecialAbout Black Christmas (2006) - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Bob Clark’s career spanned 5 decades and some of his more treasured works are, Porky’s, A Christmas Story and the multi award winning Murder by Decree. He also was responsible for a laundry list of stinkers, including but not limited to; Rhinestone, The Karate Dog and three films which have landed in the conversation of worst movies ever made, those being, Turk 182! and the Baby Geniuses duology. Hard to imagine that the same guy could give you a piece of treasured Americana like A Christmas Story while in the other hand delivering a turd sandwich like Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2. 1974’s Black Christmas was Clark’s fifth film and it marked his break out of ultra budget films. It reportedly returned $4 million against a budget of $620k. In 2006 he decided to remake the film, acting only as producer in this case. This time around the film would return $16 million against a budget of $9 million.

Glen Morgan, veteran producer who also directed the remake of Willard would be brought on to direct. Though notable for working in the horror genre, the majority of his time has been spent producing television shows for Fox. After leaving the X-Files he would create Space Above and Beyond, which apparently only I liked.

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3000 Miles to Graceland

3000 Miles to Graceland
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Two A-Listers make us question their entire career in what appears to be a metaphorical hang-down contest of who is the tougher guy that gets weekly manicures and follicle treatments. It's Costner vs Russell in full Elvis tradition....the tradition of dying on a toilet.

3000 Miles to Graceland is one of the most inaccurate titles ever. See this map: http://obeattie.github.io/gmaps-radius/?lat=53.484652&lng=-99.643463&z=3&u=mi&r=3000. That is 3000 Miles from Graceland (Elvis' house). Now we learn that the ship Kurt Russell tries to get to and is located in Mt. Vernon, WA and their trip starts in Las Vegas. That is a journey of about 1,800 miles. So good job already.

Now as far as the film. It sucks. Costner stinks, Russell stinks, Arquette REALLY stinks (but dies early so there's that) and Slater stinks. Courtney Cox looks pretty good but she unfortunately stinks as well. No one in this film is likeable. 

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Prelude to 3000 Miles to Graceland

Prelude to 3000 Miles to Graceland
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Put on your sequin jumpsuit, grow out your side-burns, and fry up them bananas because we've got a movie this week that features too many Elvis' and so many Razzie nominations. It's Kevin Costner vs Kurt Russell in a no hold barred competition of who can suck more.

Casual Do's and Don'tsMurder Weapon (1989)Future Hunters - Part of the Mill Creek Sci-Fi Invasion PackThe Wild Card - Who Would Win in a Knife FightKevin Costner vs Kurt RussellAbout 3000 Miles to Graceland (2001) - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

There is nowhere in the lower 48 states that is a distance of 3000 miles to Graceland. The furthest point from Graceland in the contiguous United States is the border to Canada in Washington State, north of Seattle. It is a little over 2500 miles from Graceland. Through rushed deduction and relatively unsound mathematics I have decided that the major city that would be closest aforementioned distance would be Calgary, known for it’s famous rodeo, not so much it’s Elvises.

This film would be directed by Damien Lichtenstein and the script would be provided by Richard Recco with Lichtenstein’s involvement. Though it would seem that Lichtenstein was prolific in music video, Recco was and is relatively unknown. So how is it that these novices in the industry would get a budget of $62 million from Warner Brothers around the year 2000 to produce a heist film, which is a genre know for more modest budgets.

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ThanksKilling

ThanksKilling
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While we're too late for Thanksgiving, it's never too late for a movie about an ancient Native American curse that manifests itself in the form of a very dirty mouthed killer turkey. When you have 0 money and you accomplish what was done here gives us a tip of our hats but a wag of the finger too.

ThanksKilling deserves to be congratulated. It's a better film in all standpoints than the majority of films that cost 0 dollars to make and better than even a majority of films by The Asylum or any crummy gimmick movie showing daily on SyFy. The effects aren't bad, many jokes delivers (some do NOT), the pacing is never dull, and the bad acting is pretty fun. It deserves some merits.

With that it mind, it's a little much. The vulgarity of the turkey tends to get a little old, well after the first line really. The jokes can run a little many with the majority of them falling flat. That's not to say this isn't a funny movie. It's just there's about 60 times more jokes than your common film. It's wall to wall. So if they only have 6 or 7 really good jokes (which is pretty decent) that means there's a thousand that aren't funny. 

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Prelude to ThanksKilling

Prelude to ThanksKilling
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Whether we're late on our Thanksgiving episode or not, we're still going to enjoy a delightful little film about a killer turkey enacting revenge upon all white people for the horrors put upon the Native Americans. Sounds plausible...

