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Barbarian Queen

Let me break this down to you in one word - boobs.  So many boobs.  Oh god there's so many.  

Sounds great right?

Well......not really. It actually makes for just ok. But I'll get into that.

So the movie revolves around this group of women (in some unknown location and in some unknown time) that have their village and booties plundered but some guys in black, all on the day of the Amethea's (Lana Clarkson) wedding day to Argan (Frank Zagarino). Bummer. So this small band of women (only 2 of them actually do anything; Taramis only ever cares about food) set out to rescue Argan and get revenge.

Well they suck at it.  They are REALLY good however and getting captured, tortured and further raped.  Nice work ladies. Eventually they make it to the bad guy's castle/town thingy where everyone does nothing but wander around and then get captured.  Amethea eventually ends up on a torture "rack" (her elbows are nice and bent the entire time, very comfy).  Her torturer then attempts to awkwardly rape her but she must have been really (I mean REALLY) doing kegel exercises as she ends up ripping the guy's unit off and then pushing him into what I infer is a vat of acid.

"Wow this all sounds awesome," you might be telling yourself. Unfortunately, these moments are few and far between as the movie mostly consists of meeting characters who completely are irrelevant to the plot and then some awful sword fighting. The action mostly consists of someone holding a sword and waiting for someone else to hit it with their sword. I'm pretty sure that I was better at fake sword fighting when I was about 8. The dialogue is completely boring and doesn't leave you with anything to laugh about.

I will say that this movie "bares" on serious achievement.  I can't stress enough how many boobs are in this movie.  The film is only 110 minutes and I would be willing to be that there is around 110 boobs in it.  It's astounding the volume of shirtless women they were able to get into this thing.  Apparently women in Argentina are very willing and eager to get their goods out on camera.

With that in mind, I give it 3 out of 5 stars total

Ratings:

Over the top action:1-star
Cheesy effects:2-star
Horrendous acting:2-star
Laugh-out-loud-ability:1-star
Ridiculous stunts:1-star
Gratuitous nudity:5-star
Memorable one-liners:2-star

Overall rating:3-star

Availablity:

Netflix Streaming - Yes as of this posting

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Tuesday, 30 May 2017
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