Streaming Do's and Don'tsJudge Dredd - NetflixHard Target 2 - NetflixSanto vs las Mujeres Vampiro - (Samson vs the Vampire Women) MST3K, YouTubeThe Wild Card - Who would win in a knife fight?Turkey vs PigOlive vs CranberryRegular Mashed Potatoes vs Cauliflower Mashed PotatoesAbout ThanksKilling - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

ThanksKilling was shot on a budget of $3500 in the summer of 2007 and it received it’s official release on DVD in 2009. It seems to be the brain child of Jordan Downey, who has little credits outside of the ThanksKilling series. The main assists would be from working editor and writer Brad Shultz and working cinematographer Kevin Stewart. Though Downey’s only major titles include ThanksKilling and it’s $100k Kickstarter sequel, ThanksKilling 3. Shultz however has over 30 editing credits as well as over 20 writing credits, there are some sprinkled in directorial credits as well. He seems to be a man of my own heart. Some of his more personal short projects involve the NFL. These are the sort of special projects that both alienate fans of football and fans of comedy. After the 99% think you’re an idiot, myself and the other one percent, or fans of extraordinarily obscure comedy not the social elite, will regale. His projects in this arena include Vince Young for Towels and Rob Gronkowski Erotic Fan Fiction with Charlotte McKinney and Rob Gronkowski. Kevin Stewart, who was the other producer, cinematographer and additional writer, has over 50 shooting credits.

In terms of how lean the films production was, the film was shot in 11 days and nearly every shot was used in the final incarnation of the film. Only one sequence shot wasn’t used though it wasn’t in the script. They had shot one of the characters running through a cornfield on a whim and then afterwards realized there was literally nowhere it would fit. Preproduction and filming occurred completely during summer break between Downey and Stewarts Junior and Senior year of college, so it is and it isn’t a student film, at which point we can now compare it to Cannibal the Musical as it was made under similar circumstances.

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Deuces Wild

Deuces Wild
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If you love films where skinny guys with giant heads get into a "I'm tougher than you" contest with lots of undramatic slow-motion surrounded by even more unattractive women, than this movie is for you. Good luck with your life.

This film is a huge POS. We normally give films the benefit of the doubt here but this film truly is a giant pile of crap with nothing redeemable to it. No film has less going for it. Truly. Its unviewable. Even A Star is Born or Mortal Kombat: Annihilation or Grumpy Cat's Xmas have at least one or two things going for them. This doesn't even have one. Not one. Every aspect of this film is crap.

The actors (who some are respectable, not in this) all decided to get up and put on "punch me faces" for the making of this film, even notorious precocious scamp Frankie Muniz. Yes this film makes you want to punch a child, and Matt Dillon. And sorry Walking Dead fans, Norman Reedus stinks and so does Walking Dead.

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Prelude to Deuces Wild

Prelude to Deuces Wild
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Sam's pick this week gives us an in-depth look of late 50s Brooklyn street gang tough guys. They are tough right? Stephen Dorff and Brad Renfro...they're notorious tough guys, right? James Franco? He's tough....right?

Streaming Do's and Don'tsThe Golden Child - StarzThe Monkey King: Havoc in Heaven's Palace - NetflixDirty Grandpa - EPIXWild Card - Who would win in a Knife Fight?Kevin Bacon vs Stephen DorffAbout Deuces Wild - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Martin Scorsese has taken a number of large deuces, most of them stayed in the toilet, this one went wild… Scorsese was apparently a producer on this with famed Frank Caruso. Scorsese was able to get his name off of it while Caruso was not.

Scott Kalvert was known for pooping outside of the toilet. As a director he gave us such titles as The Basketball Diaries with +13 sass dunkin’ DiCaprio, the Marky Mark workout tape, as well as, of course, seminal film classic, Deuces Wild. Kalvert would go on to kill himself at the age of 49 leaving behind a wife and two daughters.

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88 Minutes

88 Minutes
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Al Pacino stinks up the entire production of a film with such little story that 88 minutes is just ridiculous fluff. With tons of bad hair, sexual assault, disappearing actors, quite dubious motivations, non-linear time, drunk actors, and questionable filler material. It's pretty bonkers.

Lets start with Al Pacino. He stinks. I'm sorry world, Pacino stinks. He's great. We love him. He's hilarious. But he's not exactly Lawrence Olivier. And this film is a highlight of how bad he is. His hair is outlandish. His skin changes shades of orange and he's just as confused with the film as we are. Great fun, great fun. Except for Alicia Witt, she gets sexually assaulted maybe more than any actress ever by an A-Lister....

Then there's the surrounding players. The world won't be too surprised but Leelee Sobieski stinks. She's always stinky though. Seriously, name a good movie she's ever been in. She's a pariah on film. Fantastic crappy performance here. There's a dean who is quite drunk. Billy Forsythe is exactly what you expect from him. All makes for fun.

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Prelude to 88 Minutes

Prelude to 88 Minutes
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A fan request comes in this week for some Pacino so we attempt to tackle the 2007 trainwreck about a guy who only has 88 Minutes to solve a murder....his own. Oh my gosh what an amazingly original concept, he said sarcastically. But as fans of terrible acting, we think this has potential.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsSerpent's Lair - Amazon PrimeThe Howling VI - Amazon PrimeNightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors - Rent from take your pickThe Wild Card - Good Neighbor, Bad Neighbor - the Pacino editionMichael Coreleone - The Godfather seriesLt. Col. Frank Slade - Scent of a WomanThe Devil - The Devil's Advocateany other role ever....About American Kickboxer 2 - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

This is another attempt to bottle suspense by presenting the story in “real time”. Other valiant attempts at this were the not wonderful films, Nick of Time with Jon Depp and Phone Booth with Colin Farrell. I just looked over the fairly short list of real time films and it looks like they all stink. I am not sure about Die Hard for two reasons, one I feel like there is some forward cutting at the end and two, I don’t know if I actually like Die Hard. For some reason Run Lola Run is on this list and thought the vignettes are presented mostly in real time the fact that there are three vignettes dealing with probability and possibly parallel time lines would in my eyes disqualify it from being in “real time”. Shame on you, who ever miscategorized that film.

This $30 million train wreck was engineered by famed producer Jon Avnet, who directed Fried Green Tomatoes, and then a bunch of movies that weren’t nearly as good. As a producer he is responsible for a cavalcade of projects including Black Swan and The Mighty Ducks. I found while sifting through his filmography that he produced a 1992 television film entitled The Nightman. I like to get sidetracked on Nightman and how often it gets used as a name. Glen A. Larson also did a TV show called Night Man. Listeners should take a gander at the Night Man costume as he looks like a total butthole.

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Glitter

Glitter
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In 2001, Mariah Carey decided to wreck thousands of lives and destroy Sam's affection for her visual appearance, primarily her face. While "glitter can't overpower the artist" Glitter can't even overpower it's own idiocy, racism, and sexism.

What? Glitter is a period-piece? This takes place in 1983? WTF? Why on Earth does it take place in 1983? The clothes, the cars, the music, the set pieces, the vernacular, NOTHING was done that says "Hey, it's 1983" except a bottom 1/3 graphic. It's screams that it's actually 2001. And 1983 serves absolutely no purpose to the story. None. If there was a bad movie award for poor and unnecessary choices and the subsequent execution of said choice, this would have been that categories Gone With the Wind.

So Mariah....is a pariah....to acting. Now that that terrible joke is over, she stinks. She truly looks lost and confused throughout the entire production. She appears to be on Quaaludes and just tripping balls at the production lights on the set. She's out of it completely. Unfortunately, her terrible performance is not a fun thing to view. It's not laughable or enjoyable. It's almost none-existent as this film hardly features any lines for her to screw up. So no fun there which this reviewer looked forward to the most. Bummer.

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Prelude to Glitter

Prelude to Glitter
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It's time for Jackie to choose another Razzie winning and highly nominated "musical". In 2001, men in ties decided to crap in our ears and eyes as the allow Mariah Carey to create her own movie about her career (sorta). Get ready for gluch....

Streaming Do's and Don'tsThe Curse of Sleeping Beauty - NetflixJustin's Top 5 80's Action Guys!

5. Kurt Russell - Escape from LA, The Thing, Big Trouble, Tango & Cash4. Chuck Norris - Delta Force, Firewalker, Invasion USA, Lone Wolf McQuade3. Jackie Chan - Project A, Meals on Wheels, Police Story, Armour of God2. Sly Stallone - All Rambos, Rocky IV, Cobra, Tango & Cash1. Arnold Schwarzenegger - Conan, Commando, Predator, Running Man

Here's who is NOT on the list:Bruce Willis - Blow Hard IV - I'm a douchebagMel Gibson - Being in a film franchise where you make quirky faces and deliver lines at the speed Robin Williams tells jokes doesn't qualify as action guy.Carl Weathers - Action Jackson's lack of action is an instant out - nice backflip over a car though.Sigourney Weaver - Aliens is a shitty sequel and that's all she did.Honorable mentionsSonny LandhamCynthia RothrockBill DukeSho KosugiWild Card - Who would win in a knife fight?The Last Unicorn vs. Falcor the luck dragonAbout Glitter - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Since the early 90's, Mariah Carey has captivated the hearts and boners of teenage boys. In 2001, she decided to pull one of the grandest heists in all of history when she decided to simultaneously rob all of our spank banks with the release of Glitter. The film was apparently Carey’s brain child and she had been pushing the movie all about her and sparkles from early 1997. If we all recall the Mariah Carey hospitalization from exhaustion, which I didn’t, it delayed the release of the film by three weeks, which ultimately couldn’t have hurt the grosses as much as the film itself. It does have it’s fans though.  John Wilson, the progenitor of the Golden Raspberry included this in his book of 100 most enjoyable bad films. Only Carey won a Razzie however. Freddy Got Fingered won the majority of the Razzies that year. Carey’s boobs even lost worst on screen couple to Tom Green and any animal he was abusing. 2001 was apparently a dark year in filmmaking history as films such as 3000 Miles to Graceland, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Swordfish, Pearl Harbor, and Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles were unable to make it past the Razzie nomination stage due to Driven the aforementioned FGF, Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes and this pile of crap.

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Punisher: War Zone

Punisher: War Zone
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Our final film in our superhero threepeat is 2008's MCU bonkersfest Punisher: War Zone and its a masterpiece. Its the most violent, over the top, ridiculous, preposterous, bad-assery, poorly acted gem of an incredible time. It would have been impossible for this film to be successful but it is also impossible to NOT be a cult-classic. It's great.

Ray Stevenson kills it as the Punisher. There should be no other person to ever play Frank Castle (Sorry Joe Bernthal, Punisher doesn't have roof top conversations with men in tights; he just kills people). Ray's big, formidable, and hardly has any lines. He's brilliant.

Then, on the other side of the acting, you have Dominic West (Jigsaw), who seems like possibly the worst actor imaginable. He's a caricature of a tough guy. It seems impossible that anyone could be worse, but then....it happens. Doug Hutchison (Looney Bin Jim) is bananas. He wins the bad act-off contest in stunning fashion. If bad-acting was a gladiatorial tournament, then Dominic West would yell at the audience "Are you not entertained?" (poorly) and the audience would go nuts but the Emperor would give the thumbs down and in comes the ringer, Doug Hutchison. Doug is blindfolded and has one hand behind his back and a moldy orange as his weapon, and beat the crap out of Dominic West. And then they team up to take down the whole Roman Empire for the rest of the movie. It's amazing.

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Prelude to Punisher: War Zone

Prelude to Punisher: War Zone
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In the last of our Superhero Threepeat, we are super jacked to bring in one of the most ridiculous (and awesome) films ever made. Its just one of only two "Marvel Knights" movies and I can't imagine why there weren't more. Ray Stevenson becomes Frank Castle in a bonkers and violent manner in Punisher: War Zone. Do not fail to watch this epic film.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsFrozen - StarzSahara - NetflixPredator - StarzWild Card - Pop Quiz, Hotshot

Real or not real comic book characters?

The Red BeeMadame FatalMatter Eater LadUS 1About Punisher: War Zone Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

After the whirlwind non-success of Lions Gate (more aptly loins gate) 2004 Punisher, it was announced that the DVD sales were strong enough to warrant a sequel. Oddly, the studio would almost go bankrupt in 2012. Writer/Director Jonathan Hensleigh was back on board to direct with Tom Jane reprising his role as Frank Castle. The script this time was being worked on by a writer independent of Hensleigh. It would seem that early drafts would cause the departure of Hensleigh. This I should think to be a tall order, to write a script that would chase off the guy who wrote Armageddon. Jane stayed on like a trooper and at one point had gained 12 pounds of muscle for the role. Eventually a later version of the scrip would chase of Jane, who would rather and subsequently star in The Mist, Mutant Chronicles and Drive Hard. That’s got to be one dandy of a script. After being turned down by a hand full of directors they eventually hire Lexi Alexander. Alexander quit the second she saw the script. After Lions Gate gave her full creative control of the project she came back aboard. Alexander’s previous film was Green Street, which holds the distinction of being the second film to win both the Jury Prize and the Audience Award at SXSW. She has, however, had trouble staying busy since. It seems like there is an abundance of writers attached to the film, to the point where who did what is a mystery. 

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Dreamcatcher

Dreamcatcher
2003 dreamcatcher 002
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Four buddies with superpowers given to them by an alien that may or may not be mentally handicapped, have to team up to stop poop monsters from making people get icky tummies. Really, that's the movie. Wow....

In our first 2 parter ever, we break down 2003's Dreamcatcher. This movie is insanity. There is just about everything you want in a bad movie in this one. It is a scosh too long but this one's got it all with the combination of the stupid plot, the bad acting, the cheesy movie monster (it comes out butts), the dubiousness of Morgan Freeman and Tom Sizemore's characters, and Dudditts. Wow, Duddits. We love you, Duddits.

The primary mistake this movie makes is poop. Really really. The film is meant to be frightening. The elements in concept are horrific. Being killed by something that is too big to be inside you coming out of your butt is possibly one of the worst ways to go. The Spanish Inquisition had nicer ways of killing people. Josef Mengele would have loved to have a bunch of shit weasels at his disposal. However, this is not scary in Dreamcatcher, it's hilarious. By the time the "horror" starts in this film, you've been giggling about farts and poop for ten minutes. So it's pretty tough to be scared.

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Prelude to Dreamcatcher

Prelude to Dreamcatcher
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Duddits is the man of the week as we go back to one of the most surprisingly bad (we mean bad) blockbusters of all time. It's 2003's Stephen King based Dreamcatcher starring every single actor ever!

I gotta admit, whomever cut that trailer did an epic job of polishing a turd. It really looks like a good movie. Way to mask all the poop monster stuff!

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

Well we didn't watch any streaming movies. Stupid Xmas planning. 

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Driven

Driven
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Stallone writes a screenplay that is about three things he has no working knowledge of; 1) Racing, 2) Relationships, 3) Story. It is quite possibly the worst screenplay ever written. Manos: The Hands of Fate has a lot more story than 2001's Driven. If anyone can tell us what the story is, please let us know.

Why this movie was made is vexing. What the inspiration was for Stallone to write this film is a mystery for the ages. He clearly has little to no interest in auto racing because he never shows any knowledge of how it works or even simple common sense regarding it. He appears to know that cars can go fast and that people sometimes try to see how fast they can go around a track but that's about it. Burt Reynold's character owns a race team but continually tries to sabotage his driver because he's just not good enough despite the fact that he's Number 1 in the world. Kip Pardue's character can't handle posing for photos and giving press conferences despite the fact that he's a rolling advertisement for his sponsors. The only thing that Stallone's character appears to do in the film is make people happy. Wow.

The effects and the action sequences are painful. They gave me a tummy ache. There are so many over the top car crashes with over-post-production editing and just random shots sprinkled in between all mixed together with incredibly dumb slow motion that even if you only watch auto racing for the crashes you will want to throw your remote at the television. 

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Prelude to Driven

Prelude to Driven
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Brought to you by "Top Pits" starring Tom Cruises and Valerie Kilmer.

In 2002, Stallone gave us an 8 time Razzie nominated movie that he took the time to write. Remember! This is the guy that wrote the screenplay to Rocky for which he won an Oscar....the same guy. Yeah....right. It's sort of a movie about race car driving, it's sort of about race car drivers and then its sort of about absolutely nothing.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsExodus:Gods and Kings (first 12 minutes) - HBORapid Fire - HBOThe Kid with the Golden Arm - NetflixCyber C.H.I.C. - YouTube (but some butthole removed it....lame)Good Neighbor, Bad NeighborPete's Dragon - Pete's DragonArtax - The Neverending StoryCharlotte - Charlotte's WebAbout Driven - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

I feel like I was just talking about Renny Harlin in a previous episode, however I’m not seeing it in any of my notes. If I did and you remember which episode just email us with the subject heading: “Sam is an asshole”. Odd that this is our first dance with Harlin when other directorial efforts include; Nightmare on Elm Street 4, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, Die Hard 2, Cliffhanger, Cuthroat Island, The Long Kiss Goodnight and Deep Blue Sea. That list was chronological and without gap up to this weeks title, Driven. Recently Harlin made The Legend of Hercules which has flirted with number 1 on the bottom 100. This guy is the other coffee shop across town from Paul Thomas Anderson. Renny Harlin is a fake name. His real name is Lauri Mauritz Harjola. He took over Geena Davis when she was all Bloomed out, or all Bloomed in, depending on perspective.

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